As I've alluded to before in a prior post ("In Case You Didn't Get the Memo: Make Him Happy"), men are logical creatures. Since they are generally shallow beings who care more about outcomes, the amount of shit they are willing to put up with must be proportional to the amount of happiness you deliver. Fortunately for you, delivering happiness to your man is very easy and means one of two things: 1) Be hot or 2) Be low maintenance.
The "interesting" interests you invest in to impress your girl friends (a spotless house, your recent hiking adventure to Machu Picchu, your plans for world domination, and religious usage of your Clarisonic brush) don't really make that much of a difference to a man. It's really very simple- look good and don't give him too much trouble.
The Hot/Crazy Vicky Mendoza Scale was first coined by Barney in this hilarious "How I Met Your Mother" episode. According to Barney, you are allowed to be crazy so long as you are equally hot. Vicky Mendoza was a girl he dated who jumped back and forth across the line by shaving her head, then losing ten pounds, then stabbing Barney with a fork. She finally made it back above the diagonal line by getting a boob job.
The key to snagging a man and keeping him is to stay above the Vicky Mendoza diagonal line. The good news is that if you have managed to get into a relationship with your man, you have probably already cleared his hotness bar (refer to "Stop Reading Cosmo, The Bar is Low"). The bad news is that you are probably crazy. All women are. Just keep that shit under control.
Studies show that constant complaining will actually detract from a man's assessment of a woman's overall attractiveness. And I'm assuming that throwing things, engaging in consistent bitch fights with other women, excessive self-analysis, clinginess, and fits of jealous rage fall into the category of activities that would erode your hotness.
I'm sorry to break the news to you, but a man would probably be willing to lose an arm for Jessica Alba. Not for you. Stay above that Vicky Mendoza diagonal to snag a man and keep him!
I understand that most women don't want nice guys. Being with a douche bag is intoxicating- the games, the uncertainty, the power imbalance, the low self-esteem-- all put you on a thrilling course towards self-destruction (which sounds really dramatic and awesome, right?). Nice guys are predictable and boring because they actually make you feel good about yourself. But in case you do want someone decent (or you are nearing your 30s), here is my advice:
1. Don't just "put yourself out there." The world is not a bed of roses and it is most certainly not your oyster. Please refer to "The Male Brain" for a closer look at what I'm talking about.
2. As a corollary to point 1, don't be naive. People aren't always nice so be careful. In my early twenties, I was idealistic and a bit too trusting of others, believing that people always had the best of intentions provided they were friendly and did nice things. So not true. Never give anyone the benefit of the doubt until they've proven themselves trustworthy and add positive value to your life over a decent period of time. For instance, I believe it takes two years to truly be in a place to assess whether a friendship is genuine or not. The quality control you apply to your friendships should be extended to your romantic relationships as well.
3. If you don't want your hair cut, don't go to the barbershop. Avoid seedy clubs and places where sketchy people go if you do not want a one-night stand. Otherwise, have fun.
4. On the flip side, attend growth-oriented meet-ups and clubs, gatherings with friends you respect, and classes or seminars where you are learning and pursuing hobbies and interests to find like-minded people. By being more of yourself and simply living a growth oriented life, you'll come across nice people in your journey (and hopefully snag that nice guy!)
5. Be aware of the persona you are projecting. The media and our society have pushed an over-sexualized, exaggerated rendition of the quintessential female whom I would caution you against embracing for the sake of your psychological and physical well-being. Take a look at real life Barbie, Heidi Montag, or Britney Spears.
(For shits and giggles, here is the "I'm a Slave for You" video that Britney Spears did. HAWT but sad!)
6. I hate to state the obvious, but only hang out with people if they treat you right. As I've mentioned before, life is short and riddled with plenty of opportunities to feel bad about yourself (refer to "A Man Who Makes You Feel Insecure is Trying to Be in Your League" for a deeper dive). This applies to friendships and relationships. Eliminate toxicity and be kind to yourself.
If you want a nice guy, then look for one. At least try.
When I was younger, I totally wanted to date someone who looked like this:
But now that I'm supposedly more mature I recognize how ridiculously immature and shortsighted that was. As an adolescent and maybe even into my early twenties I really wanted the quintessential hot guy who met conventional standards of awesomeness. Most of the guys who looked like this in high school are now pot-bellied and balding (perhaps from too much partying). And if they still look like this, they are probably in finance.
The truth is, a guy like this is usually deficient in one or more areas necessary for sustaining a realistic, long-term partnership where you feel peace of mind. A douche may be awesome in theory but do you really want to marry one? If he isn't working at Stop and Shop right now and he's made it to business school, he's probably roaming, or not very good in the sack (especially if women have been tossing themselves at him for a very long time and he no longer has to try). Or he's dumb as rocks and not very interesting (yawn). Needless to say, there's not very much benefit for you in the long run and you'll end up hauling most of the water in the relationship. So what if you can flash him on your arm to your girl friends and obtain temporary ego massage? You'll still be the one to go home to the guy (or to an empty home) at the end of the day.
By contrast, dating a geek is awesome. Geeks are hot. In fact, I think geeks are so hot that I will pay homage to the ones I salivate over here:
Jon Stewart. OMG.
Adam Brody. OMG. SO HAWT.
Dave Morin. SWOON. He created Path. I wish I could create shit like this.
Intelligence, integrity, and enough strength of character to be interesting and geeky are pretty much at the top of my list. It's sexy to me when a guy is smarter than I am and has greater strength of character than I do. You want a man who will make money, be responsible, and care for you so that you can go on to be supported in your own life and career and raise well-adjusted children. My favorite persuasion are engineers because they fix my stuff and are practical, intelligent beings that steady my emotions and assuage my illogical fears. Because they spend hours, days, years, debugging code, seeking new solutions, and patiently learning new skills, they are very patient and treat you very well in a relationship. For instance, if I complain about lack of progress on a project, my boyfriend will code some of it up. If I complain that my head hurts, he will run out to the drugstore and get aspirin. If the wipers on my car are broken, he will calmly replace them. Since my boyfriend has photographic memory, he is even able to compensate for my spaciness by recalling phone numbers, receipt numbers, and addresses on the spot. Hotness fades with time, but character does not.
If you can snag a geek, hold on. Hold on while you can!
I absolutely adore Zooey Deschanel. Her infectious girlishness, those saucer eyes, and that spaced out voice are all so very endearing. And I'm not alone. While many women hate her for feminist reasons (http://femthreads.com/2012/02/05/why-all-the-hate-on-zooey-deschanel/) men absolutely adore her.
This is because she is dork fabulous. I don't care if catty women complain that she is a thirty-something who acts like a child. Who cares if she started a blog called "Hello Giggles," tweets about kittens, or wears sparkly headbands. The woman knows how to get what she wants and has achieved more in one lifetime than most women will ever achieve. She's a successful actress, singer, song-writer, entrepreneur, and inspirational role model for victims of bullying. Her greatest scandal was when the press got a hold of her financial information following her divorce and she was upheld as an uncharacteristically frugal and generous Hollywood denizen. She's on top of the world, and the remarkable part is that she remains unabashedly herself (and has probably gotten this far by doing so). Just take a look at this video of her playing the ukulele with Joseph Gordon-Levitt on New Year's Eve. She is so adorkably cute!
As I've mentioned before, women are a lot harder on each other than men are on them. For mysterious reasons, women are given to painstaking worship of polish and perfection. My theory is that nature has cursed us with an internal brain drill that fires off irrationally and tells us unnecessarily negative things (especially when it gets closer to that time of the month). To some degree, it's this perfectionism, desire to meet high standards, and desire to please that makes us incredibly resourceful workers and mothers. Magazines like Vogue and Better Homes and Gardens sell well because they cater to our predilection for polish and perfection.
But I'll let you in on a secret- men don't really care. Much like their preference for utility over aesthetics, they prefer accessibility over perfection. In fact, they'd probably prefer someone who wasn't Martha Stewart if that meant getting nagged less. While women worship other women who seem polished, put-together, and not socially awkward, men adore a woman who is confident enough to embrace her vulnerable, imperfect, inner dork. This means a woman who is okay with being who she really is apart from social conventions, has her own interests, and expresses the idiosyncrasies and quirks that make her unique (so that he feels he has snagged someone special). At the end of the day, you probably want someone who loves you for who you really are anyway. Be weird, be off. Whatever. Be your dork fabulous self.
As I've mentioned in the past, a guy will decide within 2 seconds of meeting you ("Ladder Theory and Why It Takes 2 Seconds for a Guy")
whether he is into you or not. This interest may wane with time if your
personality ruins your mystique but you've actually got a lot of
leeway if you meet a man's physical criterion for attractiveness (refer
to "Stop Reading Cosmo, the Bar is Low" for a deeper dive).
As part of my commitment to helping women obtain the best men they can
snag this New Year 2013, I will divulge a list of tell tale signs a man
is into you. If you know whether a man is into you or not, it becomes
much easier to move things along:
1) He will actually light up in your presence.
I love this about men. They are so cute and straightforward! If a man is
into you, a noticeable glow will suffuse his countenance the minute he
sees you. He will barely be able to contain his enthusiasm. The "glow"
manifests in a more animated demeanor, an irrepressible smile, and
increased chattiness with the guy chum he has brought along. If a man
lights up in your presence it is a very beautiful thing. Simply beam
back and return the effusive greeting to make his joy complete.
2) His pupils dilate.
If a man is interested in you, he will force himself to be interested in
what you are saying. You don't even have to be saying anything
substantial for him to be super interested. Just hearing the sound of
your voice and admiring the way you flip your hair may be enough for him
to stay captivated. Watch this video where Hugh Grant attempts to pick
up Rachel Weisz on New Year's Eve in "About a Boy" for a demonstration:
3) He will make excuses to be near you.
Unless he is very shy, a man will come through hell and high-water to be
near you. He will strategically sit next to you, engage you in
conversation to cock-block the dude sitting on the other side, and think
of all sorts of ways to arrange a future meeting. Even a very shy man
will plot and plan for ways to be near you or see you again. Trust me.
4) He will make excuses to touch you.
A playful poke, pat on the shoulders, or hug. Any of these are signs
that he is physically attracted. If a man is into you he will crack
jokes and make you laugh, tease you, or be the first person there to
hold you up when you stumble so that he can find the appropriate touch
point.
If a man doesn't display any of these signs, then he is not that into you. Happy hunting and here's to a New Year!
I don't understand how a woman can be the least bit forgiving on this one. If it feels weird when he doesn't pay on your first date, it is because it is weird. Not because he could potentially be poor (which would be very unsexy anyway). Not because you are being unfair (because you should be, forget feminism). But because it is what it is. He's either a chum or a jerk who just wants to get you in the sack.
I don't care if he's a starving grad student or he's super socially awkward and supposedly doesn't know any better. As I've alluded to many times in this blog, you are evolutionarily entitled to the best possible man you can snag. This means you should snag a man who is assertive, understands basic social norms, and will even make sacrifices to ensure he impresses you. He should pick you up. He should choose the venue. He should show up on time. And he should pay for dinner. If a man doesn't know how to peacock or take charge he doesn't know how to fulfill his evolutionary purpose. Or maybe he's just a jerk and wants to invest as little as possible in someone he perceives to be low hanging fruit. Either way, ditch the cheap dude and move on to greener pastures quickly.
(for your viewing pleasure, here is a metaphorical reminder of what male peacocking looks like. Hot stuff, right?):
I can't tell you how many times women have called me to double check on this very awkward subject.
"I don't mind paying, I'm an independent woman, right?"
"Is it weird that he asked me to pay?'
"It was our first date..."
There's no grey area here. The guy should have paid. Moving forward, he should at least offer to pay on subsequent dates if he's truly invested in you. And he should buy you gifts once in a while to secure your greatest affections over the course of a long term partnership. A man's job (from an evolutionarily adaptive perspective) is to feed and provide for his family. In fact, male species throughout the animal kingdom invest in colorful plumage and all sorts of unnecessary rituals and appendages to snag their female counterparts. If he can't even be bothered to signal and demonstrate that he is capable of feeding or providing for you (especially when you are in the early stages of a relationship) it's time to move on. Cheap is not sexy. So why make exceptions?
Even if he's someone who happens to be very poor, he will still do everything in his power to impress you if he is truly that into you. I wince at telling this story but I'm going to do it anyway to make a point. I once had an ex-boyfriend tell me he was so in love with the girl he dated before me that he would actually sit in eye-ball tracking studies for hours at a time just to earn enough money to buy her jewelry while he was a starving student. He had a busy schedule I'm sure, and I'm pretty sure this degree of sacrificial stupidity was not extended to me (he's married to a nice lady right now). Still, it's a sweet story, and every man should treat his beloved this way.
No matter the cost, a man (prospective boyfriend) should always be trying to impress you. Even if you could theoretically pay your own way as a thriving, independent, successful, powerful woman, don't you want a boyfriend who can still take care of it? If a man doesn't pay for shit, he's not that into you. Cheap is not sexy, so find a man who can peacock and deserves your awesomeness.
I realize this post is going to be incendiary and offend a lot of people but I'm just telling it like it is. Men. Are. Stupid.
They get confused and easily torn between their desire to protect you like a pet and parade you around like a trophy. One moment, they are cherishing the fact that you are an independent, razor-sharp woman they can brag about to all of their friends; at the same time, they fawn over you the moment you exude the fragility of a small child. In the words of my mother, "Boy is dumb. Want you to be fierce but also house pet."
To successfully whip a man, you must embody the yin and the yang- the warrior princess and the baby ditz (and transition between alternate personas with the fluidity of a fine actress). The quickest way to a man's heart is to make him feel needed, but at the same time, make him feel like you don't really need him. Just pretend you're a cat. It'll drive him crazy.
One way to master the "I'm strong, yet vulnerable" act is to use the baby voice. You can order him around like a boss and be as demanding as you want, so long as the baby voice follows. In the most intimidating voice possible, boss him around because he likes it (he secretly really likes it). Then tilt your head, flip your hair, and say "Thank you sooo much, baby!" with the voice of a small child. This has the effect of making a man feel like he has accomplished something truly great.
Forget the rules of feminism and your hope for a man who wants you to be a perpetually strong, independent, strident woman. The baby voice works because it plays into a man's evolutionary biology to protect and feel important. If a man wants to feel like a man, let him. You may even find that ordering him around with the baby voice (and skipping the formidable, scary one altogether) will bristle him less and actually yield more effective results. Throw in some ditzy laughter to mitigate his cognitive dissonance. He will justify his act of kindness (or propensity to be whipped) by making himself believe you are wonderful, important, and worth it. Because he's a man, he may not even realize he is being ordered around.
So while you are taking over the world and being the badass bitch on a mission in the office, remember who you need to be from time to time at home. Tone down the complaining and act like a small child who needs to be protected in order to be the boss of your relationship. Use the baby voice. It works.
