If You Want a Nice Guy, Then Look for One

I understand that most women don't want nice guys. Being with a douche bag is intoxicating- the games, the uncertainty, the power imbalance, the low self-esteem-- all put you on a thrilling course towards self-destruction (which sounds really dramatic and awesome, right?). Nice guys are predictable and boring because they actually make you feel good about yourself. But in case you do want someone decent (or you are nearing your 30s), here is my advice:

1. Don't just "put yourself out there." The world is not a bed of roses and it is most certainly not your oyster. Please refer to "The Male Brain"  for a closer look at what I'm talking about.

2. As a corollary to point 1, don't be naive. People aren't always nice so be careful. In my early twenties, I was idealistic and a bit too trusting of others, believing that people always had the best of intentions provided they were friendly and did nice things. So not true. Never give anyone the benefit of the doubt until they've proven themselves trustworthy and add positive value to your life over a decent period of time. For instance, I believe it takes two years to truly be in a place to assess whether a friendship is genuine or not. The quality control you apply to your friendships should be extended to your romantic relationships as well.

3. If you don't want your hair cut, don't go to the barbershop. Avoid seedy clubs and places where sketchy people go if you do not want a one-night stand. Otherwise, have fun.

4. On the flip side, attend growth-oriented meet-ups and clubs, gatherings with friends you respect, and classes or seminars where you are learning and pursuing hobbies and interests to find like-minded people. By being more of yourself and simply living a growth oriented life, you'll come across nice people in your journey (and hopefully snag that nice guy!)

5. Be aware of the persona you are projecting. The media and our society have pushed an over-sexualized, exaggerated rendition of the quintessential female whom I would caution you against embracing for the sake of your psychological and physical well-being. Take a look at real life Barbie, Heidi Montag, or Britney Spears.

 (For shits and giggles, here is the "I'm a Slave for You" video that Britney Spears did. HAWT but sad!)

6. I hate to state the obvious, but only hang out with people if they treat you right. As I've mentioned before, life is short and riddled with plenty of opportunities to feel bad about yourself (refer to "A Man Who Makes You Feel Insecure is Trying to Be in Your League" for a deeper dive). This applies to friendships and relationships. Eliminate toxicity and be kind to yourself.

If you want a nice guy, then look for one. At least try.