The Hot/Crazy Scale

As I've alluded to before in a prior post ("In Case You Didn't Get the Memo: Make Him Happy"), men are logical creatures. Since they are generally shallow beings who care more about outcomes, the amount of shit they are willing to put up with must be proportional to the amount of happiness you deliver. Fortunately for you, delivering happiness to your man is very easy and means one of two things: 1) Be hot or 2) Be low maintenance.

The "interesting" interests you invest in to impress your girl friends (a spotless house, your recent hiking adventure to Machu Picchu, your plans for world domination, and religious usage of your Clarisonic brush) don't really make that much of a difference to a man. It's really very simple- look good and don't give him too much trouble.

The Hot/Crazy Vicky Mendoza Scale was first coined by Barney in this hilarious "How I Met Your Mother" episode. According to Barney, you are allowed to be crazy so long as you are equally hot. Vicky Mendoza was a girl he dated who jumped back and forth across the line by shaving her head, then losing ten pounds, then stabbing Barney with a fork. She finally made it back above the diagonal line by getting a boob job.

The key to snagging a man and keeping him is to stay above the Vicky Mendoza diagonal line. The good news is that if you have managed to get into a relationship with your man, you have probably already cleared his hotness bar (refer to "Stop Reading Cosmo, The Bar is Low"). The bad news is that you are probably crazy. All women are. Just keep that shit under control.

Studies show that constant complaining will actually detract from a man's assessment of a woman's overall attractiveness. And I'm assuming that throwing things, engaging in consistent bitch fights with other women, excessive self-analysis, clinginess, and fits of jealous rage fall into the category of activities that would erode your hotness.

I'm sorry to break the news to you, but a man would probably be willing to lose an arm for Jessica Alba. Not for you. Stay above that Vicky Mendoza diagonal to snag a man and keep him!