The Baby Voice

I realize this post is going to be incendiary and offend a lot of people but I'm just telling it like it is. Men. Are. Stupid.

They get confused and easily torn between their desire to protect you like a pet and parade you around like a trophy. One moment,  they are cherishing the fact that you are an independent, razor-sharp woman they can brag about to all of their friends; at the same time, they fawn over you the moment you exude the fragility of a small child. In the words of my mother, "Boy is dumb. Want you to be fierce but also house pet."

To successfully whip a man, you must embody the yin and the yang- the warrior princess and the baby ditz (and transition between alternate personas with the fluidity of a fine actress). The quickest way to a man's heart is to make him feel needed, but at the same time, make him feel like you don't really need him. Just pretend you're a cat. It'll drive him crazy.

One way to master the "I'm strong, yet vulnerable" act is to use the baby voice. You can order him around like a boss and be as demanding as you want, so long as the baby voice follows. In the most intimidating voice possible, boss him around because he likes it (he secretly really likes it). Then tilt your head, flip your hair, and say "Thank you sooo much, baby!" with the voice of a small child. This has the effect of making a man feel like he has accomplished something truly great.

Forget the rules of feminism and your hope for a man who wants you to be a perpetually strong, independent, strident woman. The baby voice works because it plays into a man's evolutionary biology to protect and feel important. If a man wants to feel like a man, let him. You may even find that ordering him around with the baby voice (and skipping the formidable, scary one altogether) will bristle him less and actually yield more effective results. Throw in some ditzy laughter to mitigate his cognitive dissonance. He will justify his act of kindness (or propensity to be whipped) by making himself believe you are wonderful, important, and worth it. Because he's a man, he may not even realize he is being ordered around.

So while you are taking over the world and being the badass bitch on a mission in the office, remember who you need to be from time to time at home. Tone down the complaining and act like a small child who needs to be protected in order to be the boss of your relationship. Use the baby voice. It works.