Ladder theory and why it takes 2 seconds for a guy..

Karen and The Fashionable Geek weigh in on how long it takes a guy to decide if he's into you!

Karen Song

With women, it is possible for guys to win us over through rote force of will. Listen to us whine and "be there" for us for 2+ years and we'll eventually consider you a prospect. In fact, the higher you are up on the friendship ladder (the more shared experiences you've had, the more cookies you've baked, etc. etc.) the greater your chances of success and avoiding the chasm when leaping over to the other ladder since there are more rungs for you to catch (the hypotenuse of the triangle doesn't really work in your favor if you are closer to the abyss).

For your reference: http://www.laddertheory.com/ladderconsequences.htm



Not so with men. I believe men decide within 2 seconds of meeting you whether they are into you or not. They generally make the decision and stick with it. In large part because they are visually oriented bastards but also because they tend to be decisive and analyze their instincts less. For instance, every time I go out to eat with my boyfriend he scans the menu quickly, decides he wants something like a juicy, bodacious hamburger within seconds, then gets it and eats it. I tend to analyze every option on the menu, argue over whether I want salad or fries, then mooch off of him and give him my plate instead. He doesn't verbalize or dwell over his thinking process. And he is generally so spot-on with his taste that I just mooch off of him every time.

Once a guy has made his decision, he has made his decision. He probably can't write a novel about his feelings (although some guys probably go on to do so) or pin point exactly what it is about you that drives him crazy. I don't think these feelings arise simply because of your hotness (since there are so many flavors of hotness and guys seem to have very unique preferences)... it seems to be a constellation of things about your overall being and what gets projected that plays into the overall image that he swoons over (e.g. Jennifer Aniston "flirty, girl next door type," Tina Fey "witty, librarian type," Angelina "emotional, exotic" type, etc.). When presented with prospects, the man usually decides quickly and instinctively.




If a guy is into you, he will actually find  things to have in common with you. He will try listening to your music, he will take up your interests and claim you're "interesting" because you are different. He will force the fit by all means necessary.

Conversely, if a guy is not that into you, you could win a noble peace prize or run for president and he still won't be into you.

Unfortunately in life the people you try to impress will never be impressed and the people you don't have to impress are impressed already. It takes 2 seconds for a guy to decide whether he is into you or not. If he's into you, there will be noticeable pupil dilation, invasion of your personal space, flustered awkwardness and blushing, and obvious repeated attempts to see you. Even when he tries to hide his fervor (e.g. carefully planned call several days later, casual, cool conversation etc. etc.) YOU WILL KNOW.  Contrary to popular belief, it is nearly impossible for a guy to mask when he's into you.

So if he isn't, move on!
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The Fashionable Geek

As a former male dating consultant you touched upon the two areas that happened to be my specialties- ladder theory and "takeaway" theory- which states men value decisions and women value options.

Let's start with ladder theory. You assume that men decide if they are interested in a woman "in two seconds." This is only partially true.

An initial binary response of "cute enough" or "not cute enough" does in fact occur. Yes, that takes about two seconds. Yes, it's because men are visible creatures. This is evolution folks, and women do it too. In fact, in most situations, women are pickier.

One Night Stands: Are Women Pickier than Men?

Once a woman has passed that first test, she not automatically IN. The 2 seconds is not a decision making phase, just a weeding out processes.

Here's the first place where men and women start to diverge. If as a woman you're looking at the top link and thinking back to every time you either had or considered sex with an average or less than average looking guy, it's because, as Karen mentioned, our ladder system is different. It's different because women like "options", even at times when the option doesn't seem all that appealing.

Let's go back to Karen's example above. Imagine this: You're trying to decide between fries and salad, when the waiter casually mentions "We are all out of salad tonight." How do you feel?

Any men reading this probably are shrugging and thinking, "I'd get me some fries!" The women are probably thinking, "But I wanted a salad!"

Before you get the pitchforks out, don't take my word on this:

Do Women Like Options More Than Men?

Men are more decisive, Women are More Open Minded.

So let's get back to our ladder. We've had two seconds with someone, what happens?

For Men, we've decided either you're on the ladder, or you're off the ladder. If you're off the ladder- Game Over. We're done. Move on.

Women are more likely to place an average or below average guy on the bottom of the ladder. Yeah, he's there- but he's hanging on with just a single hand and it's tipping. It's up to him to climb up.

"But Angel," you may be thinking, "You said women are pickier. You are a mess of contradictions. A beautiful mess, but a mess all the same."

Nope. See, the rub of it is, our ladder is much shorter than yours. It doesn't take us two seconds, but it does take us only about twenty minutes to decide on your original placement.

Let me be clear- You can still fall off and we CAN lose interest. But, let's assume for simplicity sake that the man in this equation is interested in only casual sex (there's a formula going on in our head ladies, and the weight of different action changes depending on what we're looking for). In this scenario, the requirement to reach the top is pretty much "Don't be a pain." It doesn't matter where on the ladder you are- this is really our only requirement at this point. Once you're on our radar- even if only for a fling- the sort-of-cute girl who can name three writers of "Batman" comics still has a better shot than the super-hot model who spends twenty minutes explaining we should "ditch your friend, because he's an idiot."

Simply put, looks matter, but not as much as you think they do.

Okay, so what do the women want? It took years of training, reading, and experimentation for me to answer this question, and used to take months just to get my clients in a place where they started to get a grasp on this- so needless to say, this blog post isn't really going to answer that question thoroughly.

On the basic level, though, women want options. One of the quickest ways a guy can climb your ladder is removing himself as an option. That theory that if you ignore a girl she'll come around. It's sort of true.

Now, I already know most of the women reading this are thinking, "No it's not. That would just piss me off. It would never work on me."

Well, lady readers of this blog, you'll say that a lot. Every woman says that to me when I try to explain how to get a woman's interest. Yet the things I did when I was single worked. They worked ALL THE TIME. But alas, things aren't so simple.

The summary never does what takes months and years to learn justice. But yes, you are right, a guy who just suddenly ignores you when you say not interested is a manipulative jerk and you should stop talking to him. That won't work. (Note: Actually, sometimes it does, but not with women you want to get involved with. Another post, possibly).

For men don't try this unless you know what you're doing, but if you insist, here's a hint: it requires listening to a woman, picking up on her cues telling you where you fit on her ladder, and then acting exactly in the way she told you she wanted to act. You're not removing attention, just giving her a different type of it.

And you know what, listening to what someone says to you and acting accordingly is NOT manipulative.

As for ladder jumping- well, for men, there's usually no need. Our ladder is designed for convenience- to help you climb. If you made it on, then you, as the woman, have already decided where YOU want to be (unless you are, in fact, a pain). No jumping required.

Can men jump? Yes, they can. But it requires a whole mess of changes in our behavior. There's a reason your on the friend ladder buddy- you're acting like her friend. You're acting like JUST her friend. If you want to jump, you have to figure out how to act like her SEXY friend.

How? Again, that's another blog post.

But Karen's advice at the end here is spot on. If a guys not interested, move on. And if a girls not interested? Move on!

Male or female, you've got better things to do with your time than chase someone who doesn't want to to be involved with you. There are others. Have some self respect.

What if you can't tell if he/she is interested?

Takes some time, put yourself out there, get some experience, don't be afraid to fail- and LEARN how to tell.

If you can't be bothered to take the time to properly learn a skill, that's on you. It's not his fault, or hers.
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