The Male Brain

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For all of you ladies out there who enjoy emotional porn and Jane Austen novels I just want to break romance down into its most basic components:

ROMANCE (r)= Male brain activation +  |your response to it|.

Understanding the inputs of this equation will improve your life and save you heartache.  As I've alluded to many times in this blog, romantic complication could be easily circumvented by keeping things simple and understanding that men are logical beings with very basic needs. If they want to eat, they eat something. If they want to make money, they find a job. If they want to be with a girl, they figure out where they want to put her and act accordingly.

A man will put a woman in one of two categories according to what his male brain dictates:
a) Woman he wants to make out with (or do more with...)
b) Woman he wants to be with

Because the male brain is really divided into two parts, the brain below the belt and the brain that thinks, he responds to each separately.  By contrast, females complicate, intermingle, and interrelate everything. Since the the female brain has greater connectivity between the corpus collosum, women tend to be verbose, emotionally oriented in their decisions, and take a holistic approach to observing the world (I highly recommend "The Female Brain," for more information on biological gender differences). It is difficult for us to compartmentalize, and attraction and attachment are closely interrelated. We can't possibly hug and kiss (or do more) with a man without developing affection. And the women who claim they can are putting on a brave show.

Not so with a man. Basic need is satisfied by basic action. If a man is horny, he will watch porn or hit the bar for some low hanging fruit. Unfortunately, the woman he finds to satisfy category A is generally someone who is blithely unaware that she is clearing a very low bar. She is flattered that someone finds her "attractive" and is validating her effervescence, awesome personality and captivating face when in reality, the man is just relieved to be talking with someone who isn't hideous (and even hideousness would be a forgiveable offense if he were sufficiently inebriated). I can't tell you how many times I've had to field phone calls from women who have been discarded and used in this fashion and will tirelessly romp around in over-analysis and emotional porn.

If a man is really into a woman, however, his approach will be different. He will plot and plan. The general impression of the woman, the mystique of her hotness or her personality, will be methodically dissected. He will discuss her and his plan to snag her with all of his friends, temper the douche impulse from a sprint to a marathon, and make dinner reservations. Since this is a long term partnership he is considering, he will assess her interests and needs and plan his hunt accordingly. If you are in contingent B, congrats. You are on your way to obtaining a future boyfriend or a dick in a glass case (aka male friend).

Your response to being put in either category A or category B should always be one of caution. Cautiousness will deter a douche looking for instant gratification as well as heighten the affections of a man who is thrilled with the chase.  So resist your thirst for emotional porn and complex storytelling if you truly want to win.

In sum,  remember the male brain equation. The absolute value of your response (positive or negative) contributes to the amount of "romance" you feel and detracts from self-control and self- agency in your life.  So don't obsess over the man who has used you for a one night stand (the negative direction) and don't be easily impressed by a man who has a plan (the positive direction).  Let male brain activation carry the brunt of the work in your romance for it to work out in your best interest.  Unless you really don't care what your contribution is and just want high faluting emotional porn. By all means, toss away for a higher absolute "romantic" score.

A man who makes you feel insecure is trying to be in your league but will never be

By Karen Song

If I were a man who didn't naturally "have much game" and I were interested in acquiring a hot woman, these are the options I would consider:

1) Become super rich.
2) Ingratiate myself and manipulate her into thinking she needs me so that I become indispensable. This could be achieved by fixing her electronics, getting her hired at a job, and encouraging general co-dependency.
3) Be a jerk and insult her so that she thinks I'm hot stuff

As you can see, the easiest way for a man to snag a woman out of his league is to make her feel insecure and jerk her around with her own feelings (whether it be by making her feel like she needs him or knocking her down enough to feel like she needs him). Every woman seems to have latent insecurity from centuries of oppression, period induced moodiness, and photo-shopped garbage:

So men will often try to manipulate these feelings if they are below your league. From a logical standpoint, making someone feel insecure is a very easy task. If you were to walk up to any stranger on the street and tell him that he's fat, I'm sure he'd go home, check himself out in the mirror, and resolve to work out. A man on a mission to make you feel insecure will probably succeed if he intends to and you let him.

It is important to recognize when this happens to avoid drama and other unnecessary problems and snag a man who is actually in your league. A small man who normally doesn't have power and is on a power trip is pretty much the worst case scenario. It's like wasting your precious time and emotional energy unpacking your interactions with the office bitch, who doesn't have anything else in life going for her but being a bitch. Life is short and ridden with plenty of opportunities to feel bad about yourself. So don't waste your time. You deserve to live life at your best with the best man you can snag. Not with someone beneath you whose best chance at success with you is achieved by making you feel small.

If you don't believe me, just visit David De'Angelo and his pick up artist tricks to confirm that this is an actual technique: http://www.doubleyourdating.com/  I once had a loser ping me repeatedly over the course of a year to give me "life advice" and accuse me of being a psychopathic basket case with Aspergers syndrome after I met him twice (I'm not even kidding on this one). Once it became clear that seemingly harmless social media desperation was turning into something malicious, I de-friended him immediately. Recognize this when it happens.

The tendency for men to project their own insecurity onto their unwitting victims (their female "projects") is unfortunately a common occurrence. There is even a term for the idealized, crazy female who under normal circumstances would be out of a man's league: The Manic Pixie Dream Girl. A beautiful woman like Audrey Hepburn in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" or Natalie Portman in "Garden State" suddenly becomes accessible to a man below her league because of her manic, crazy tendencies.

A man who makes you feel insecure is trying be in your league but will never be. So be your fabulous self and establish some boundaries. Snag someone with self-confidence who matches your level of awesomeness. End of story.

The Alpha Male Versus the Alpha Female

By Karen Song


If you want to think like a man, don't read Steve Harvey's book - just pick up an issue of Men's Health the next time you are reaching for People in the airport. To win the game, you must be well-versed in the mind of your opponent and Men's Health is the single most enlightening piece of literature you'll ever read about snagging a man (well, after my blog). Here is a sample from my plane ride to San Diego this past weekend:

As you can see, the alpha male is someone who commands power and presence. He is self-confident and projects strength. The level of respect a man has for someone is closely tied to the recipient's strength of character. Strength does not necessarily mean brute physical strength, but could mean spiritual fortitude, mastery of a particular domain or skill set, or the guts to pursue dreams and passions. Since men are evolutionarily drawn to exploration, conquering new lands, and flexing their muscles (either through wrestling or vicariously fighting opponents in video games), they respect people who demonstrate strength. Men rarely initiate or sustain friendships with men they don't respect. And I suspect the way they evaluate other men could be applied to their evaluation of women.

Unfortunately, women often project weakness in order to feel desired and accepted. The ditzy voice and damsel in distress act, the constant projection of insecurity and venting about self-created problems, seems to enthrall and impress across multiple cultures and generations (hence our fascination with shows like "The Hills"). If we aren't careful, it is easy for women to get lost in the complexity of our biology and the complexity of how we relate to human beings around us. To feel connectedness with our girl friends, we self-deprecate and emote self created problems. To gain respect from our girl friends, we hide our problems and project "having it all." To feel connectedness with co-workers, we avoid becoming too strident with our opinions and projecting brazen self confidence. To gain respect at work and get ahead, we project the opposite and embrace the character of "bitch." I attribute this complexity to schizophrenic societal expectations and irrational fear and jealousy of the truly put together woman. In fact, it isn't even clear to me who the alpha female actually is.  While the strongest alpha male in a group tends to be admired by bros and females alike, the alpha female in a group (either the hottest one, who usually becomes the subject of intense jealousy and gossip, or the domineering, unattractive one, who incurs resentment over time) is simultaneously admired and hated.

The alpha female, if there is such a thing, is typically the subject of gossip, attention, and general nitpicking. We must throw darts at Britney Spears until she truly has mental problems and we must label Michelle Obama an angry looking woman because they dared to even approach "perfect." While the road to alpha maleness is pretty straightforward, the alpha female constantly needs to esconce her strength in weakness to avoid being the subject of negative attention. It seems we must embody weakness in order to be societally accepted while projecting strength in order to be societally respected.

For some reason, this complexity has been internalized and woven into the general discourse about how women should act in relationships and what is perceived to be attractive. Women feel they must project weakness in order to feel desired. But to ultimately get respect from a man, you must project strength and self confidence. Respect is earned with men: hard to win and easy to lose. Unlike women, who tend to value emotional connectedness over respect in their friendships, males ultimately value respect, and consequently must respect a woman in order to be in a long term relationship. They will love and respect a woman with passion and purpose, not a woman who wallows in self-deprecation or weakness. In fact, studies show that complaining too much will ultimately detract from your attractiveness and your relationship: http://www.1lovespirit.com/kara_oh_18.html

Men are logical creatures. The more self-confidence you have, the less they have to deal with.
Your partner's respect and assessment of your long-term relationship potential is ultimately tied to his assessment of your strength. So keep it simple and embrace your inner alpha female as it should be ideally expressed.

Let's Get Hot and Steamy with Great Expectations

By Karen Song


 When I was younger, I downloaded the soundtrack to the movie "Great Expectations" and dreamt of being the wistful, gorgeous, and leggy, Gwyneth Paltrow. I thought the movie was steamy and hot. And who hasn't dreamt of being Ethan Hawke's obsession? (check out this emotional porn building montage and fast forward to 2:21 for the part you want):

The problem with this picture is that Ethan Hawke had some serious mental problems. After a childhood of being abused and taught to make Gwen his obsession, he followed her to New York, had sex with her even though she was engaged to be married, and made it his sole mission in life to impress her by pretending to be a famous, wealthy, person. Even when the convict that he rescued in childhood became his mysterious benefactor and bought all of his paintings, which led to Ethan becoming a real "success" because of good press and connections, he was willing to toss all of that away for a passionate kiss with Gwyneth in the rain. That wasn't true love. That was just sick.

While emotional porn makes for a good movie, it does not translate to health and wellness. If John Cusack is standing outside of your window with a boombox please call the cops:

 

If Tom Cruise says to you "I love you, you complete me" please run as fast as you can. No one should complete anyone. And if it is literally Tom Cruise, then for obvious reasons:

 

 

If Leonardo DiCaprio falls hard for you after a few days on an ill-fated ship and he wants to simulate flying, I'm sorry, but it's time to let Jack go:

 

 



 

Ethan Hawke should have ditched the bitch when he had the chance. Responding any differently signifies mental illness. The truth is, great expectations don't translate to relationship health or a man who is well balanced. You will never snag a man who is sensitive, desperate, and good looking (let's be honest). And a true man has self respect. He would never indulge your emotional porn or tell you to stand on the bow of a ship.

 

Let me break this down for a generation enthralled with cheesy cinema. If a man falls this quickly and deeply in love with you, he is not really obsessed with you, he is obsessed with the idea of being in love with you. You become easily interchangeable with Gwenyth Paltrow, Kate Winslet (or any other girl, really) because the emotion is not really about you, but about what he is feeling. In the beginning it's okay and I'm sure a lot of relationships start out that way; but ultimately, a man should never give up his livelihood, demand that you complete him, or stand outside of your room with a boombox if he has better things to do. Infatuation (addictive attachment) and true love (which is nurtured and blossoms over a long period of time) needs to be distinguished if you desire a mutually loving, happy, and healthy relationship.

 

If you want a real man, you must keep your great expectations in check. Or you could get hot and steamy with some bedside emotional porn for a healthy lonely existence. Your choice, but please distinguish one from the other.

In Case You Didn't Get the Memo: Make Him Happy

It seems obvious, but I'm surprised by how many women didn't get the memo. If all of the effort spent on plastic surgery, fake tans, acquiring expensive hand bags, and catfighting were simply redirected, I'm convinced the world would be a better place (although I'd hate to give up my "Real Desperate Housewives" fix like everybody else). Remember: how much shit your man puts up with must be proportional to the amount of happiness you deliver.



As I've mentioned before, guys are simple, logical creatures. They measure their level of satisfaction with the relationship by the amount of time they spend being happy. In fact, they will actually project positive characteristics onto you with time well spent (whether it's surfing or taking a walk in the park, the more shared happy memories you create the better). Even if these activities could be done just as easily with a pet, the man will not be able to distinguish his happiness from affection. Building happy memories together and replicating this happiness over and over again in the relationship is what a woman should be investing in. If there's one take away point you should emblazon into memory from this blog, it is this one.

You could be the hottest person on the planet but if the majority of the relationship is spent in dire unhappiness and shouting matches, jealousy, and hormonal craziness, the hotness is no longer relevant. I know it's hard ladies, but try to save the crazy for your girl friends, who are better equipped to handle it. This includes dramatic venting and exaggeration of your every day problems, once a month period rage, and excessive nagging (men absolutely hate this). Once the amount of shit you give him begins to outweigh the amount of happiness he feels with you or for you, you are on shaky ground. Conversely, if a man spends most of the time being happy with you, you have plenty of wiggle room (trust me).

The good news is, it doesn't take much to make a man happy. Here is a list of surefire ways that could be universally applied (regardless of race or nationality):

1) Watch Family Guy with him. Even if you can't stand it. Just do it.
2) Smile. Run your hands through your hair and flip it. Men love this.
3) Laugh at his jokes. Laugh often. The goofier you are the better.
4) Be cute.
5) Do nice things for him once in a while (it doesn't have to be a grand gesture, if he loves you he's floored by anything). Examples: massaging his forehead while he's dozing off in your lap, cooking his favorite spaghetti dish, getting tickets for a show, etc.
6) Stop complaining.
7) The obvious.

Remember, a man will measure how smitten he is with you by how much of the time he spends being happy with you.

"Girl's Night Out" Does Not Help You Snag a Man

Every woman squeals over doing this type of thing. Like dressing up for Halloween, a "Girl's Night Out" is the perfect avenue for showcasing your assets. There's strength in numbers and posting vain self-portraits on Instagram are a little too obvious. Major brownie points are earned in girl world for posing sexily in a hot, pink dress with ten other women at a Las Vegas bachelorette. This is not the case if you decide to take a slew of self-portraits in the mirror from your bedroom.



On weekends I usually see this type of Facebook post:  "I'm so excited for girl's night out with the ladies, XOXO!"

This type of text message: "OMG, can't wait to look hot with you lady! Let's dance! TTYL!"

Or a series of bisexual Instagram shots with the caption: "Keeping it real! I love my bestie!"

I am somewhat floored by the amount of effort that goes into a production like this and have several theories about why it happens. It is a well known fact that girls in a group seem hotter than any of them would be individually. The female collective distracts from an individual's shortcomings and characteristics in what is commonly known as "The Cheerleader Effect," and I'm sure a scantily clad group merely augments this effect for men.  For a visual demonstration of what I'm talking about, check out this "How I Met Your Mother" video clip (trust me, it's good.. Alyson Hannigan, who was referenced as the quintessential dude's hottie in my "Stop Reading Cosmo" post: http://howtosnagaman.blogspot.com/2012/08/stop-reading-cosmo-bar-is-low.html, is actually in it):

Girls are inherently vain and wish to be ogled at (even though they don't really care to dance or meet someone at a club). While this whole facade plays nicely into a girl's emotional pornography and the vision of being glamorous (just like those ladies from Sex and the City!), it's not really effective in snagging a man.

First of all, what kind of rational man wants to "break the set" with seven catty women? The whole interaction will inevitably be dissected, reviewed, and gossiped about since nitpicking on the "strange man" is the perfect way for the ladies to bond. In addition, the male often has to deal with variables like the heavy-set jealous friend or the gate-keeping male friend the ladies have dragged along. The man probably would (and should) run for the hills on this one.

Secondly, all ladies should examine their honest intentions here. Are you really going to the club to find true love or to actualize your emotional pornography and the Sex and the City vision? Chances are, you probably won't find the man of your dreams from a sea of drunken men who come there with the intention to ogle, but maybe that's what you really want. When you go out for "Girl's Night Out," it's just a given that you don't want to be caught grinding with some strange man or incur the censure of your girl mob. So admit your true intention (be it vanity or something else) and discern that from your desire to succeed. Too many times, I have seen women invest hours, maybe days, into looking sexually desirable for the big moment, only to become incredibly depressed, despondent, and disappointed when the colossal amounts of effort don't translate to actual guy success. This behavior is irrational to me and doesn't make any sense.

If you are going to make "Girl's Night Out" work for you in snagging a man, I would suggest trading in your female loyalty for true opportunity by breaking off from the set. Since I'm generally excluded from bi-sexual antics or grow tired of the girl clique over the course of the evening, I usually wander into a nice surgeon or engineer on my way to the bar (whom I then try to foist onto one of my girl friends).

"Girl's Night Out" does not help you snag a man.

Move to Silicon Valley: Law of Supply and Demand

If there's anything I've learned from living in Silicon Valley, it's that scarcity increases perceived attractiveness. In Silicon Valley the ratio of guys to girls is 2:1 and the dearth of women (with the exception of San Francisco) is so pronounced that San Jose is even called "Man Jose." Men are generally intelligent, conscientious, and successful (albeit odd) and will assess your attractiveness rather highly. Just moving here alone will significantly increase your chances of snagging a man and a successful, doting husband. Men will literally apply the enthusiasm they apply to their start-ups and day jobs at Facebook and Google to snagging and keeping you. It's really kind of cute.

In addition to increased options and new-found popularity, moving here will do worlds for a girl's confidence and social life. Your perceived attractiveness bumps up  several levels instantly-->the overwhelmingly positive treatment and attention you receive becomes internalized and baked into a sunny outlook on the world-->men respond to your glow-->cycle repeats. Human beings are so susceptible to public opinion that once you have been chatted about within a dude's inner circle, your socially perceived hotness level magnifies ten fold (Since dudes will find you attractive when they decide that other dudes find you attractive). Just avoid San Francisco where all the pretty girls live. In fact, avoid moving to areas with lots of pretty girls in general. Here's a map to better illustrate the law of supply and demand.

I can't tell you how many women have complained to me about the douche factor in Los Angeles and New York. The gender ratio seems to be reversed in these regions and the ladies have way too many sordid stories to tell of heartbreak, abuse, cheating, and general misfortune in love.  As a woman living in Silicon Valley I have to use my imagination to conjure up such an existence. In the Valley, I bet any woman in the "Sex and the City" series could go on Match.com and quickly find an MIT or Stanford graduate who treats them well enough  (but that would be far less glamorous).

Los Angeles, the dude's version of Silicon Valley (heh, Silicone Valley), is just about the worst deal a woman can get. There are a plethora of attractive women who enhance themselves with implants and octane voices. Competition is so fierce that women have actually honed their hotness factor down to a science. All of this effort goes into attracting less intelligent, less conscientious, and on the whole, douchier men than you would find up in the Bay Area.

If you still don't believe that scarcity increases perceived attractiveness and induces better treatment from men, please visit the following New York Times article about how "For Many Chinese Bachelors, No Deed Means No Dates" (the smug girl riding on the back of the dude's bicycle is a great representation): http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/15/world/asia/15bachelors.html?pagewanted=all
It appears that Chinese bias for male babies due to the one child policy has created a gender gap of over 32 million and "an imminent generation of excess men:" http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/11/world/asia/11china.htmlhttp://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/11/world/asia/11china.html

Marketplace dynamics apply to poaching the opposite sex. So go where the supply is low and demand is high. Move to Silicon Valley. Or Silicone Valley if you are a dude.