The Alpha Male Versus the Alpha Female

By Karen Song


If you want to think like a man, don't read Steve Harvey's book - just pick up an issue of Men's Health the next time you are reaching for People in the airport. To win the game, you must be well-versed in the mind of your opponent and Men's Health is the single most enlightening piece of literature you'll ever read about snagging a man (well, after my blog). Here is a sample from my plane ride to San Diego this past weekend:

As you can see, the alpha male is someone who commands power and presence. He is self-confident and projects strength. The level of respect a man has for someone is closely tied to the recipient's strength of character. Strength does not necessarily mean brute physical strength, but could mean spiritual fortitude, mastery of a particular domain or skill set, or the guts to pursue dreams and passions. Since men are evolutionarily drawn to exploration, conquering new lands, and flexing their muscles (either through wrestling or vicariously fighting opponents in video games), they respect people who demonstrate strength. Men rarely initiate or sustain friendships with men they don't respect. And I suspect the way they evaluate other men could be applied to their evaluation of women.

Unfortunately, women often project weakness in order to feel desired and accepted. The ditzy voice and damsel in distress act, the constant projection of insecurity and venting about self-created problems, seems to enthrall and impress across multiple cultures and generations (hence our fascination with shows like "The Hills"). If we aren't careful, it is easy for women to get lost in the complexity of our biology and the complexity of how we relate to human beings around us. To feel connectedness with our girl friends, we self-deprecate and emote self created problems. To gain respect from our girl friends, we hide our problems and project "having it all." To feel connectedness with co-workers, we avoid becoming too strident with our opinions and projecting brazen self confidence. To gain respect at work and get ahead, we project the opposite and embrace the character of "bitch." I attribute this complexity to schizophrenic societal expectations and irrational fear and jealousy of the truly put together woman. In fact, it isn't even clear to me who the alpha female actually is.  While the strongest alpha male in a group tends to be admired by bros and females alike, the alpha female in a group (either the hottest one, who usually becomes the subject of intense jealousy and gossip, or the domineering, unattractive one, who incurs resentment over time) is simultaneously admired and hated.

The alpha female, if there is such a thing, is typically the subject of gossip, attention, and general nitpicking. We must throw darts at Britney Spears until she truly has mental problems and we must label Michelle Obama an angry looking woman because they dared to even approach "perfect." While the road to alpha maleness is pretty straightforward, the alpha female constantly needs to esconce her strength in weakness to avoid being the subject of negative attention. It seems we must embody weakness in order to be societally accepted while projecting strength in order to be societally respected.

For some reason, this complexity has been internalized and woven into the general discourse about how women should act in relationships and what is perceived to be attractive. Women feel they must project weakness in order to feel desired. But to ultimately get respect from a man, you must project strength and self confidence. Respect is earned with men: hard to win and easy to lose. Unlike women, who tend to value emotional connectedness over respect in their friendships, males ultimately value respect, and consequently must respect a woman in order to be in a long term relationship. They will love and respect a woman with passion and purpose, not a woman who wallows in self-deprecation or weakness. In fact, studies show that complaining too much will ultimately detract from your attractiveness and your relationship: http://www.1lovespirit.com/kara_oh_18.html

Men are logical creatures. The more self-confidence you have, the less they have to deal with.
Your partner's respect and assessment of your long-term relationship potential is ultimately tied to his assessment of your strength. So keep it simple and embrace your inner alpha female as it should be ideally expressed.