If He Doesn't Pay for Shit, He's Not That Into You

I don't understand how a woman can be the least bit forgiving on this one. If it feels weird when he doesn't pay on your first date, it is because it is weird. Not because he could potentially be poor (which would be very unsexy anyway). Not because you are being unfair (because you should be, forget feminism). But because it is what it is. He's either a chum or a jerk who just wants to get you in the sack.

I don't care if he's a starving grad student or he's super socially awkward and supposedly doesn't know any better. As I've alluded to many times in this blog, you are evolutionarily entitled to the best possible man you can snag. This means you should snag a man who is assertive, understands basic social norms, and will even make sacrifices to ensure he impresses you. He should pick you up. He should choose the venue. He should show up on time. And he should pay for dinner. If a man doesn't know how to peacock or take charge he doesn't know how to fulfill his evolutionary purpose. Or maybe he's just a jerk and wants to invest as little as possible in someone he perceives to be low hanging fruit. Either way, ditch the cheap dude and move on to greener pastures quickly. 

(for your viewing pleasure, here is a metaphorical reminder of what male peacocking looks like. Hot stuff, right?):

I can't tell you how many times women have called me to double check on this very awkward subject. 

"I don't mind paying, I'm an independent woman, right?" 

"Is it weird that he asked me to pay?'

"It was our first date..."

There's no grey area here. The guy should have paid. Moving forward, he should at least offer to pay on subsequent dates if he's truly invested in you. And he should buy you gifts once in a while to secure your greatest affections over the course of a long term partnership. A man's job (from an evolutionarily adaptive perspective) is to feed and provide for his family.  In fact, male species throughout the animal kingdom invest in colorful plumage and all sorts of unnecessary rituals and appendages to snag their female counterparts. If he can't even be bothered to signal and demonstrate that he is capable of feeding or providing for you (especially when you are in the early stages of a relationship) it's time to move on. Cheap is not sexy. So why make exceptions? 

Even if he's someone who happens to be very poor, he will still do everything in his power to impress you if he is truly that into you. I wince at telling this story but I'm going to do it anyway to make a point. I once had an ex-boyfriend tell me he was so in love with the girl he dated before me that he would actually sit in eye-ball tracking studies for hours at a time just to earn enough money to buy her jewelry while he was a starving student. He had a busy schedule I'm sure, and I'm pretty sure this degree of sacrificial stupidity was not extended to me (he's married to a nice lady right now). Still, it's a sweet story, and every man should treat his beloved this way. 

No matter the cost, a man (prospective boyfriend) should always be trying to impress you. Even if you could theoretically pay your own way as a thriving, independent, successful, powerful woman, don't you want a boyfriend who can still take care of it? If a man doesn't pay for shit, he's not that into you. Cheap is not sexy, so find a man who can peacock and deserves your awesomeness. 

The Baby Voice

I realize this post is going to be incendiary and offend a lot of people but I'm just telling it like it is. Men. Are. Stupid.

They get confused and easily torn between their desire to protect you like a pet and parade you around like a trophy. One moment,  they are cherishing the fact that you are an independent, razor-sharp woman they can brag about to all of their friends; at the same time, they fawn over you the moment you exude the fragility of a small child. In the words of my mother, "Boy is dumb. Want you to be fierce but also house pet."

To successfully whip a man, you must embody the yin and the yang- the warrior princess and the baby ditz (and transition between alternate personas with the fluidity of a fine actress). The quickest way to a man's heart is to make him feel needed, but at the same time, make him feel like you don't really need him. Just pretend you're a cat. It'll drive him crazy.

One way to master the "I'm strong, yet vulnerable" act is to use the baby voice. You can order him around like a boss and be as demanding as you want, so long as the baby voice follows. In the most intimidating voice possible, boss him around because he likes it (he secretly really likes it). Then tilt your head, flip your hair, and say "Thank you sooo much, baby!" with the voice of a small child. This has the effect of making a man feel like he has accomplished something truly great.

Forget the rules of feminism and your hope for a man who wants you to be a perpetually strong, independent, strident woman. The baby voice works because it plays into a man's evolutionary biology to protect and feel important. If a man wants to feel like a man, let him. You may even find that ordering him around with the baby voice (and skipping the formidable, scary one altogether) will bristle him less and actually yield more effective results. Throw in some ditzy laughter to mitigate his cognitive dissonance. He will justify his act of kindness (or propensity to be whipped) by making himself believe you are wonderful, important, and worth it. Because he's a man, he may not even realize he is being ordered around.

So while you are taking over the world and being the badass bitch on a mission in the office, remember who you need to be from time to time at home. Tone down the complaining and act like a small child who needs to be protected in order to be the boss of your relationship. Use the baby voice. It works.

How to Spot a Jerk

I love men (refer to "Damsel in Distress.. It Works" for a more thorough discussion of their utility). But let's face it. They can be jerks. And the worst part is, society gives you really shitty advice on how to cope. Here is just a sampling of some tired, overused aphorisms:

"You're too good for him! Just be your fabulous self, girl friend!"
"What a player ... (translation: guy: admiration; female: gloating/I told you so)."
"Don't text or call him. Focus on you and getting your life in order right now."

For the longest time, I tried to understand movies like Bridget Jones's Diary and this world of villainizing/othering the quintessential asshole. Somewhere out there in the universe, pedophiles and mass murderers exist. And so do dashing, British men like Hugh Grant- asshole men with killer accents who pick up prostitutes on the street in real life and cheat on their wives. It's us versus them (the players, the cheaters, the categorical self-esteem destroyers, etc etc.) and it's our responsibility to spot them, right?

Wrong.

The truth is, every man has the latent capacity to be a jerk (refer to my previous post "The Male Brain" for a deeper dive). Nice guys and good friends can easily morph into the figurative big, bad wolf when it comes to the brain below the belt. In fact, a man is selectively jerky. If you reach an adequate bar of respect, looks, or personality for this man, the urge can be easily whipped and controlled. But if any single one of these pieces, which commands a man's true affection and attachment to you, are missing, you really are shit out of luck. A man will either roam, take you for granted, or take advantage if he doesn't take you seriously. 

If this is the case, just let it be and don't take it personally. Like a job or a friend that doesn't match, he's not for you so don't force it. The last thing you should do is let your bruised ego transform into the desire to crawl back for more or morph into a psycho-bitch and fight incessantly for a futile purpose. That spark you feel is really just insecurity and uncertainty talking. Cut loose and find someone who adores you.

When in doubt, revisit this list of tell-tale signs that he is being a jerk:

1) He doesn't listen to you when you talk.
2) He moves in physically too fast, too soon.
3) .....Actually, I think this list is already pretty comprehensive...

Every man has the capacity to be a jerk. Choose one who isn't (to you). And loves you.

Damsel in Distress... it works

Unlike women, men are creatures of action, not words. They don't like discussing problems at length without discussing solutions. And if you ask them what they are thinking about, they will offer up some hypothetical bullshit to appease you when they are probably just thinking about where to eat next. While this desire to simplify the complex at all times may appear simple, it is actually quite ingenius and probably makes one more effective at life.  Here's a picture to illustrate my point:

(Below the squiggly line is what the male and female brain are thinking at all times. Above the squiggly line is how that thought process is translated in dialogue to the external world).

Much like a dog, a man is impatient with self-rumination and eager to please. He doesn't like to think about exceptions to the rule, what "could be," or what "hasn't happened." He isn't catty or overly verbose (unless he's gay) and will bark, fetch, and sit when necessary. When angry, he'll punch. When asked to do something, he'll execute. When intending to relax, he will actually protect his downtime with the same measure of territoriality as a mother bear protecting her den of cubs (you do not want to so much as touch his time playing video games or watching sports with a 10-foot pole). Bark. Fetch. Sit. Which brings me to a very valuable secret. You can actually utilize his caveman brain, which makes a figurative tick mark and lights up with unbounded joy every time he completes a task, to your advantage.

When a man is into you, he will do nice things for you. He will fetch because it makes him happy. All you need to do really, is encourage this symbiotic relationship. Men love a straightforward avenue to success. They love structure, a clear cut path, and getting things done. Doing things for you to make you happy activates a biologically wired, dopamine pathway in their brains. The more gratitude you express after asking for help, the more wonderful and useful they feel. And it's symbiotic because I'm sure you like having things done for you, too.

Just raise your voice an octave higher next time and say, "Thank you sooo much! It really means a lot to me." Winning you over is an achievement for a man so concede once in a while. If it will solve your problem and make both of you happy then it's really okay. Act like the damsel in distress... it works.

Turn to Your Friends

Most women don't get this, so I'm going to break it down. Lovers and partners are two very different job descriptions. If you want a lover, then go find that exotic man who whispers cheesy, romantic things to you. Or turn off your thinking brain and have some fun in the Marina. But if you want to find a real partner, your expectations should be different.

A partner is someone with whom you can realistically live and share everything (the good, the bad, and the ugly) with. This is someone who will patiently put up with your shit, listen to you whine for hours when your boss is being a bitch, and will help you do house chores. Doing the mundane day to day things- laundry, washing dishes, getting your car fixed, and getting free samples at Costco- comprises the majority of a long term relationship. The whole idea is that your significant other can make cooking, cleaning, paying bills, travelling and seeing new places, and eventually popping out children a fun and transcendent experience. If you can power through 70% of this experience without wanting to tear your significant other's head off, I'd say you are doing pretty good.

For some reason, romantic movies never get to this part. The part about the doofus running through the airport to intercept a flighty woman due to an emotional misunderstanding is usually covered in dramatic, excruciating detail (check out the "Technology Ruins Romance" video from Wongfu): 

But movies rarely cover the real stuff.  

Your relationship with your man is a unique type of relationship akin to the type of relationship you would have with a good room mate. While in theory, your shopping/gossiping gal pal seems like she would be a great person to share a room with, in practice, she might be an absolute nightmare who leaves her hair in the shower drain and dirty dishes in the sink. Likewise, a lover who seems great in theory may not necessarily be your ticket to domestic or long-term bliss. To state the obvious, your chances of staying with a man are significantly greater if you think you can live with him. 

This is why turning to your friends is so important. Studies show that most long term couples resemble each other in terms of height, weight, culture, socioeconomic status, and even random attributes such as lung capacity and interocular eye distance. Couples will usually come from the same geographical region (for instance, east coast or west coast within the US) or culture, and their chances of success are significantly higher if their families know each other. As gross as it seems, we may subconsciously seek those most like us since the offspring produced from mating fifth cousins is actually most genetically optimal from a biological standpoint (hence the frequency of this mating pattern in birds and other animals).

"Ewwing" aside, the best way to find someone you can put up with is probably through your network. Date your friends (yes, you should!) or date friends of friends to filter out the strange stuff and significantly increase your chances of meeting someone you can get along with. 

My Mommy's Wisdom

By Karen Song

When I was younger, I never believed mommy was right. But she actually was. I will dispense this advice to you now...

1. Don't wear too much make-up or over-do it with the high maintenance activities. I had a guy tell me on a boating trip yesterday, "Whenever I see manicured nails or that eyelash curler thing, I run." All you need to do is shower and wear clean clothes. I personally use Dove Men's body wash. 

2. Focus on being happy and well. Exercise, eat right, sleep, make friends, and wear sunscreen. The best ways to beauty are health, happiness, and a disarming smile. 

3. Invest in your education and your professional development. A man will respect you more when you have independence and self-efficacy. These aspects are more important to a man than your investment in plastic surgery. And the types of men who are interested in those investments and willing to indulge house froggery are probably the types of men that don't respect women anyway (just think about all those trophy wives in Orange County who still get cheated on). You never want to give so much power to a man that he becomes a dick, so please invest in financial independence and self-sufficiency. At least you'll always have yourself to fall back on. 

4. The women who get into healthy, long-term relationships and marriages are not always the most beautiful ones. In fact, the ones that stay in stable relationships are usually plain and quite average. My mommy says that beautiful women depend too much on their appearance so never have the chance to develop a personality or the qualities that men would require of a long-term partner. They also tend to be picky with unrealistic expectations. Being responsible, dependable, and resourceful are qualities that any logical man would probably want in a wife and mother. So learn to think about the needs of others, stay on top of your life, and don't be a bitch. 

5. It's very important to not be a bitch. My mommy used to say, "Karen, OK to BITCH yi dian (this means "little bit" in Chinese)." Her meaning was that it's actually advisable to be a little bit of a bitch to avoid being walked all over at work and in your relationship. But it's probably not okay to really be a bitch and drive your man crazy. Being bat-crazy will definitely make the guy wander. 

6. All men are kind of the same. I may even argue that there's even less variation between men than there is between women. Every man want a woman who smells nice, doesn't complain constantly, and doesn't give them too much trouble. They want good sex and a personality they can put up with. My mommy says that if you don't learn this lesson early, you will jump from man to man and continue to deal with the same shit and set of problems since all men are kind of the same. 

My mommy's advice is spot-on (albeit blunt). These are time-tested methods for snagging a man. 

The Male Brain

Please listen here if you don't like reading:





For all of you ladies out there who enjoy emotional porn and Jane Austen novels I just want to break romance down into its most basic components:

ROMANCE (r)= Male brain activation +  |your response to it|.

Understanding the inputs of this equation will improve your life and save you heartache.  As I've alluded to many times in this blog, romantic complication could be easily circumvented by keeping things simple and understanding that men are logical beings with very basic needs. If they want to eat, they eat something. If they want to make money, they find a job. If they want to be with a girl, they figure out where they want to put her and act accordingly.

A man will put a woman in one of two categories according to what his male brain dictates:
a) Woman he wants to make out with (or do more with...)
b) Woman he wants to be with

Because the male brain is really divided into two parts, the brain below the belt and the brain that thinks, he responds to each separately.  By contrast, females complicate, intermingle, and interrelate everything. Since the the female brain has greater connectivity between the corpus collosum, women tend to be verbose, emotionally oriented in their decisions, and take a holistic approach to observing the world (I highly recommend "The Female Brain," for more information on biological gender differences). It is difficult for us to compartmentalize, and attraction and attachment are closely interrelated. We can't possibly hug and kiss (or do more) with a man without developing affection. And the women who claim they can are putting on a brave show.

Not so with a man. Basic need is satisfied by basic action. If a man is horny, he will watch porn or hit the bar for some low hanging fruit. Unfortunately, the woman he finds to satisfy category A is generally someone who is blithely unaware that she is clearing a very low bar. She is flattered that someone finds her "attractive" and is validating her effervescence, awesome personality and captivating face when in reality, the man is just relieved to be talking with someone who isn't hideous (and even hideousness would be a forgiveable offense if he were sufficiently inebriated). I can't tell you how many times I've had to field phone calls from women who have been discarded and used in this fashion and will tirelessly romp around in over-analysis and emotional porn.

If a man is really into a woman, however, his approach will be different. He will plot and plan. The general impression of the woman, the mystique of her hotness or her personality, will be methodically dissected. He will discuss her and his plan to snag her with all of his friends, temper the douche impulse from a sprint to a marathon, and make dinner reservations. Since this is a long term partnership he is considering, he will assess her interests and needs and plan his hunt accordingly. If you are in contingent B, congrats. You are on your way to obtaining a future boyfriend or a dick in a glass case (aka male friend).

Your response to being put in either category A or category B should always be one of caution. Cautiousness will deter a douche looking for instant gratification as well as heighten the affections of a man who is thrilled with the chase.  So resist your thirst for emotional porn and complex storytelling if you truly want to win.

In sum,  remember the male brain equation. The absolute value of your response (positive or negative) contributes to the amount of "romance" you feel and detracts from self-control and self- agency in your life.  So don't obsess over the man who has used you for a one night stand (the negative direction) and don't be easily impressed by a man who has a plan (the positive direction).  Let male brain activation carry the brunt of the work in your romance for it to work out in your best interest.  Unless you really don't care what your contribution is and just want high faluting emotional porn. By all means, toss away for a higher absolute "romantic" score.

A man who makes you feel insecure is trying to be in your league but will never be

By Karen Song

If I were a man who didn't naturally "have much game" and I were interested in acquiring a hot woman, these are the options I would consider:

1) Become super rich.
2) Ingratiate myself and manipulate her into thinking she needs me so that I become indispensable. This could be achieved by fixing her electronics, getting her hired at a job, and encouraging general co-dependency.
3) Be a jerk and insult her so that she thinks I'm hot stuff

As you can see, the easiest way for a man to snag a woman out of his league is to make her feel insecure and jerk her around with her own feelings (whether it be by making her feel like she needs him or knocking her down enough to feel like she needs him). Every woman seems to have latent insecurity from centuries of oppression, period induced moodiness, and photo-shopped garbage:

So men will often try to manipulate these feelings if they are below your league. From a logical standpoint, making someone feel insecure is a very easy task. If you were to walk up to any stranger on the street and tell him that he's fat, I'm sure he'd go home, check himself out in the mirror, and resolve to work out. A man on a mission to make you feel insecure will probably succeed if he intends to and you let him.

It is important to recognize when this happens to avoid drama and other unnecessary problems and snag a man who is actually in your league. A small man who normally doesn't have power and is on a power trip is pretty much the worst case scenario. It's like wasting your precious time and emotional energy unpacking your interactions with the office bitch, who doesn't have anything else in life going for her but being a bitch. Life is short and ridden with plenty of opportunities to feel bad about yourself. So don't waste your time. You deserve to live life at your best with the best man you can snag. Not with someone beneath you whose best chance at success with you is achieved by making you feel small.

If you don't believe me, just visit David De'Angelo and his pick up artist tricks to confirm that this is an actual technique: http://www.doubleyourdating.com/  I once had a loser ping me repeatedly over the course of a year to give me "life advice" and accuse me of being a psychopathic basket case with Aspergers syndrome after I met him twice (I'm not even kidding on this one). Once it became clear that seemingly harmless social media desperation was turning into something malicious, I de-friended him immediately. Recognize this when it happens.

The tendency for men to project their own insecurity onto their unwitting victims (their female "projects") is unfortunately a common occurrence. There is even a term for the idealized, crazy female who under normal circumstances would be out of a man's league: The Manic Pixie Dream Girl. A beautiful woman like Audrey Hepburn in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" or Natalie Portman in "Garden State" suddenly becomes accessible to a man below her league because of her manic, crazy tendencies.

A man who makes you feel insecure is trying be in your league but will never be. So be your fabulous self and establish some boundaries. Snag someone with self-confidence who matches your level of awesomeness. End of story.

The Alpha Male Versus the Alpha Female

By Karen Song


If you want to think like a man, don't read Steve Harvey's book - just pick up an issue of Men's Health the next time you are reaching for People in the airport. To win the game, you must be well-versed in the mind of your opponent and Men's Health is the single most enlightening piece of literature you'll ever read about snagging a man (well, after my blog). Here is a sample from my plane ride to San Diego this past weekend:

As you can see, the alpha male is someone who commands power and presence. He is self-confident and projects strength. The level of respect a man has for someone is closely tied to the recipient's strength of character. Strength does not necessarily mean brute physical strength, but could mean spiritual fortitude, mastery of a particular domain or skill set, or the guts to pursue dreams and passions. Since men are evolutionarily drawn to exploration, conquering new lands, and flexing their muscles (either through wrestling or vicariously fighting opponents in video games), they respect people who demonstrate strength. Men rarely initiate or sustain friendships with men they don't respect. And I suspect the way they evaluate other men could be applied to their evaluation of women.

Unfortunately, women often project weakness in order to feel desired and accepted. The ditzy voice and damsel in distress act, the constant projection of insecurity and venting about self-created problems, seems to enthrall and impress across multiple cultures and generations (hence our fascination with shows like "The Hills"). If we aren't careful, it is easy for women to get lost in the complexity of our biology and the complexity of how we relate to human beings around us. To feel connectedness with our girl friends, we self-deprecate and emote self created problems. To gain respect from our girl friends, we hide our problems and project "having it all." To feel connectedness with co-workers, we avoid becoming too strident with our opinions and projecting brazen self confidence. To gain respect at work and get ahead, we project the opposite and embrace the character of "bitch." I attribute this complexity to schizophrenic societal expectations and irrational fear and jealousy of the truly put together woman. In fact, it isn't even clear to me who the alpha female actually is.  While the strongest alpha male in a group tends to be admired by bros and females alike, the alpha female in a group (either the hottest one, who usually becomes the subject of intense jealousy and gossip, or the domineering, unattractive one, who incurs resentment over time) is simultaneously admired and hated.

The alpha female, if there is such a thing, is typically the subject of gossip, attention, and general nitpicking. We must throw darts at Britney Spears until she truly has mental problems and we must label Michelle Obama an angry looking woman because they dared to even approach "perfect." While the road to alpha maleness is pretty straightforward, the alpha female constantly needs to esconce her strength in weakness to avoid being the subject of negative attention. It seems we must embody weakness in order to be societally accepted while projecting strength in order to be societally respected.

For some reason, this complexity has been internalized and woven into the general discourse about how women should act in relationships and what is perceived to be attractive. Women feel they must project weakness in order to feel desired. But to ultimately get respect from a man, you must project strength and self confidence. Respect is earned with men: hard to win and easy to lose. Unlike women, who tend to value emotional connectedness over respect in their friendships, males ultimately value respect, and consequently must respect a woman in order to be in a long term relationship. They will love and respect a woman with passion and purpose, not a woman who wallows in self-deprecation or weakness. In fact, studies show that complaining too much will ultimately detract from your attractiveness and your relationship: http://www.1lovespirit.com/kara_oh_18.html

Men are logical creatures. The more self-confidence you have, the less they have to deal with.
Your partner's respect and assessment of your long-term relationship potential is ultimately tied to his assessment of your strength. So keep it simple and embrace your inner alpha female as it should be ideally expressed.

Let's Get Hot and Steamy with Great Expectations

By Karen Song


 When I was younger, I downloaded the soundtrack to the movie "Great Expectations" and dreamt of being the wistful, gorgeous, and leggy, Gwyneth Paltrow. I thought the movie was steamy and hot. And who hasn't dreamt of being Ethan Hawke's obsession? (check out this emotional porn building montage and fast forward to 2:21 for the part you want):

The problem with this picture is that Ethan Hawke had some serious mental problems. After a childhood of being abused and taught to make Gwen his obsession, he followed her to New York, had sex with her even though she was engaged to be married, and made it his sole mission in life to impress her by pretending to be a famous, wealthy, person. Even when the convict that he rescued in childhood became his mysterious benefactor and bought all of his paintings, which led to Ethan becoming a real "success" because of good press and connections, he was willing to toss all of that away for a passionate kiss with Gwyneth in the rain. That wasn't true love. That was just sick.

While emotional porn makes for a good movie, it does not translate to health and wellness. If John Cusack is standing outside of your window with a boombox please call the cops:

 

If Tom Cruise says to you "I love you, you complete me" please run as fast as you can. No one should complete anyone. And if it is literally Tom Cruise, then for obvious reasons:

 

 

If Leonardo DiCaprio falls hard for you after a few days on an ill-fated ship and he wants to simulate flying, I'm sorry, but it's time to let Jack go:

 

 



 

Ethan Hawke should have ditched the bitch when he had the chance. Responding any differently signifies mental illness. The truth is, great expectations don't translate to relationship health or a man who is well balanced. You will never snag a man who is sensitive, desperate, and good looking (let's be honest). And a true man has self respect. He would never indulge your emotional porn or tell you to stand on the bow of a ship.

 

Let me break this down for a generation enthralled with cheesy cinema. If a man falls this quickly and deeply in love with you, he is not really obsessed with you, he is obsessed with the idea of being in love with you. You become easily interchangeable with Gwenyth Paltrow, Kate Winslet (or any other girl, really) because the emotion is not really about you, but about what he is feeling. In the beginning it's okay and I'm sure a lot of relationships start out that way; but ultimately, a man should never give up his livelihood, demand that you complete him, or stand outside of your room with a boombox if he has better things to do. Infatuation (addictive attachment) and true love (which is nurtured and blossoms over a long period of time) needs to be distinguished if you desire a mutually loving, happy, and healthy relationship.

 

If you want a real man, you must keep your great expectations in check. Or you could get hot and steamy with some bedside emotional porn for a healthy lonely existence. Your choice, but please distinguish one from the other.

In Case You Didn't Get the Memo: Make Him Happy

It seems obvious, but I'm surprised by how many women didn't get the memo. If all of the effort spent on plastic surgery, fake tans, acquiring expensive hand bags, and catfighting were simply redirected, I'm convinced the world would be a better place (although I'd hate to give up my "Real Desperate Housewives" fix like everybody else). Remember: how much shit your man puts up with must be proportional to the amount of happiness you deliver.



As I've mentioned before, guys are simple, logical creatures. They measure their level of satisfaction with the relationship by the amount of time they spend being happy. In fact, they will actually project positive characteristics onto you with time well spent (whether it's surfing or taking a walk in the park, the more shared happy memories you create the better). Even if these activities could be done just as easily with a pet, the man will not be able to distinguish his happiness from affection. Building happy memories together and replicating this happiness over and over again in the relationship is what a woman should be investing in. If there's one take away point you should emblazon into memory from this blog, it is this one.

You could be the hottest person on the planet but if the majority of the relationship is spent in dire unhappiness and shouting matches, jealousy, and hormonal craziness, the hotness is no longer relevant. I know it's hard ladies, but try to save the crazy for your girl friends, who are better equipped to handle it. This includes dramatic venting and exaggeration of your every day problems, once a month period rage, and excessive nagging (men absolutely hate this). Once the amount of shit you give him begins to outweigh the amount of happiness he feels with you or for you, you are on shaky ground. Conversely, if a man spends most of the time being happy with you, you have plenty of wiggle room (trust me).

The good news is, it doesn't take much to make a man happy. Here is a list of surefire ways that could be universally applied (regardless of race or nationality):

1) Watch Family Guy with him. Even if you can't stand it. Just do it.
2) Smile. Run your hands through your hair and flip it. Men love this.
3) Laugh at his jokes. Laugh often. The goofier you are the better.
4) Be cute.
5) Do nice things for him once in a while (it doesn't have to be a grand gesture, if he loves you he's floored by anything). Examples: massaging his forehead while he's dozing off in your lap, cooking his favorite spaghetti dish, getting tickets for a show, etc.
6) Stop complaining.
7) The obvious.

Remember, a man will measure how smitten he is with you by how much of the time he spends being happy with you.

"Girl's Night Out" Does Not Help You Snag a Man

Every woman squeals over doing this type of thing. Like dressing up for Halloween, a "Girl's Night Out" is the perfect avenue for showcasing your assets. There's strength in numbers and posting vain self-portraits on Instagram are a little too obvious. Major brownie points are earned in girl world for posing sexily in a hot, pink dress with ten other women at a Las Vegas bachelorette. This is not the case if you decide to take a slew of self-portraits in the mirror from your bedroom.



On weekends I usually see this type of Facebook post:  "I'm so excited for girl's night out with the ladies, XOXO!"

This type of text message: "OMG, can't wait to look hot with you lady! Let's dance! TTYL!"

Or a series of bisexual Instagram shots with the caption: "Keeping it real! I love my bestie!"

I am somewhat floored by the amount of effort that goes into a production like this and have several theories about why it happens. It is a well known fact that girls in a group seem hotter than any of them would be individually. The female collective distracts from an individual's shortcomings and characteristics in what is commonly known as "The Cheerleader Effect," and I'm sure a scantily clad group merely augments this effect for men.  For a visual demonstration of what I'm talking about, check out this "How I Met Your Mother" video clip (trust me, it's good.. Alyson Hannigan, who was referenced as the quintessential dude's hottie in my "Stop Reading Cosmo" post: http://howtosnagaman.blogspot.com/2012/08/stop-reading-cosmo-bar-is-low.html, is actually in it):

Girls are inherently vain and wish to be ogled at (even though they don't really care to dance or meet someone at a club). While this whole facade plays nicely into a girl's emotional pornography and the vision of being glamorous (just like those ladies from Sex and the City!), it's not really effective in snagging a man.

First of all, what kind of rational man wants to "break the set" with seven catty women? The whole interaction will inevitably be dissected, reviewed, and gossiped about since nitpicking on the "strange man" is the perfect way for the ladies to bond. In addition, the male often has to deal with variables like the heavy-set jealous friend or the gate-keeping male friend the ladies have dragged along. The man probably would (and should) run for the hills on this one.

Secondly, all ladies should examine their honest intentions here. Are you really going to the club to find true love or to actualize your emotional pornography and the Sex and the City vision? Chances are, you probably won't find the man of your dreams from a sea of drunken men who come there with the intention to ogle, but maybe that's what you really want. When you go out for "Girl's Night Out," it's just a given that you don't want to be caught grinding with some strange man or incur the censure of your girl mob. So admit your true intention (be it vanity or something else) and discern that from your desire to succeed. Too many times, I have seen women invest hours, maybe days, into looking sexually desirable for the big moment, only to become incredibly depressed, despondent, and disappointed when the colossal amounts of effort don't translate to actual guy success. This behavior is irrational to me and doesn't make any sense.

If you are going to make "Girl's Night Out" work for you in snagging a man, I would suggest trading in your female loyalty for true opportunity by breaking off from the set. Since I'm generally excluded from bi-sexual antics or grow tired of the girl clique over the course of the evening, I usually wander into a nice surgeon or engineer on my way to the bar (whom I then try to foist onto one of my girl friends).

"Girl's Night Out" does not help you snag a man.

Move to Silicon Valley: Law of Supply and Demand

If there's anything I've learned from living in Silicon Valley, it's that scarcity increases perceived attractiveness. In Silicon Valley the ratio of guys to girls is 2:1 and the dearth of women (with the exception of San Francisco) is so pronounced that San Jose is even called "Man Jose." Men are generally intelligent, conscientious, and successful (albeit odd) and will assess your attractiveness rather highly. Just moving here alone will significantly increase your chances of snagging a man and a successful, doting husband. Men will literally apply the enthusiasm they apply to their start-ups and day jobs at Facebook and Google to snagging and keeping you. It's really kind of cute.

In addition to increased options and new-found popularity, moving here will do worlds for a girl's confidence and social life. Your perceived attractiveness bumps up  several levels instantly-->the overwhelmingly positive treatment and attention you receive becomes internalized and baked into a sunny outlook on the world-->men respond to your glow-->cycle repeats. Human beings are so susceptible to public opinion that once you have been chatted about within a dude's inner circle, your socially perceived hotness level magnifies ten fold (Since dudes will find you attractive when they decide that other dudes find you attractive). Just avoid San Francisco where all the pretty girls live. In fact, avoid moving to areas with lots of pretty girls in general. Here's a map to better illustrate the law of supply and demand.

I can't tell you how many women have complained to me about the douche factor in Los Angeles and New York. The gender ratio seems to be reversed in these regions and the ladies have way too many sordid stories to tell of heartbreak, abuse, cheating, and general misfortune in love.  As a woman living in Silicon Valley I have to use my imagination to conjure up such an existence. In the Valley, I bet any woman in the "Sex and the City" series could go on Match.com and quickly find an MIT or Stanford graduate who treats them well enough  (but that would be far less glamorous).

Los Angeles, the dude's version of Silicon Valley (heh, Silicone Valley), is just about the worst deal a woman can get. There are a plethora of attractive women who enhance themselves with implants and octane voices. Competition is so fierce that women have actually honed their hotness factor down to a science. All of this effort goes into attracting less intelligent, less conscientious, and on the whole, douchier men than you would find up in the Bay Area.

If you still don't believe that scarcity increases perceived attractiveness and induces better treatment from men, please visit the following New York Times article about how "For Many Chinese Bachelors, No Deed Means No Dates" (the smug girl riding on the back of the dude's bicycle is a great representation): http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/15/world/asia/15bachelors.html?pagewanted=all
It appears that Chinese bias for male babies due to the one child policy has created a gender gap of over 32 million and "an imminent generation of excess men:" http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/11/world/asia/11china.htmlhttp://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/11/world/asia/11china.html

Marketplace dynamics apply to poaching the opposite sex. So go where the supply is low and demand is high. Move to Silicon Valley. Or Silicone Valley if you are a dude.

Why a Woman Should Be Doing the Whipping: Explanation of Why Imbalance of Power is Absolutely Necessary

Do Men need to be "whipped?"  Is an imbalance of power ideal?  Karen and The Fashionable Geek weigh in!

Karen Song

Based on the responses I got to my last post, it is very clear to me that the universe would deteriorate into supreme bastardization if men were to completely run the world.

Exhibit A: "here it is plain and *#%&ing simple, WOMEN; put out and give it up. and furthermore, maybe even ACT like enjoy it. and if you really wanna go the extra mile... you gotta go downtown."

In a hunter-gatherer society, women did their fair share of tempering men from squandering essential resources, starting tribal wars, and spreading too much seed. We offer a collaborative perspective, produce and invest in babies (the future world), and are financially responsible and resourceful beings who probably keep our planet from imploding into genocide and world wars. Stern mamas and scary wives everywhere do their part in preventing the world from becoming a horrible place. Don't get me wrong, I love men (refer to post number 1) and I'm fairly certain I'd be ousted, scapegoated, and stoned by menstruating females in a world entirely devoid of y chromosomes. But the man must always be whipped for peace to prevail.   

The corollary is that an imbalance of power in relationships is absolutely necessary for balance and harmony to be preserved in the universe. For some women, this imbalance of power could be achieved by being a bitch and frankly men seem to like it (e.g. men seem to receive biologically wired delight from literal whipping and face-slapping). For unattractive women who don't have anything else, this might even be the only option.

But let's take a more rational approach. In a relationship, one person always likes the other person a little bit more (or maybe even a lot more, in which case, the relationship tends to survive). That's just the way it is. There is no such thing as a couple where both people like each other equally and if that's the case, the guy will start to roam as he acquires more money. A guy is always seeking to poach someone "out of his league" because guys like to "win" and showing you off is like showing off his latest car. The porsche garners envy, allows him to peacock, and makes him feel good about himself. It goes back to my bastardization theory. 

 Fortunately, it is very easy to transform bastardization into good so long as you are disinterested.  If the man likes you more than you like him, you have won. You can whip him and he will like it. He will shine you up like he shines up his car. He will even be "your friend." This is the only option. The minute you like him more than you like him it's over. 

Imbalance of power is absolutely necessary for maintaining a healthy relationship and a healthy universe.
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The Fashionable Geek

Karen and I have been messaging back and forth a lot as we continue to tweak the layout of the site, and so in the interest of fairness, even Karen admitted this post was “a bit inflammatory.”

So that being said, I wanted to take this opportunity to discuss power dynamics in relationships.

There are two types of power displacements that can occur in a relationship- natural and unnatural. Natural power dynamics are a result of the universal ebbs and flows of life. The truth is it every moment in our existence contains power struggles, big or small. Some are internalized: Karen mentioned in a previous post the choice between ordering fries or a salad. This is a power struggle between our taste buds and our body image. Others are more externalized: do I pick up that extra shift, or go relax on the beach?

At all times we are forced to make choices and compromise- we don't have the time or resources to have all our needs met. As we meet one need, it lessens; in turn the other grows.

We've all had friends who seemed to disappear after starting a new relationship. Nod if this sounds familiar, “Ever since Joe started dated Sue we never see him anymore!”

I was always the guy telling my friends to relax, because Joe was just excited about his new relationship, that things will calm down after a while, and he'll be back. In this case, Joe's need for romantic companionship and intimacy was not being met, while his need for non-romantic intimacy was. Now that he was getting what he was missing, he was grabbing onto it for dear life. Joe's been hungry, he's eating.

So let him eat until he feels full. I'd remind my friends that, yes, when one of us starts a new relationship, we all will do and have done the same thing. Sure enough, one of the ones complaining about Joe would be the next “jerk” to disappear.

I've mentioned before how even when partners needs match up, the intensity of the need isn't always the same. This applies to the relationship itself- the intensity of our involvement moves in cycles as we deal with the millions of other competing factors.

What this means is dynamics constantly change, even in the healthiest of relationships. The “less interested” party can become the “more interested” party will little to no notice.

Have you ever had a female friend start dating a guy who was head or heels for her, while she explains she's not as into him? How often does the woman find herself in a reversed scenario three months later, where her new guy wants more time with his buddies, and she's now trying to get the attention of a guy she almost wrote off?

This happens because men fall in love faster than women.

So how do you handle a natural power struggle? Most of the time, it's really simple- DON'T. Let your partner address his or her own needs and they'll likely readjust over time.

By this point, my girlfriend has just accepted that anytime a product comes out that lets me pretend I'm Batman she's going to get less of my attention for the next few weeks. If she leaves me alone to my devices I'll eventually max out on what I'm doing and come to my senses.

  "Okay, so I finally got the Crissaegrim.  Now I just need the Eye of Drac...
wait, who gives a damn?  BOOBS!"

Let's look at the other scenario. If my girlfriend where to constantly berate me, and make me feel guilty for indulging my hobby? The result is twofold: I'd resent her for not being understanding, and anytime I did spend to myself I'd feel guilty and shamed- and that means my needs are not being met. If my needs are not being met I'm going to address that by spending more time with my hobby.

"This would have never happened
if I listened to her and 'showered.'  SO WORTH IT!"

Now, some of you may be thinking, “I see your point, but video games are stupid and a waste of time.” My first answer to that is no on both accounts, my second, more important answer, is it doesn't matter. I chose this example on purpose, to make the point you need to support your partner regardless of his or her interest. It's easier to understand a universal conflict- that your girlfriend may want to have a girls night out instead of staying home cuddling with you. It's harder, but just important, to be supportive when you don't understand the importance of something.

So when my girlfriend recently explained to me that my cable bill would be tripling because “reality TV is played on a lot of the cable channels,” I relented.

"Thanks fo' yo' cash, SUCKA!"

If you really want to engage your partner during these times, find something quiet (the quiet part is important) and sit next to him or her.  Who knows, you might even start to see the appeal.

"I thought he'd NEVER leave!"

There's one other type of natural power displacement, and it's actually a very healthy scenario- when two people are able to recognize each others personal strengths and weaknesses, and step back and allow a partner to “lead” when appropriate. In this case, the difference in power is an agreement, be it implicit or explicit, that the relationship is a team. I tend to think things more thoroughly with day to day decisions; what we're going to eat and how much it's going to cost us, should we stock up on Diet Pepsi while it's on sale, how many channels do we really need, etc.

My girlfriend is better with anything that requires long term organization- moving, vacation planning, home decorating.

So, mostly, we defer to each other when appropriate. The important aspect of this is “defer,” not “control.” You have to be okay with the idea that sometimes your partner will want more input. So even though I decided how many channels our cable box has- wait, no, she totally won that one. See what I mean?

"You so whipped, Bro!  LOLZ"

Then there's unnatural power dynamics. Allow me to quote Karen's explanation what what she perceives men think about women:

“put out and give it up. and furthermore, maybe even ACT like enjoy it. and if you really wanna go the extra mile... you gotta go downtown.”

This is an unhealthy imbalance of power; there's a master-slave dynamic. The woman either “puts out” or loses the relationship.

When I was twenty-four, I dated a twenty-year old alcoholic who one night demanded I buy her booze or she was “going to get wasted with the frat guys.” (Note: we broke up a couple days later).

In both cases the message is clear- do what I (master) say or you (slave) will suffer grave consequences.

There are two scenarios where this most often occurs. You may be dating an abusive personality type. If that's the case, get out, just GET OUT. Now.

The second scenario is a once healthy relationship where a healthy imbalance of power wasn't addressed appropriately.

Maybe your significant other is still playing Batman eight hours a day four months later? (Too long)

Or maybe he's discussed the lack of sex in the relationship, but to no avail? (Again, my previous blog post where I talk about compromising when need intensities differ).

In these scenarios, that “losing” partner may just decide that he or she has had enough, and decides to take a hard stance on the situation. In other words, “we are beyond compromise.”

When this happens you and your partner need to sit down and talk immediately. Communication is key to figure out how the two of you ended up in this scenario, and to discuss realistic arrangements that could meet both your needs.

Generally, couples often fear and avoid these conversations because they feel an agreement may be impossible, and the relationship will end.

The truth is- an agreement MAY be impossible, and yes, this conversation may end the relationship.

If that's the case, the relationship was doomed, and the sooner it ends, the best for everyone involved.

We think of abusive relationships as something that happens with abusive people.

It's completely possible for two otherwise healthy of mind adults to find themselves in an abusive relationship.

This occurs when communication and compromise become impossible. The advice is the same, get out, GET WAY OUT.

It comes down to this; power dynamics are complicated. You are not going to get everything you want. Being the person on “top” doesn't put you in a better position. Be encouraging of your partner's fluctuating needs, and find a person that's understanding of yours. That's power with responsibility. He (or she) will love you for it.

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Hey reader!  Have a question you'd like Karen and The Fashionable Geek to tackle.  Well just e-mail KarenPlusGeekQA@gmail.com.

All questions are completely anonymous, but if want to include your age and gender it will help us tailor our response to you!

If a guy is talking to you, he is into you (or wants to be)

Unlike most women in the universe, guys generally don't make conversation out of pity. If they are not interested in a lady, they usually make a beeline for her cute friend and ignore her completely.
It's not in their nature to be friendly, nice, or super engaging in conversation like most women feel pressured to be with everybody (oh how I envy dudes for this very reason). In fact, I don't even think they care that much about feelings; they care about getting things done. If talking to you gets them closer to their goal, they will indeed do so. Otherwise, they really don't give a shit.

I think every woman secretly knows this but also enjoys playing the denial game in order to acquire "more friends" or simply abate their boredom at work. Women love it when people listen to to them talk and latch on quickly when they find a willing and very eager ear to gab to. This surface level denial seems to cloud rational judgment and understanding of the true state of things. Even if the man has a wife, long-term girlfriend, long-term partnership, whatever it is-- if he is initiating conversation with you on a regular basis and consistently entering your stratosphere, chances are that there is at least a small portion of his bastardly self that desires to bed you. This may sound vulgar, maybe even shocking, but I think just about every male on the planet does this. For a very viral representation of what I'm talking about, please visit this video about why guys and girls can't be friends:

So now that you know the truth and you admit it, how do you respond?
If said dude is unattached and someone you are potentially interested in, you could respond in one of two ways to be effective (time-tested methods that drive men crazy):

1) Be aggressively flirtacious back
2) Be passively naive and continue to project "unawareness"

Depending on your personality, choose the style that works for you. Since I am shy and dorky, I find that playing the innocence card works quite nicely.  This tends to attract aggresssive men who want to protect me. On the other spectrum, there are men out there who really appreciate someone with sass and attitude. So break out the touchy feely and flirt back shamelessly if that is the way you are wired.

If a guy is talking to you, he is into you (or wants to be). End of story.

Stop Reading Cosmo, the Bar is Low

It's no secret that women do the whole she-bang: make-up, heels, handbag, hair etc. in order to impress other women. Magazines like Cosmo do a great job of plaguing on our insecurities so that we end up impressing our girl friends and gay friends more than our actual men (who think we are adorable freshly showered and secretly wish we'd stop with all the powder and lip gloss so that they can actually kiss us and hug us in our sweats and jammies). Don't get me wrong- men also like women who can surprise them and turn them on in the Cosmo fashion (in which case you slut it up once in a while with a short skirt and high heels) but it's not necessary to be this way all the time. It's nice to be cute then surprise them with the sexy (this drives men crazy).

The last thing a man wants is a high-maintenance woman. And you really only have to meet a certain bar of attractiveness in order for a man to be sold. Unlike women, who readily nitpick and stratify men (and women I might add) against each other in some form of strange optimization ladder, men only require that you pass their bar. Once you pass the bar, it doesn't matter how many gradations you are below Jessica Alba. You've met the bar. Now just make sure you shower, smell nice, wear clean clothes, and don't give them too much trouble.

I've inserted a graph to better illustrate this point:

I can't tell you how many guys I know crush on and are obsessed with Alyson Hannigan. She is the quintessential goofball, dork, and girl next door who can also turn on the sexy when required. Most guys would probably also prefer to date her over Jessica Alba because she already meets the bar while remaining accessible at the same time. Guys are generally practical, simple beings. Quote verbatim from a dude I broached about the subject, "You ideally want to date someone perhaps one level before hot or super hot." Once you are past the lightening bolt on this graph you are already in a guy's zone of bliss. You're in the clear already. So spend less time obsessing about your pores, nails, and hair and more time just being a cool person. He will love you even more.

If you insist on putting in some effort I suggest you avoid Cosmo and simply do one of the following looks (ideally in rotation to keep him on his toes):
a) Don a pair of nerdy librarian glasses and get stern
b) Dress up in a Halloween costume
c) Go "dancing with your girl friends" so you can wear a form fitting dress and a pair of high heels
d) Wear business casual (which you should be doing already if you work outside of Silicon Valley)
e) Veg out in your cute college sweatshirt and fuzzy yet fashionably girly sweatpants

Stop reading Cosmo, the bar is low.

Ladder theory and why it takes 2 seconds for a guy..

Karen and The Fashionable Geek weigh in on how long it takes a guy to decide if he's into you!

Karen Song

With women, it is possible for guys to win us over through rote force of will. Listen to us whine and "be there" for us for 2+ years and we'll eventually consider you a prospect. In fact, the higher you are up on the friendship ladder (the more shared experiences you've had, the more cookies you've baked, etc. etc.) the greater your chances of success and avoiding the chasm when leaping over to the other ladder since there are more rungs for you to catch (the hypotenuse of the triangle doesn't really work in your favor if you are closer to the abyss).

For your reference: http://www.laddertheory.com/ladderconsequences.htm



Not so with men. I believe men decide within 2 seconds of meeting you whether they are into you or not. They generally make the decision and stick with it. In large part because they are visually oriented bastards but also because they tend to be decisive and analyze their instincts less. For instance, every time I go out to eat with my boyfriend he scans the menu quickly, decides he wants something like a juicy, bodacious hamburger within seconds, then gets it and eats it. I tend to analyze every option on the menu, argue over whether I want salad or fries, then mooch off of him and give him my plate instead. He doesn't verbalize or dwell over his thinking process. And he is generally so spot-on with his taste that I just mooch off of him every time.

Once a guy has made his decision, he has made his decision. He probably can't write a novel about his feelings (although some guys probably go on to do so) or pin point exactly what it is about you that drives him crazy. I don't think these feelings arise simply because of your hotness (since there are so many flavors of hotness and guys seem to have very unique preferences)... it seems to be a constellation of things about your overall being and what gets projected that plays into the overall image that he swoons over (e.g. Jennifer Aniston "flirty, girl next door type," Tina Fey "witty, librarian type," Angelina "emotional, exotic" type, etc.). When presented with prospects, the man usually decides quickly and instinctively.




If a guy is into you, he will actually find  things to have in common with you. He will try listening to your music, he will take up your interests and claim you're "interesting" because you are different. He will force the fit by all means necessary.

Conversely, if a guy is not that into you, you could win a noble peace prize or run for president and he still won't be into you.

Unfortunately in life the people you try to impress will never be impressed and the people you don't have to impress are impressed already. It takes 2 seconds for a guy to decide whether he is into you or not. If he's into you, there will be noticeable pupil dilation, invasion of your personal space, flustered awkwardness and blushing, and obvious repeated attempts to see you. Even when he tries to hide his fervor (e.g. carefully planned call several days later, casual, cool conversation etc. etc.) YOU WILL KNOW.  Contrary to popular belief, it is nearly impossible for a guy to mask when he's into you.

So if he isn't, move on!
.....................................

The Fashionable Geek

As a former male dating consultant you touched upon the two areas that happened to be my specialties- ladder theory and "takeaway" theory- which states men value decisions and women value options.

Let's start with ladder theory. You assume that men decide if they are interested in a woman "in two seconds." This is only partially true.

An initial binary response of "cute enough" or "not cute enough" does in fact occur. Yes, that takes about two seconds. Yes, it's because men are visible creatures. This is evolution folks, and women do it too. In fact, in most situations, women are pickier.

One Night Stands: Are Women Pickier than Men?

Once a woman has passed that first test, she not automatically IN. The 2 seconds is not a decision making phase, just a weeding out processes.

Here's the first place where men and women start to diverge. If as a woman you're looking at the top link and thinking back to every time you either had or considered sex with an average or less than average looking guy, it's because, as Karen mentioned, our ladder system is different. It's different because women like "options", even at times when the option doesn't seem all that appealing.

Let's go back to Karen's example above. Imagine this: You're trying to decide between fries and salad, when the waiter casually mentions "We are all out of salad tonight." How do you feel?

Any men reading this probably are shrugging and thinking, "I'd get me some fries!" The women are probably thinking, "But I wanted a salad!"

Before you get the pitchforks out, don't take my word on this:

Do Women Like Options More Than Men?

Men are more decisive, Women are More Open Minded.

So let's get back to our ladder. We've had two seconds with someone, what happens?

For Men, we've decided either you're on the ladder, or you're off the ladder. If you're off the ladder- Game Over. We're done. Move on.

Women are more likely to place an average or below average guy on the bottom of the ladder. Yeah, he's there- but he's hanging on with just a single hand and it's tipping. It's up to him to climb up.

"But Angel," you may be thinking, "You said women are pickier. You are a mess of contradictions. A beautiful mess, but a mess all the same."

Nope. See, the rub of it is, our ladder is much shorter than yours. It doesn't take us two seconds, but it does take us only about twenty minutes to decide on your original placement.

Let me be clear- You can still fall off and we CAN lose interest. But, let's assume for simplicity sake that the man in this equation is interested in only casual sex (there's a formula going on in our head ladies, and the weight of different action changes depending on what we're looking for). In this scenario, the requirement to reach the top is pretty much "Don't be a pain." It doesn't matter where on the ladder you are- this is really our only requirement at this point. Once you're on our radar- even if only for a fling- the sort-of-cute girl who can name three writers of "Batman" comics still has a better shot than the super-hot model who spends twenty minutes explaining we should "ditch your friend, because he's an idiot."

Simply put, looks matter, but not as much as you think they do.

Okay, so what do the women want? It took years of training, reading, and experimentation for me to answer this question, and used to take months just to get my clients in a place where they started to get a grasp on this- so needless to say, this blog post isn't really going to answer that question thoroughly.

On the basic level, though, women want options. One of the quickest ways a guy can climb your ladder is removing himself as an option. That theory that if you ignore a girl she'll come around. It's sort of true.

Now, I already know most of the women reading this are thinking, "No it's not. That would just piss me off. It would never work on me."

Well, lady readers of this blog, you'll say that a lot. Every woman says that to me when I try to explain how to get a woman's interest. Yet the things I did when I was single worked. They worked ALL THE TIME. But alas, things aren't so simple.

The summary never does what takes months and years to learn justice. But yes, you are right, a guy who just suddenly ignores you when you say not interested is a manipulative jerk and you should stop talking to him. That won't work. (Note: Actually, sometimes it does, but not with women you want to get involved with. Another post, possibly).

For men don't try this unless you know what you're doing, but if you insist, here's a hint: it requires listening to a woman, picking up on her cues telling you where you fit on her ladder, and then acting exactly in the way she told you she wanted to act. You're not removing attention, just giving her a different type of it.

And you know what, listening to what someone says to you and acting accordingly is NOT manipulative.

As for ladder jumping- well, for men, there's usually no need. Our ladder is designed for convenience- to help you climb. If you made it on, then you, as the woman, have already decided where YOU want to be (unless you are, in fact, a pain). No jumping required.

Can men jump? Yes, they can. But it requires a whole mess of changes in our behavior. There's a reason your on the friend ladder buddy- you're acting like her friend. You're acting like JUST her friend. If you want to jump, you have to figure out how to act like her SEXY friend.

How? Again, that's another blog post.

But Karen's advice at the end here is spot on. If a guys not interested, move on. And if a girls not interested? Move on!

Male or female, you've got better things to do with your time than chase someone who doesn't want to to be involved with you. There are others. Have some self respect.

What if you can't tell if he/she is interested?

Takes some time, put yourself out there, get some experience, don't be afraid to fail- and LEARN how to tell.

If you can't be bothered to take the time to properly learn a skill, that's on you. It's not his fault, or hers.
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Hey reader!  Have a question you'd like Karen and The Fashionable Geek to tackle.  Well just e-mail KarenPlusGeekQA@gmail.com.

All questions are completely anonymous, but if want to include your age and gender it will help us tailor our response to you!