Love versus Lust

Hollywood would have us believe that hot, passionate, lust is what love is primarily comprised of. You meet "the one" and it's "love at first sight" for the doe-eyed blonde and the spicy Spanish couple.

Teenagers in heat peel the clothes off of each other in the back seat of cars on hot summer nights. Singles clamor into the club in high heeled shoes and short skirts, and it's on. The feeing of lust, is such a high, emotional rush that floods the senses with dopamine, pleasure, excitement, and longing. That first brush against someone's hand, the minutes counted down until the next text message, the locked eyes and stolen embraces, all contribute to a chemical web of hormones, social intricacies, and intimacies.

Lust is an obsessive longing for one person/one set of persons that is more grounded in the self and the feelings of infatuation that consume the self,  than in sincere care or concern for the other.  While lust is a very important and pleasurable part of the human experience, lust should not be confused for love. Lust may trigger feelings of love down the line, but it is ultimately temporary and selfish- merely nature's biological way of getting us to reproduce.

Love on the other hand, is a commitment and decision. Love is about putting someone else's needs before your own, through repetitive daily thoughtfulness and consideration. It is generally borne out of mutual respect and care. Unbeknownst to most women, who tend to funnel most of their efforts into looking hot and attach great value to their outward appearance, male attachment from a long-term perspective generally hinges upon the level of respect they have for the woman. Being pretty helps a little- but may not be a sufficient condition for conversion to long-standing love and commitment.

Men may have different parameters for what constitutes a respectable woman. For many, strength of character, financial independence, self-esteem and confidence, emotional maturity and stability, and intelligence factor strongly into their decision to commit and love. That x-factor that beguiles us all - the "chemistry" - is just a feeing, a strong biological feeling intended to jump-start the process. When left unchecked or confused for love, it clouds good judgment and erodes one's sense of self and hold on reality.

So the next time you make excuses for a man who hasn't texted, called, or planned your date because of that magical kiss or embrace remember the distinction between lust and love. Think in terms of metrics- if there is no conversion (no meaningful indicators for care or concern) you know you aren't the one. Cut, stop wasting time, and move on to someone who respects and cherishes you for who you are.

Making the Cut

Let's be honest, over-reaching is one of the basic building blocks of human civilization. Countless people have died building architectural wonders like the Pyramids and the Hoover Dam. I will never forget the day when my own parents took me to the Great Wall in China and essentially communicated that we were standing atop a graveyard of bodies roiled into the brick, stone, and earth beneath our feet. I was nine years old and couldn't sleep for several nights.

The point is, while over-reaching is noble and good for the advancement of our species, it is also mal-adaptive and stupid. In the area of romance, I implore you to take it easy. Although males are occasionally able to seal the deal when they accumulate wealth and status (and even then, it's tenuous), women are rarely able to over-reach successfully without encountering some measure of heart-ache, pain, or neglect. Life isn't fair. Men are shallow, visual creatures. And they make decisions quickly, with firm tiers set in place for who makes the cut and for what kind of relationship. If you don't make the audition, let it go. Trying harder won't make it better. The best you can hope for is a one night stand (or reverberations of one for as long as he needs to plug the gap between sexual conquests). Even if you miraculously shed 15 pounds, transform into Mother Teresa, or cure cancer, you will never be what he wants so stop.

Exhibit A: The Venn Diagram - I've unwittingly fallen for gay men twice. It hurts.

The good news is, one man's trash is another man's treasure. You will most definitely make the cut for someone else. Perhaps for someone who meets your 2/3 or even 3/3 and amazingly thinks you do, also:  http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/01/your-soulmate-isnt-who-you-think-it-is/

If you don't make the cut, who the fuck cares. Resist the human impulse to build and embrace who you really are to snag a man and keep him. There's a special someone out there for everybody.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

If A Guy Isn't Into You Now, He Will Never Be

Cheesy rom-coms and women's magazines have built an entire empire off of this lie- that as long as you work hard enough, you can earn yourself a man. In fact, I suspect well intentioned Lean-In Circles, the commercial media machine, and puritanical American values have contributed even more to the senseless self-flagellation that women experience. Women believe that if they simply worked long and hard enough- that if they were good looking enough, successful enough, and interesting enough- they could make a man love her.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  If a woman has to work this hard to snag a man- she is probably trying a little too hard to convert a man who was never really into her in the first place.

What most women don't know is that men and women fall in love differently. While women are generally cautious when considering a man (allowing "love" or serious consideration to unfold only after a six month time frame), men will probably decide within the first four minutes of conversation whether a woman is worth pursuing seriously. About 80% of this is about the goods: 

While another 20% is based on a quick, cursory analysis of her general "personality" and essence - her speech patterns and the overall vibe she is projecting. After this quick read, it's about whether a man likes her enough to put up with her and stay the course. If you don't make the cut within the first four minutes, I'm sorry to say it, but you haven't snagged the man. And you never will. You could make the cut for "friendly coworker" or one night stand he'll never see again. But it will forever be one self-esteem cutting notch lower than that notch he has reserved for his dream "it girl."

This may sound shallow. This may sound really sad. In fact it probably hurts. But it is the truth. 

I can't tell you how many women I know believe they need to "work harder" to earn a man's approval and love. They will embark on self-improvement journeys, attempt to fix themselves (through fitness programs or confidence boosting New Year's Resolutions), or shop their way through designer clothes and make-up to catch that elusive man-fish. Some women even spiral into fits of domesticity - cooking four course meals and organizing their beloved's belongings to make up the difference. The best way out of this fix is to probably stop giving a shit. It's tiring, exhausting, and inordinately senseless. In fact, I highly recommend reading the book, Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dream Girl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship. 

Dare to love yourself and stop it. If a guy isn't into you now, he will never be. Find someone who will willingly eat out of the palm of your hand to snag a man and keep him. 

Kick Him to the Curb

Women love being nice, but nice gets you nowhere. A blog on how to snag a man is incomplete without an entry about how to be a bitch. Although being nice is critical for gaining popularity with other women (or at least appearing to be nice), being a bitch is critical for gaining respect from men.

Ultimately, men respect strength not weakness. Self confidence is associated with those who have strong boundaries and from a Darwinian standpoint, men want women who can survive, thrive, and pass on their genes. Learning to bring the gavel down when you have to is mission critical for healthy relationships. Fortunately for you, being a bitch is very easy to do, and will save you lots of trouble in the long run. Simply adhere to the following rules to make your bitchiness complete:

1) If you aren't attracted, don't be his friend. Don't talk to him, don't answer his texts. Just don't. Be a bitch now, or be prepared to suffer the consequences.

2) If he doesn't pay for dinner, it's not a date. Yawn, zone out, then leave. Boredom is the greatest revenge since every man wants to feel like the center of attention.

3) Assess whether a man wants to be with you or be with you for the moment. Some obvious red flags: "You're fun!" "Why don't you meet me up here?" and um... "I don't love you." If you have to drive two hours to see him, he doesn't bother to take you out, or you spend most of your time together in his room, it's time to be a bitch. Mutual using does not set you up for success. Use him instead by having him fix your electronics until he expects the transition. Then jet. If a man treats you like a piece of ass, then treat him like an ass.

4) When a man doesn't treat you with respect, it is obvious in the way he talks to you. Condescending jabs should be met with a response commensurate to the amount of douchebaggery injected into his comments. Sometimes the best response is the ditzy mind-fuck. Mess with him a little with an ostensibly harmless serving of agreeable ditziness, followed by a jab of sarcastic awesomeness. He will subconsciously feel the sting but won't be able to articulate why.


Nice gets you nowhere with men and relationships. At times, it is necessary to be a bitch and kick 'em to the curb with blatant displays of your true awesomeness.

The Protector

When looking to snag a man, there are a few essentials you should research. On the top of my list is 
ability to pay for shit. This is closely followed by whether he is a jerk (to you). If he is whippable and you can put up with him, the next step is protection.

From an evolutionary standpoint, you want someone who gives a shit about you. Someone who is strong (at least stronger than you are) and not weak, so he can fend for the family, raze over bastards at work, and protect you from the torrent that assails you as a woman living in a snarky, scary universe. Your ideal man (if he gives a shit) should be strong enough to protect your interests and independent enough to stand up for you, even in the face of opposing public opinion (which may or may not include friends and family).  He will be visibly angry if you've been insulted, never let you drive home drunk, and always walk you home. When I think of a protector, I think of a bad-ass like this:

The protector will do things like buffer you on the side of oncoming traffic on the off-chance you'll be hit, bark at people who are mean to you, and architect situations that work for you, not against you. He may even coach you on how to be a bad-ass yourself. By contrast, a small man will cower, run away, or even worse, nitpick on you to feel better about himself.

Weak is not sexy, and not even nice. Choose a protector, not a weak man, to be your mate.

Don't Be a Ditz (All the Time)

We all know people like this. Nice, friendly, eager, with the appearance of stupidity and a disarming smile. Ditzy people exist. Particularly ditzy women. Ditzy cute women. 

From an evolutionary standpoint, this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. If the goal of mating and propagating one's species means producing off-spring that are equipped to deal with life's hard knocks, then ditziness appears to be a maladaptive trait. On the other hand, men are stupid, and their priorities can be easily re-shuffled for superficial matters (such as ego-massage). According to research, appearing to be non-threatening and speaking in a high-pitched voice are biologically sure-fire ways of signaling "femininity" and sparking attraction. Further complicating matters is the male-ego's tendency to be easily manipulated and the high-maintenance woman's perpetual quest for attention. A sense of accomplishment derived from rescuing a damsel in distress feeds a man's sense of self- importance. The jolt of satisfaction derived from having a man drop everything to fix emotional turmoil and self-created problems (logistical or imagined) feed's a woman's sense of self. 

The problem with all of this, is that while ditziness may help a woman successfully snag a man, it does not help her keep him. Unless he's grossly controlling and has significant mental problems, the off-switch needs to exist somewhere for the relationship to persist. A healthy relationship is based on two somewhat internally balanced and equal contributors pulling their weight in a partnership that assuages the distress caused by life difficulties and problems. According to a Stanford study, a woman's ability to juggle the expectations of femininity and masculinity with chameleon-like fluidity is key to her professional success. I believe this applies to a long-term relationship. To be a woman that is taken seriously, you must occasionally turn off the ditz switch, tidy up your "mess," and move away from co-dependence. 

Sadly, I've seen far too many cute (ditzy) women accept male projections and live up to them. The bloom of your early twenties will fade and the ditziness will eventually grate. Some women extend entitlement to stupidity, co-dependence, and slothfulness way beyond the expiration date (expecting others to grant them clemency for broken rules, provide logistical support for basic chores a child could complete, or meet unreasonable requests like editing papers at the last minute). If held at gunpoint, most women could probably figure out how to screw in a lightbulb and take care of their own shit.  

Being on top of your shit is a great feeling. Don't be a ditz (all the time) to snag a man and keep him. 

Laugh at His Jokes

It's a tough job being a man- especially being a man for a woman. To spend extended periods of time with a woman usually means listening to her problems, fixing her things, trouble-shooting her logistics, enduring nit-picking and/or neediness, or performing some other form of voluntary service. In fact, I  can't  even stand being around other women for very long. I have no idea how men do this without wanting to blow their brains out.

That is why it is critical to mitigate a man's cognitive dissonance. This can easily be achieved by laughing ditzily at his jokes, thanking him profusely for completed tasks and acts of service, appearing to be colossally impressed by any small indicator of success or intelligence, and carefully doling out gestures of affection. Protect the man-ego at all times, and he will actually enjoy your presence.

The man-ego is very important to your relationship. His identity as a man, sense of control, and self-efficacy depend upon it. So long as you coddle and cradle it like a small baby, you are in the clear. The man-ego is what drives him to protect the tribe, lead troops into battle, and make "noble" (at times stupid) sacrifices. Never trample on it. Never punch it. And never feed it to the wolves.

Coddling the man-ego is very easy to do; a small price to pay for the long-term benefits you'll acquire. So long as you protect the man-ego at all times, you are in the clear. Just laugh at his jokes and be nice. He will love you. Cherish you. And do all kinds of nice things for you.