Why a Woman Should Be Doing the Whipping: Explanation of Why Imbalance of Power is Absolutely Necessary

Do Men need to be "whipped?"  Is an imbalance of power ideal?  Karen and The Fashionable Geek weigh in!

Karen Song

Based on the responses I got to my last post, it is very clear to me that the universe would deteriorate into supreme bastardization if men were to completely run the world.

Exhibit A: "here it is plain and *#%&ing simple, WOMEN; put out and give it up. and furthermore, maybe even ACT like enjoy it. and if you really wanna go the extra mile... you gotta go downtown."

In a hunter-gatherer society, women did their fair share of tempering men from squandering essential resources, starting tribal wars, and spreading too much seed. We offer a collaborative perspective, produce and invest in babies (the future world), and are financially responsible and resourceful beings who probably keep our planet from imploding into genocide and world wars. Stern mamas and scary wives everywhere do their part in preventing the world from becoming a horrible place. Don't get me wrong, I love men (refer to post number 1) and I'm fairly certain I'd be ousted, scapegoated, and stoned by menstruating females in a world entirely devoid of y chromosomes. But the man must always be whipped for peace to prevail.   

The corollary is that an imbalance of power in relationships is absolutely necessary for balance and harmony to be preserved in the universe. For some women, this imbalance of power could be achieved by being a bitch and frankly men seem to like it (e.g. men seem to receive biologically wired delight from literal whipping and face-slapping). For unattractive women who don't have anything else, this might even be the only option.

But let's take a more rational approach. In a relationship, one person always likes the other person a little bit more (or maybe even a lot more, in which case, the relationship tends to survive). That's just the way it is. There is no such thing as a couple where both people like each other equally and if that's the case, the guy will start to roam as he acquires more money. A guy is always seeking to poach someone "out of his league" because guys like to "win" and showing you off is like showing off his latest car. The porsche garners envy, allows him to peacock, and makes him feel good about himself. It goes back to my bastardization theory. 

 Fortunately, it is very easy to transform bastardization into good so long as you are disinterested.  If the man likes you more than you like him, you have won. You can whip him and he will like it. He will shine you up like he shines up his car. He will even be "your friend." This is the only option. The minute you like him more than you like him it's over. 

Imbalance of power is absolutely necessary for maintaining a healthy relationship and a healthy universe.
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The Fashionable Geek

Karen and I have been messaging back and forth a lot as we continue to tweak the layout of the site, and so in the interest of fairness, even Karen admitted this post was “a bit inflammatory.”

So that being said, I wanted to take this opportunity to discuss power dynamics in relationships.

There are two types of power displacements that can occur in a relationship- natural and unnatural. Natural power dynamics are a result of the universal ebbs and flows of life. The truth is it every moment in our existence contains power struggles, big or small. Some are internalized: Karen mentioned in a previous post the choice between ordering fries or a salad. This is a power struggle between our taste buds and our body image. Others are more externalized: do I pick up that extra shift, or go relax on the beach?

At all times we are forced to make choices and compromise- we don't have the time or resources to have all our needs met. As we meet one need, it lessens; in turn the other grows.

We've all had friends who seemed to disappear after starting a new relationship. Nod if this sounds familiar, “Ever since Joe started dated Sue we never see him anymore!”

I was always the guy telling my friends to relax, because Joe was just excited about his new relationship, that things will calm down after a while, and he'll be back. In this case, Joe's need for romantic companionship and intimacy was not being met, while his need for non-romantic intimacy was. Now that he was getting what he was missing, he was grabbing onto it for dear life. Joe's been hungry, he's eating.

So let him eat until he feels full. I'd remind my friends that, yes, when one of us starts a new relationship, we all will do and have done the same thing. Sure enough, one of the ones complaining about Joe would be the next “jerk” to disappear.

I've mentioned before how even when partners needs match up, the intensity of the need isn't always the same. This applies to the relationship itself- the intensity of our involvement moves in cycles as we deal with the millions of other competing factors.

What this means is dynamics constantly change, even in the healthiest of relationships. The “less interested” party can become the “more interested” party will little to no notice.

Have you ever had a female friend start dating a guy who was head or heels for her, while she explains she's not as into him? How often does the woman find herself in a reversed scenario three months later, where her new guy wants more time with his buddies, and she's now trying to get the attention of a guy she almost wrote off?

This happens because men fall in love faster than women.

So how do you handle a natural power struggle? Most of the time, it's really simple- DON'T. Let your partner address his or her own needs and they'll likely readjust over time.

By this point, my girlfriend has just accepted that anytime a product comes out that lets me pretend I'm Batman she's going to get less of my attention for the next few weeks. If she leaves me alone to my devices I'll eventually max out on what I'm doing and come to my senses.

  "Okay, so I finally got the Crissaegrim.  Now I just need the Eye of Drac...
wait, who gives a damn?  BOOBS!"

Let's look at the other scenario. If my girlfriend where to constantly berate me, and make me feel guilty for indulging my hobby? The result is twofold: I'd resent her for not being understanding, and anytime I did spend to myself I'd feel guilty and shamed- and that means my needs are not being met. If my needs are not being met I'm going to address that by spending more time with my hobby.

"This would have never happened
if I listened to her and 'showered.'  SO WORTH IT!"

Now, some of you may be thinking, “I see your point, but video games are stupid and a waste of time.” My first answer to that is no on both accounts, my second, more important answer, is it doesn't matter. I chose this example on purpose, to make the point you need to support your partner regardless of his or her interest. It's easier to understand a universal conflict- that your girlfriend may want to have a girls night out instead of staying home cuddling with you. It's harder, but just important, to be supportive when you don't understand the importance of something.

So when my girlfriend recently explained to me that my cable bill would be tripling because “reality TV is played on a lot of the cable channels,” I relented.

"Thanks fo' yo' cash, SUCKA!"

If you really want to engage your partner during these times, find something quiet (the quiet part is important) and sit next to him or her.  Who knows, you might even start to see the appeal.

"I thought he'd NEVER leave!"

There's one other type of natural power displacement, and it's actually a very healthy scenario- when two people are able to recognize each others personal strengths and weaknesses, and step back and allow a partner to “lead” when appropriate. In this case, the difference in power is an agreement, be it implicit or explicit, that the relationship is a team. I tend to think things more thoroughly with day to day decisions; what we're going to eat and how much it's going to cost us, should we stock up on Diet Pepsi while it's on sale, how many channels do we really need, etc.

My girlfriend is better with anything that requires long term organization- moving, vacation planning, home decorating.

So, mostly, we defer to each other when appropriate. The important aspect of this is “defer,” not “control.” You have to be okay with the idea that sometimes your partner will want more input. So even though I decided how many channels our cable box has- wait, no, she totally won that one. See what I mean?

"You so whipped, Bro!  LOLZ"

Then there's unnatural power dynamics. Allow me to quote Karen's explanation what what she perceives men think about women:

“put out and give it up. and furthermore, maybe even ACT like enjoy it. and if you really wanna go the extra mile... you gotta go downtown.”

This is an unhealthy imbalance of power; there's a master-slave dynamic. The woman either “puts out” or loses the relationship.

When I was twenty-four, I dated a twenty-year old alcoholic who one night demanded I buy her booze or she was “going to get wasted with the frat guys.” (Note: we broke up a couple days later).

In both cases the message is clear- do what I (master) say or you (slave) will suffer grave consequences.

There are two scenarios where this most often occurs. You may be dating an abusive personality type. If that's the case, get out, just GET OUT. Now.

The second scenario is a once healthy relationship where a healthy imbalance of power wasn't addressed appropriately.

Maybe your significant other is still playing Batman eight hours a day four months later? (Too long)

Or maybe he's discussed the lack of sex in the relationship, but to no avail? (Again, my previous blog post where I talk about compromising when need intensities differ).

In these scenarios, that “losing” partner may just decide that he or she has had enough, and decides to take a hard stance on the situation. In other words, “we are beyond compromise.”

When this happens you and your partner need to sit down and talk immediately. Communication is key to figure out how the two of you ended up in this scenario, and to discuss realistic arrangements that could meet both your needs.

Generally, couples often fear and avoid these conversations because they feel an agreement may be impossible, and the relationship will end.

The truth is- an agreement MAY be impossible, and yes, this conversation may end the relationship.

If that's the case, the relationship was doomed, and the sooner it ends, the best for everyone involved.

We think of abusive relationships as something that happens with abusive people.

It's completely possible for two otherwise healthy of mind adults to find themselves in an abusive relationship.

This occurs when communication and compromise become impossible. The advice is the same, get out, GET WAY OUT.

It comes down to this; power dynamics are complicated. You are not going to get everything you want. Being the person on “top” doesn't put you in a better position. Be encouraging of your partner's fluctuating needs, and find a person that's understanding of yours. That's power with responsibility. He (or she) will love you for it.

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Hey reader!  Have a question you'd like Karen and The Fashionable Geek to tackle.  Well just e-mail KarenPlusGeekQA@gmail.com.

All questions are completely anonymous, but if want to include your age and gender it will help us tailor our response to you!