Love versus Lust

Hollywood would have us believe that hot, passionate, lust is what love is primarily comprised of. You meet "the one" and it's "love at first sight" for the doe-eyed blonde and the spicy Spanish couple.

Teenagers in heat peel the clothes off of each other in the back seat of cars on hot summer nights. Singles clamor into the club in high heeled shoes and short skirts, and it's on. The feeing of lust, is such a high, emotional rush that floods the senses with dopamine, pleasure, excitement, and longing. That first brush against someone's hand, the minutes counted down until the next text message, the locked eyes and stolen embraces, all contribute to a chemical web of hormones, social intricacies, and intimacies.

Lust is an obsessive longing for one person/one set of persons that is more grounded in the self and the feelings of infatuation that consume the self,  than in sincere care or concern for the other.  While lust is a very important and pleasurable part of the human experience, lust should not be confused for love. Lust may trigger feelings of love down the line, but it is ultimately temporary and selfish- merely nature's biological way of getting us to reproduce.

Love on the other hand, is a commitment and decision. Love is about putting someone else's needs before your own, through repetitive daily thoughtfulness and consideration. It is generally borne out of mutual respect and care. Unbeknownst to most women, who tend to funnel most of their efforts into looking hot and attach great value to their outward appearance, male attachment from a long-term perspective generally hinges upon the level of respect they have for the woman. Being pretty helps a little- but may not be a sufficient condition for conversion to long-standing love and commitment.

Men may have different parameters for what constitutes a respectable woman. For many, strength of character, financial independence, self-esteem and confidence, emotional maturity and stability, and intelligence factor strongly into their decision to commit and love. That x-factor that beguiles us all - the "chemistry" - is just a feeing, a strong biological feeling intended to jump-start the process. When left unchecked or confused for love, it clouds good judgment and erodes one's sense of self and hold on reality.

So the next time you make excuses for a man who hasn't texted, called, or planned your date because of that magical kiss or embrace remember the distinction between lust and love. Think in terms of metrics- if there is no conversion (no meaningful indicators for care or concern) you know you aren't the one. Cut, stop wasting time, and move on to someone who respects and cherishes you for who you are.