Real Vs. Not Real

Women everywhere buy into the hype: perfect house, perfect husband, perfect life. Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of the moment I'd drive a bright, magenta convertible (my father gave me a shiny electric Barbie car which I eagerly drove around the neighborhood cul-de-sac to the annoyance of all of my playmates) and live in my giant, pink Barbie mansion.

Movies, books, and magazines only served to reinforce my whimsical girlishness and dreams of glamorous glory. So that by the time I left for college in California, I was dreaming of reaching for that Hollywood sign, those sun-kissed surfers, ocean-side cliffs, and my time to shine, wind-blown hair and all, in the driver's seat of my bright, shiny, magenta convertible. 

As much as I'd like to think I'm unique in this quest, the older I get, the more I realize, I'm not that special. 

Girls, women, grown women everywhere dream of this. Maybe not this exact permutation - but the overarching general set-up, which generally includes living up to some kind of perfect standard and loving some kind of perfect man. The perfect man strums the guitar and tells you all kinds of perfect things to facilitate ego massage so that you can fall asleep happy, blanketed in your own glory - whether that be validation of your beauty, self-worth, or some other form of identity awesomeness. 

None of this is real. As cliched as this sounds, what's real is inside. Look at what a man does, not what he says. Is he the type of man you could call if you run out of gas and give you a ride? If not, next. Would he help you move into your new apartment? No? Next. Does he give you constructive feedback or does he tell you what you want to hear? If not, run. Does he make you drive, or does he act like a gentleman? If the answer is no, never hitch a ride with the asshole again. Does he flirt with you or does he buy you a drink? If not, what the fuck? If a man is not capable of problem solving, he's not a man - what you have is not real, and you should seriously consider looking at what's real to solve your own problems. 

True beauty comes from self-respect and the ability to shape your own reality- which starts with identifying what reality actually is. Love isn't in the movies or magazines. Love is borne from commitment, honesty, and perhaps a more bread and butter examination of what you need versus what you want. Look at what's real, not in your head, to snag a man and keep him. 

Love versus Lust

Hollywood would have us believe that hot, passionate, lust is what love is primarily comprised of. You meet "the one" and it's "love at first sight" for the doe-eyed blonde and the spicy Spanish couple.

Teenagers in heat peel the clothes off of each other in the back seat of cars on hot summer nights. Singles clamor into the club in high heeled shoes and short skirts, and it's on. The feeing of lust, is such a high, emotional rush that floods the senses with dopamine, pleasure, excitement, and longing. That first brush against someone's hand, the minutes counted down until the next text message, the locked eyes and stolen embraces, all contribute to a chemical web of hormones, social intricacies, and intimacies.

Lust is an obsessive longing for one person/one set of persons that is more grounded in the self and the feelings of infatuation that consume the self,  than in sincere care or concern for the other.  While lust is a very important and pleasurable part of the human experience, lust should not be confused for love. Lust may trigger feelings of love down the line, but it is ultimately temporary and selfish- merely nature's biological way of getting us to reproduce.

Love on the other hand, is a commitment and decision. Love is about putting someone else's needs before your own, through repetitive daily thoughtfulness and consideration. It is generally borne out of mutual respect and care. Unbeknownst to most women, who tend to funnel most of their efforts into looking hot and attach great value to their outward appearance, male attachment from a long-term perspective generally hinges upon the level of respect they have for the woman. Being pretty helps a little- but may not be a sufficient condition for conversion to long-standing love and commitment.

Men may have different parameters for what constitutes a respectable woman. For many, strength of character, financial independence, self-esteem and confidence, emotional maturity and stability, and intelligence factor strongly into their decision to commit and love. That x-factor that beguiles us all - the "chemistry" - is just a feeing, a strong biological feeling intended to jump-start the process. When left unchecked or confused for love, it clouds good judgment and erodes one's sense of self and hold on reality.

So the next time you make excuses for a man who hasn't texted, called, or planned your date because of that magical kiss or embrace remember the distinction between lust and love. Think in terms of metrics- if there is no conversion (no meaningful indicators for care or concern) you know you aren't the one. Cut, stop wasting time, and move on to someone who respects and cherishes you for who you are.

Making the Cut

Let's be honest, over-reaching is one of the basic building blocks of human civilization. Countless people have died building architectural wonders like the Pyramids and the Hoover Dam. I will never forget the day when my own parents took me to the Great Wall in China and essentially communicated that we were standing atop a graveyard of bodies roiled into the brick, stone, and earth beneath our feet. I was nine years old and couldn't sleep for several nights.

The point is, while over-reaching is noble and good for the advancement of our species, it is also mal-adaptive and stupid. In the area of romance, I implore you to take it easy. Although males are occasionally able to seal the deal when they accumulate wealth and status (and even then, it's tenuous), women are rarely able to over-reach successfully without encountering some measure of heart-ache, pain, or neglect. Life isn't fair. Men are shallow, visual creatures. And they make decisions quickly, with firm tiers set in place for who makes the cut and for what kind of relationship. If you don't make the audition, let it go. Trying harder won't make it better. The best you can hope for is a one night stand (or reverberations of one for as long as he needs to plug the gap between sexual conquests). Even if you miraculously shed 15 pounds, transform into Mother Teresa, or cure cancer, you will never be what he wants so stop.

Exhibit A: The Venn Diagram - I've unwittingly fallen for gay men twice. It hurts.

The good news is, one man's trash is another man's treasure. You will most definitely make the cut for someone else. Perhaps for someone who meets your 2/3 or even 3/3 and amazingly thinks you do, also:  http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/01/your-soulmate-isnt-who-you-think-it-is/

If you don't make the cut, who the fuck cares. Resist the human impulse to build and embrace who you really are to snag a man and keep him. There's a special someone out there for everybody.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!