If Men Like the Chase, Let Them Have it

Over the years, many well-intentioned women have come to me with their guy issues. "Men are intimidated by my success!" "I don't want to have to change my aggressive, dominant personality for a man!" "I like being in charge." And the worst: "If only I were quiet like you, maybe guys would like me more." (I don't think it's because I'm quiet. It's because I'm mysterious and generally disinterested).

In sum, I can't tell you how many Type A, overachieving women out there attempt to overachieve at their dating lives and fail miserably. I'm a fairly Type A woman myself and pride myself on my internal aspirations (a.k.a delusions of grandeur) but in the love department, I have learned it is best to underachieve. Women everywhere should just adhere to this philosophy. For the love of God, please underachieve. The less you care the better. It drives men crazy. 



Guys are wired to hunt, chase, and earn your love. They actually ENJOY this process. Forget feminism and your "go-getter" mentality; it's best to go downstream with biology on this one. Why paddle upstream if you can have a mutually co-dependent, symbiotic relationship. Women enjoy being placed on a pedestal, treasured, pampered, and having men do things for them. Men enjoy chasing, providing, and receiving gratitude when they have done something for you. Most of the guy friends I interview on the subject (mostly because I don't enjoy doing things for other people and I find it puzzling that some people should) concede that the dopamine reward system in their brains fire when they have earned female attention and approval. So let them do it. You both win. 

I can't tell you how many times I've forgotten to return a text or email (mostly because I'm absent-minded and my inbox has 4,0000+ emails in it) and this has quickly led to a barrage of texts and voicemails the next day. It drives men crazy when they have to figure you out. They begin to associate positive character traits with your mysteriousness, which quickly escalates into infatuation. They are happily frustrated by your challenge. I can honestly say that even after four years of being in a serious relationship, my boyfriend still says he finds me alluring because "he can't figure me out" and that it drives him crazy. The last thing a guy wants is for you to bring your Type A, overachieving fretfulness to your relationship.

So while your conscientiousness, ability to multi-task, attention to detail, and obsequiousness has worked for you at your current job and with your current boss, I must caution you against doing the following:

-Stalking his OKcupid profile then texting him all of your carefully researched and planned restaurant options to him.
-Being on top of answering his texts, phone calls, and facebook chats
-Calling him repeatedly to talk
-Mapping out the relationship
-Waiting for him to get back from work so that you can pounce on him with dinner and finished chores
-Doing things for him early in the relationship (for the love of God, he should be doing things for you!) This applies to the bedroom as well. Restraint is absolutely necessary and your sexuality should be doled out very gradually for this to have staying power.

Make him wonder, obsess, and work to have you, not the other way around. If you must work to have him, you are in trouble. Abort mission immediately and find someone else because he's probably not that into you. If men like the chase, let them have it. You both win.