Let's Get Hot and Steamy with Great Expectations

By Karen Song


 When I was younger, I downloaded the soundtrack to the movie "Great Expectations" and dreamt of being the wistful, gorgeous, and leggy, Gwyneth Paltrow. I thought the movie was steamy and hot. And who hasn't dreamt of being Ethan Hawke's obsession? (check out this emotional porn building montage and fast forward to 2:21 for the part you want):

The problem with this picture is that Ethan Hawke had some serious mental problems. After a childhood of being abused and taught to make Gwen his obsession, he followed her to New York, had sex with her even though she was engaged to be married, and made it his sole mission in life to impress her by pretending to be a famous, wealthy, person. Even when the convict that he rescued in childhood became his mysterious benefactor and bought all of his paintings, which led to Ethan becoming a real "success" because of good press and connections, he was willing to toss all of that away for a passionate kiss with Gwyneth in the rain. That wasn't true love. That was just sick.

While emotional porn makes for a good movie, it does not translate to health and wellness. If John Cusack is standing outside of your window with a boombox please call the cops:

 

If Tom Cruise says to you "I love you, you complete me" please run as fast as you can. No one should complete anyone. And if it is literally Tom Cruise, then for obvious reasons:

 

 

If Leonardo DiCaprio falls hard for you after a few days on an ill-fated ship and he wants to simulate flying, I'm sorry, but it's time to let Jack go:

 

 



 

Ethan Hawke should have ditched the bitch when he had the chance. Responding any differently signifies mental illness. The truth is, great expectations don't translate to relationship health or a man who is well balanced. You will never snag a man who is sensitive, desperate, and good looking (let's be honest). And a true man has self respect. He would never indulge your emotional porn or tell you to stand on the bow of a ship.

 

Let me break this down for a generation enthralled with cheesy cinema. If a man falls this quickly and deeply in love with you, he is not really obsessed with you, he is obsessed with the idea of being in love with you. You become easily interchangeable with Gwenyth Paltrow, Kate Winslet (or any other girl, really) because the emotion is not really about you, but about what he is feeling. In the beginning it's okay and I'm sure a lot of relationships start out that way; but ultimately, a man should never give up his livelihood, demand that you complete him, or stand outside of your room with a boombox if he has better things to do. Infatuation (addictive attachment) and true love (which is nurtured and blossoms over a long period of time) needs to be distinguished if you desire a mutually loving, happy, and healthy relationship.

 

If you want a real man, you must keep your great expectations in check. Or you could get hot and steamy with some bedside emotional porn for a healthy lonely existence. Your choice, but please distinguish one from the other.

In Case You Didn't Get the Memo: Make Him Happy

It seems obvious, but I'm surprised by how many women didn't get the memo. If all of the effort spent on plastic surgery, fake tans, acquiring expensive hand bags, and catfighting were simply redirected, I'm convinced the world would be a better place (although I'd hate to give up my "Real Desperate Housewives" fix like everybody else). Remember: how much shit your man puts up with must be proportional to the amount of happiness you deliver.



As I've mentioned before, guys are simple, logical creatures. They measure their level of satisfaction with the relationship by the amount of time they spend being happy. In fact, they will actually project positive characteristics onto you with time well spent (whether it's surfing or taking a walk in the park, the more shared happy memories you create the better). Even if these activities could be done just as easily with a pet, the man will not be able to distinguish his happiness from affection. Building happy memories together and replicating this happiness over and over again in the relationship is what a woman should be investing in. If there's one take away point you should emblazon into memory from this blog, it is this one.

You could be the hottest person on the planet but if the majority of the relationship is spent in dire unhappiness and shouting matches, jealousy, and hormonal craziness, the hotness is no longer relevant. I know it's hard ladies, but try to save the crazy for your girl friends, who are better equipped to handle it. This includes dramatic venting and exaggeration of your every day problems, once a month period rage, and excessive nagging (men absolutely hate this). Once the amount of shit you give him begins to outweigh the amount of happiness he feels with you or for you, you are on shaky ground. Conversely, if a man spends most of the time being happy with you, you have plenty of wiggle room (trust me).

The good news is, it doesn't take much to make a man happy. Here is a list of surefire ways that could be universally applied (regardless of race or nationality):

1) Watch Family Guy with him. Even if you can't stand it. Just do it.
2) Smile. Run your hands through your hair and flip it. Men love this.
3) Laugh at his jokes. Laugh often. The goofier you are the better.
4) Be cute.
5) Do nice things for him once in a while (it doesn't have to be a grand gesture, if he loves you he's floored by anything). Examples: massaging his forehead while he's dozing off in your lap, cooking his favorite spaghetti dish, getting tickets for a show, etc.
6) Stop complaining.
7) The obvious.

Remember, a man will measure how smitten he is with you by how much of the time he spends being happy with you.

"Girl's Night Out" Does Not Help You Snag a Man

Every woman squeals over doing this type of thing. Like dressing up for Halloween, a "Girl's Night Out" is the perfect avenue for showcasing your assets. There's strength in numbers and posting vain self-portraits on Instagram are a little too obvious. Major brownie points are earned in girl world for posing sexily in a hot, pink dress with ten other women at a Las Vegas bachelorette. This is not the case if you decide to take a slew of self-portraits in the mirror from your bedroom.



On weekends I usually see this type of Facebook post:  "I'm so excited for girl's night out with the ladies, XOXO!"

This type of text message: "OMG, can't wait to look hot with you lady! Let's dance! TTYL!"

Or a series of bisexual Instagram shots with the caption: "Keeping it real! I love my bestie!"

I am somewhat floored by the amount of effort that goes into a production like this and have several theories about why it happens. It is a well known fact that girls in a group seem hotter than any of them would be individually. The female collective distracts from an individual's shortcomings and characteristics in what is commonly known as "The Cheerleader Effect," and I'm sure a scantily clad group merely augments this effect for men.  For a visual demonstration of what I'm talking about, check out this "How I Met Your Mother" video clip (trust me, it's good.. Alyson Hannigan, who was referenced as the quintessential dude's hottie in my "Stop Reading Cosmo" post: http://howtosnagaman.blogspot.com/2012/08/stop-reading-cosmo-bar-is-low.html, is actually in it):

Girls are inherently vain and wish to be ogled at (even though they don't really care to dance or meet someone at a club). While this whole facade plays nicely into a girl's emotional pornography and the vision of being glamorous (just like those ladies from Sex and the City!), it's not really effective in snagging a man.

First of all, what kind of rational man wants to "break the set" with seven catty women? The whole interaction will inevitably be dissected, reviewed, and gossiped about since nitpicking on the "strange man" is the perfect way for the ladies to bond. In addition, the male often has to deal with variables like the heavy-set jealous friend or the gate-keeping male friend the ladies have dragged along. The man probably would (and should) run for the hills on this one.

Secondly, all ladies should examine their honest intentions here. Are you really going to the club to find true love or to actualize your emotional pornography and the Sex and the City vision? Chances are, you probably won't find the man of your dreams from a sea of drunken men who come there with the intention to ogle, but maybe that's what you really want. When you go out for "Girl's Night Out," it's just a given that you don't want to be caught grinding with some strange man or incur the censure of your girl mob. So admit your true intention (be it vanity or something else) and discern that from your desire to succeed. Too many times, I have seen women invest hours, maybe days, into looking sexually desirable for the big moment, only to become incredibly depressed, despondent, and disappointed when the colossal amounts of effort don't translate to actual guy success. This behavior is irrational to me and doesn't make any sense.

If you are going to make "Girl's Night Out" work for you in snagging a man, I would suggest trading in your female loyalty for true opportunity by breaking off from the set. Since I'm generally excluded from bi-sexual antics or grow tired of the girl clique over the course of the evening, I usually wander into a nice surgeon or engineer on my way to the bar (whom I then try to foist onto one of my girl friends).

"Girl's Night Out" does not help you snag a man.

Move to Silicon Valley: Law of Supply and Demand

If there's anything I've learned from living in Silicon Valley, it's that scarcity increases perceived attractiveness. In Silicon Valley the ratio of guys to girls is 2:1 and the dearth of women (with the exception of San Francisco) is so pronounced that San Jose is even called "Man Jose." Men are generally intelligent, conscientious, and successful (albeit odd) and will assess your attractiveness rather highly. Just moving here alone will significantly increase your chances of snagging a man and a successful, doting husband. Men will literally apply the enthusiasm they apply to their start-ups and day jobs at Facebook and Google to snagging and keeping you. It's really kind of cute.

In addition to increased options and new-found popularity, moving here will do worlds for a girl's confidence and social life. Your perceived attractiveness bumps up  several levels instantly-->the overwhelmingly positive treatment and attention you receive becomes internalized and baked into a sunny outlook on the world-->men respond to your glow-->cycle repeats. Human beings are so susceptible to public opinion that once you have been chatted about within a dude's inner circle, your socially perceived hotness level magnifies ten fold (Since dudes will find you attractive when they decide that other dudes find you attractive). Just avoid San Francisco where all the pretty girls live. In fact, avoid moving to areas with lots of pretty girls in general. Here's a map to better illustrate the law of supply and demand.

I can't tell you how many women have complained to me about the douche factor in Los Angeles and New York. The gender ratio seems to be reversed in these regions and the ladies have way too many sordid stories to tell of heartbreak, abuse, cheating, and general misfortune in love.  As a woman living in Silicon Valley I have to use my imagination to conjure up such an existence. In the Valley, I bet any woman in the "Sex and the City" series could go on Match.com and quickly find an MIT or Stanford graduate who treats them well enough  (but that would be far less glamorous).

Los Angeles, the dude's version of Silicon Valley (heh, Silicone Valley), is just about the worst deal a woman can get. There are a plethora of attractive women who enhance themselves with implants and octane voices. Competition is so fierce that women have actually honed their hotness factor down to a science. All of this effort goes into attracting less intelligent, less conscientious, and on the whole, douchier men than you would find up in the Bay Area.

If you still don't believe that scarcity increases perceived attractiveness and induces better treatment from men, please visit the following New York Times article about how "For Many Chinese Bachelors, No Deed Means No Dates" (the smug girl riding on the back of the dude's bicycle is a great representation): http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/15/world/asia/15bachelors.html?pagewanted=all
It appears that Chinese bias for male babies due to the one child policy has created a gender gap of over 32 million and "an imminent generation of excess men:" http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/11/world/asia/11china.htmlhttp://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/11/world/asia/11china.html

Marketplace dynamics apply to poaching the opposite sex. So go where the supply is low and demand is high. Move to Silicon Valley. Or Silicone Valley if you are a dude.

Why a Woman Should Be Doing the Whipping: Explanation of Why Imbalance of Power is Absolutely Necessary

Do Men need to be "whipped?"  Is an imbalance of power ideal?  Karen and The Fashionable Geek weigh in!

Karen Song

Based on the responses I got to my last post, it is very clear to me that the universe would deteriorate into supreme bastardization if men were to completely run the world.

Exhibit A: "here it is plain and *#%&ing simple, WOMEN; put out and give it up. and furthermore, maybe even ACT like enjoy it. and if you really wanna go the extra mile... you gotta go downtown."

In a hunter-gatherer society, women did their fair share of tempering men from squandering essential resources, starting tribal wars, and spreading too much seed. We offer a collaborative perspective, produce and invest in babies (the future world), and are financially responsible and resourceful beings who probably keep our planet from imploding into genocide and world wars. Stern mamas and scary wives everywhere do their part in preventing the world from becoming a horrible place. Don't get me wrong, I love men (refer to post number 1) and I'm fairly certain I'd be ousted, scapegoated, and stoned by menstruating females in a world entirely devoid of y chromosomes. But the man must always be whipped for peace to prevail.   

The corollary is that an imbalance of power in relationships is absolutely necessary for balance and harmony to be preserved in the universe. For some women, this imbalance of power could be achieved by being a bitch and frankly men seem to like it (e.g. men seem to receive biologically wired delight from literal whipping and face-slapping). For unattractive women who don't have anything else, this might even be the only option.

But let's take a more rational approach. In a relationship, one person always likes the other person a little bit more (or maybe even a lot more, in which case, the relationship tends to survive). That's just the way it is. There is no such thing as a couple where both people like each other equally and if that's the case, the guy will start to roam as he acquires more money. A guy is always seeking to poach someone "out of his league" because guys like to "win" and showing you off is like showing off his latest car. The porsche garners envy, allows him to peacock, and makes him feel good about himself. It goes back to my bastardization theory. 

 Fortunately, it is very easy to transform bastardization into good so long as you are disinterested.  If the man likes you more than you like him, you have won. You can whip him and he will like it. He will shine you up like he shines up his car. He will even be "your friend." This is the only option. The minute you like him more than you like him it's over. 

Imbalance of power is absolutely necessary for maintaining a healthy relationship and a healthy universe.
...................

The Fashionable Geek

Karen and I have been messaging back and forth a lot as we continue to tweak the layout of the site, and so in the interest of fairness, even Karen admitted this post was “a bit inflammatory.”

So that being said, I wanted to take this opportunity to discuss power dynamics in relationships.

There are two types of power displacements that can occur in a relationship- natural and unnatural. Natural power dynamics are a result of the universal ebbs and flows of life. The truth is it every moment in our existence contains power struggles, big or small. Some are internalized: Karen mentioned in a previous post the choice between ordering fries or a salad. This is a power struggle between our taste buds and our body image. Others are more externalized: do I pick up that extra shift, or go relax on the beach?

At all times we are forced to make choices and compromise- we don't have the time or resources to have all our needs met. As we meet one need, it lessens; in turn the other grows.

We've all had friends who seemed to disappear after starting a new relationship. Nod if this sounds familiar, “Ever since Joe started dated Sue we never see him anymore!”

I was always the guy telling my friends to relax, because Joe was just excited about his new relationship, that things will calm down after a while, and he'll be back. In this case, Joe's need for romantic companionship and intimacy was not being met, while his need for non-romantic intimacy was. Now that he was getting what he was missing, he was grabbing onto it for dear life. Joe's been hungry, he's eating.

So let him eat until he feels full. I'd remind my friends that, yes, when one of us starts a new relationship, we all will do and have done the same thing. Sure enough, one of the ones complaining about Joe would be the next “jerk” to disappear.

I've mentioned before how even when partners needs match up, the intensity of the need isn't always the same. This applies to the relationship itself- the intensity of our involvement moves in cycles as we deal with the millions of other competing factors.

What this means is dynamics constantly change, even in the healthiest of relationships. The “less interested” party can become the “more interested” party will little to no notice.

Have you ever had a female friend start dating a guy who was head or heels for her, while she explains she's not as into him? How often does the woman find herself in a reversed scenario three months later, where her new guy wants more time with his buddies, and she's now trying to get the attention of a guy she almost wrote off?

This happens because men fall in love faster than women.

So how do you handle a natural power struggle? Most of the time, it's really simple- DON'T. Let your partner address his or her own needs and they'll likely readjust over time.

By this point, my girlfriend has just accepted that anytime a product comes out that lets me pretend I'm Batman she's going to get less of my attention for the next few weeks. If she leaves me alone to my devices I'll eventually max out on what I'm doing and come to my senses.

  "Okay, so I finally got the Crissaegrim.  Now I just need the Eye of Drac...
wait, who gives a damn?  BOOBS!"

Let's look at the other scenario. If my girlfriend where to constantly berate me, and make me feel guilty for indulging my hobby? The result is twofold: I'd resent her for not being understanding, and anytime I did spend to myself I'd feel guilty and shamed- and that means my needs are not being met. If my needs are not being met I'm going to address that by spending more time with my hobby.

"This would have never happened
if I listened to her and 'showered.'  SO WORTH IT!"

Now, some of you may be thinking, “I see your point, but video games are stupid and a waste of time.” My first answer to that is no on both accounts, my second, more important answer, is it doesn't matter. I chose this example on purpose, to make the point you need to support your partner regardless of his or her interest. It's easier to understand a universal conflict- that your girlfriend may want to have a girls night out instead of staying home cuddling with you. It's harder, but just important, to be supportive when you don't understand the importance of something.

So when my girlfriend recently explained to me that my cable bill would be tripling because “reality TV is played on a lot of the cable channels,” I relented.

"Thanks fo' yo' cash, SUCKA!"

If you really want to engage your partner during these times, find something quiet (the quiet part is important) and sit next to him or her.  Who knows, you might even start to see the appeal.

"I thought he'd NEVER leave!"

There's one other type of natural power displacement, and it's actually a very healthy scenario- when two people are able to recognize each others personal strengths and weaknesses, and step back and allow a partner to “lead” when appropriate. In this case, the difference in power is an agreement, be it implicit or explicit, that the relationship is a team. I tend to think things more thoroughly with day to day decisions; what we're going to eat and how much it's going to cost us, should we stock up on Diet Pepsi while it's on sale, how many channels do we really need, etc.

My girlfriend is better with anything that requires long term organization- moving, vacation planning, home decorating.

So, mostly, we defer to each other when appropriate. The important aspect of this is “defer,” not “control.” You have to be okay with the idea that sometimes your partner will want more input. So even though I decided how many channels our cable box has- wait, no, she totally won that one. See what I mean?

"You so whipped, Bro!  LOLZ"

Then there's unnatural power dynamics. Allow me to quote Karen's explanation what what she perceives men think about women:

“put out and give it up. and furthermore, maybe even ACT like enjoy it. and if you really wanna go the extra mile... you gotta go downtown.”

This is an unhealthy imbalance of power; there's a master-slave dynamic. The woman either “puts out” or loses the relationship.

When I was twenty-four, I dated a twenty-year old alcoholic who one night demanded I buy her booze or she was “going to get wasted with the frat guys.” (Note: we broke up a couple days later).

In both cases the message is clear- do what I (master) say or you (slave) will suffer grave consequences.

There are two scenarios where this most often occurs. You may be dating an abusive personality type. If that's the case, get out, just GET OUT. Now.

The second scenario is a once healthy relationship where a healthy imbalance of power wasn't addressed appropriately.

Maybe your significant other is still playing Batman eight hours a day four months later? (Too long)

Or maybe he's discussed the lack of sex in the relationship, but to no avail? (Again, my previous blog post where I talk about compromising when need intensities differ).

In these scenarios, that “losing” partner may just decide that he or she has had enough, and decides to take a hard stance on the situation. In other words, “we are beyond compromise.”

When this happens you and your partner need to sit down and talk immediately. Communication is key to figure out how the two of you ended up in this scenario, and to discuss realistic arrangements that could meet both your needs.

Generally, couples often fear and avoid these conversations because they feel an agreement may be impossible, and the relationship will end.

The truth is- an agreement MAY be impossible, and yes, this conversation may end the relationship.

If that's the case, the relationship was doomed, and the sooner it ends, the best for everyone involved.

We think of abusive relationships as something that happens with abusive people.

It's completely possible for two otherwise healthy of mind adults to find themselves in an abusive relationship.

This occurs when communication and compromise become impossible. The advice is the same, get out, GET WAY OUT.

It comes down to this; power dynamics are complicated. You are not going to get everything you want. Being the person on “top” doesn't put you in a better position. Be encouraging of your partner's fluctuating needs, and find a person that's understanding of yours. That's power with responsibility. He (or she) will love you for it.

.............................................

Hey reader!  Have a question you'd like Karen and The Fashionable Geek to tackle.  Well just e-mail KarenPlusGeekQA@gmail.com.

All questions are completely anonymous, but if want to include your age and gender it will help us tailor our response to you!

If a guy is talking to you, he is into you (or wants to be)

Unlike most women in the universe, guys generally don't make conversation out of pity. If they are not interested in a lady, they usually make a beeline for her cute friend and ignore her completely.
It's not in their nature to be friendly, nice, or super engaging in conversation like most women feel pressured to be with everybody (oh how I envy dudes for this very reason). In fact, I don't even think they care that much about feelings; they care about getting things done. If talking to you gets them closer to their goal, they will indeed do so. Otherwise, they really don't give a shit.

I think every woman secretly knows this but also enjoys playing the denial game in order to acquire "more friends" or simply abate their boredom at work. Women love it when people listen to to them talk and latch on quickly when they find a willing and very eager ear to gab to. This surface level denial seems to cloud rational judgment and understanding of the true state of things. Even if the man has a wife, long-term girlfriend, long-term partnership, whatever it is-- if he is initiating conversation with you on a regular basis and consistently entering your stratosphere, chances are that there is at least a small portion of his bastardly self that desires to bed you. This may sound vulgar, maybe even shocking, but I think just about every male on the planet does this. For a very viral representation of what I'm talking about, please visit this video about why guys and girls can't be friends:

So now that you know the truth and you admit it, how do you respond?
If said dude is unattached and someone you are potentially interested in, you could respond in one of two ways to be effective (time-tested methods that drive men crazy):

1) Be aggressively flirtacious back
2) Be passively naive and continue to project "unawareness"

Depending on your personality, choose the style that works for you. Since I am shy and dorky, I find that playing the innocence card works quite nicely.  This tends to attract aggresssive men who want to protect me. On the other spectrum, there are men out there who really appreciate someone with sass and attitude. So break out the touchy feely and flirt back shamelessly if that is the way you are wired.

If a guy is talking to you, he is into you (or wants to be). End of story.

Stop Reading Cosmo, the Bar is Low

It's no secret that women do the whole she-bang: make-up, heels, handbag, hair etc. in order to impress other women. Magazines like Cosmo do a great job of plaguing on our insecurities so that we end up impressing our girl friends and gay friends more than our actual men (who think we are adorable freshly showered and secretly wish we'd stop with all the powder and lip gloss so that they can actually kiss us and hug us in our sweats and jammies). Don't get me wrong- men also like women who can surprise them and turn them on in the Cosmo fashion (in which case you slut it up once in a while with a short skirt and high heels) but it's not necessary to be this way all the time. It's nice to be cute then surprise them with the sexy (this drives men crazy).

The last thing a man wants is a high-maintenance woman. And you really only have to meet a certain bar of attractiveness in order for a man to be sold. Unlike women, who readily nitpick and stratify men (and women I might add) against each other in some form of strange optimization ladder, men only require that you pass their bar. Once you pass the bar, it doesn't matter how many gradations you are below Jessica Alba. You've met the bar. Now just make sure you shower, smell nice, wear clean clothes, and don't give them too much trouble.

I've inserted a graph to better illustrate this point:

I can't tell you how many guys I know crush on and are obsessed with Alyson Hannigan. She is the quintessential goofball, dork, and girl next door who can also turn on the sexy when required. Most guys would probably also prefer to date her over Jessica Alba because she already meets the bar while remaining accessible at the same time. Guys are generally practical, simple beings. Quote verbatim from a dude I broached about the subject, "You ideally want to date someone perhaps one level before hot or super hot." Once you are past the lightening bolt on this graph you are already in a guy's zone of bliss. You're in the clear already. So spend less time obsessing about your pores, nails, and hair and more time just being a cool person. He will love you even more.

If you insist on putting in some effort I suggest you avoid Cosmo and simply do one of the following looks (ideally in rotation to keep him on his toes):
a) Don a pair of nerdy librarian glasses and get stern
b) Dress up in a Halloween costume
c) Go "dancing with your girl friends" so you can wear a form fitting dress and a pair of high heels
d) Wear business casual (which you should be doing already if you work outside of Silicon Valley)
e) Veg out in your cute college sweatshirt and fuzzy yet fashionably girly sweatpants

Stop reading Cosmo, the bar is low.

Ladder theory and why it takes 2 seconds for a guy..

Karen and The Fashionable Geek weigh in on how long it takes a guy to decide if he's into you!

Karen Song

With women, it is possible for guys to win us over through rote force of will. Listen to us whine and "be there" for us for 2+ years and we'll eventually consider you a prospect. In fact, the higher you are up on the friendship ladder (the more shared experiences you've had, the more cookies you've baked, etc. etc.) the greater your chances of success and avoiding the chasm when leaping over to the other ladder since there are more rungs for you to catch (the hypotenuse of the triangle doesn't really work in your favor if you are closer to the abyss).

For your reference: http://www.laddertheory.com/ladderconsequences.htm



Not so with men. I believe men decide within 2 seconds of meeting you whether they are into you or not. They generally make the decision and stick with it. In large part because they are visually oriented bastards but also because they tend to be decisive and analyze their instincts less. For instance, every time I go out to eat with my boyfriend he scans the menu quickly, decides he wants something like a juicy, bodacious hamburger within seconds, then gets it and eats it. I tend to analyze every option on the menu, argue over whether I want salad or fries, then mooch off of him and give him my plate instead. He doesn't verbalize or dwell over his thinking process. And he is generally so spot-on with his taste that I just mooch off of him every time.

Once a guy has made his decision, he has made his decision. He probably can't write a novel about his feelings (although some guys probably go on to do so) or pin point exactly what it is about you that drives him crazy. I don't think these feelings arise simply because of your hotness (since there are so many flavors of hotness and guys seem to have very unique preferences)... it seems to be a constellation of things about your overall being and what gets projected that plays into the overall image that he swoons over (e.g. Jennifer Aniston "flirty, girl next door type," Tina Fey "witty, librarian type," Angelina "emotional, exotic" type, etc.). When presented with prospects, the man usually decides quickly and instinctively.




If a guy is into you, he will actually find  things to have in common with you. He will try listening to your music, he will take up your interests and claim you're "interesting" because you are different. He will force the fit by all means necessary.

Conversely, if a guy is not that into you, you could win a noble peace prize or run for president and he still won't be into you.

Unfortunately in life the people you try to impress will never be impressed and the people you don't have to impress are impressed already. It takes 2 seconds for a guy to decide whether he is into you or not. If he's into you, there will be noticeable pupil dilation, invasion of your personal space, flustered awkwardness and blushing, and obvious repeated attempts to see you. Even when he tries to hide his fervor (e.g. carefully planned call several days later, casual, cool conversation etc. etc.) YOU WILL KNOW.  Contrary to popular belief, it is nearly impossible for a guy to mask when he's into you.

So if he isn't, move on!
.....................................

The Fashionable Geek

As a former male dating consultant you touched upon the two areas that happened to be my specialties- ladder theory and "takeaway" theory- which states men value decisions and women value options.

Let's start with ladder theory. You assume that men decide if they are interested in a woman "in two seconds." This is only partially true.

An initial binary response of "cute enough" or "not cute enough" does in fact occur. Yes, that takes about two seconds. Yes, it's because men are visible creatures. This is evolution folks, and women do it too. In fact, in most situations, women are pickier.

One Night Stands: Are Women Pickier than Men?

Once a woman has passed that first test, she not automatically IN. The 2 seconds is not a decision making phase, just a weeding out processes.

Here's the first place where men and women start to diverge. If as a woman you're looking at the top link and thinking back to every time you either had or considered sex with an average or less than average looking guy, it's because, as Karen mentioned, our ladder system is different. It's different because women like "options", even at times when the option doesn't seem all that appealing.

Let's go back to Karen's example above. Imagine this: You're trying to decide between fries and salad, when the waiter casually mentions "We are all out of salad tonight." How do you feel?

Any men reading this probably are shrugging and thinking, "I'd get me some fries!" The women are probably thinking, "But I wanted a salad!"

Before you get the pitchforks out, don't take my word on this:

Do Women Like Options More Than Men?

Men are more decisive, Women are More Open Minded.

So let's get back to our ladder. We've had two seconds with someone, what happens?

For Men, we've decided either you're on the ladder, or you're off the ladder. If you're off the ladder- Game Over. We're done. Move on.

Women are more likely to place an average or below average guy on the bottom of the ladder. Yeah, he's there- but he's hanging on with just a single hand and it's tipping. It's up to him to climb up.

"But Angel," you may be thinking, "You said women are pickier. You are a mess of contradictions. A beautiful mess, but a mess all the same."

Nope. See, the rub of it is, our ladder is much shorter than yours. It doesn't take us two seconds, but it does take us only about twenty minutes to decide on your original placement.

Let me be clear- You can still fall off and we CAN lose interest. But, let's assume for simplicity sake that the man in this equation is interested in only casual sex (there's a formula going on in our head ladies, and the weight of different action changes depending on what we're looking for). In this scenario, the requirement to reach the top is pretty much "Don't be a pain." It doesn't matter where on the ladder you are- this is really our only requirement at this point. Once you're on our radar- even if only for a fling- the sort-of-cute girl who can name three writers of "Batman" comics still has a better shot than the super-hot model who spends twenty minutes explaining we should "ditch your friend, because he's an idiot."

Simply put, looks matter, but not as much as you think they do.

Okay, so what do the women want? It took years of training, reading, and experimentation for me to answer this question, and used to take months just to get my clients in a place where they started to get a grasp on this- so needless to say, this blog post isn't really going to answer that question thoroughly.

On the basic level, though, women want options. One of the quickest ways a guy can climb your ladder is removing himself as an option. That theory that if you ignore a girl she'll come around. It's sort of true.

Now, I already know most of the women reading this are thinking, "No it's not. That would just piss me off. It would never work on me."

Well, lady readers of this blog, you'll say that a lot. Every woman says that to me when I try to explain how to get a woman's interest. Yet the things I did when I was single worked. They worked ALL THE TIME. But alas, things aren't so simple.

The summary never does what takes months and years to learn justice. But yes, you are right, a guy who just suddenly ignores you when you say not interested is a manipulative jerk and you should stop talking to him. That won't work. (Note: Actually, sometimes it does, but not with women you want to get involved with. Another post, possibly).

For men don't try this unless you know what you're doing, but if you insist, here's a hint: it requires listening to a woman, picking up on her cues telling you where you fit on her ladder, and then acting exactly in the way she told you she wanted to act. You're not removing attention, just giving her a different type of it.

And you know what, listening to what someone says to you and acting accordingly is NOT manipulative.

As for ladder jumping- well, for men, there's usually no need. Our ladder is designed for convenience- to help you climb. If you made it on, then you, as the woman, have already decided where YOU want to be (unless you are, in fact, a pain). No jumping required.

Can men jump? Yes, they can. But it requires a whole mess of changes in our behavior. There's a reason your on the friend ladder buddy- you're acting like her friend. You're acting like JUST her friend. If you want to jump, you have to figure out how to act like her SEXY friend.

How? Again, that's another blog post.

But Karen's advice at the end here is spot on. If a guys not interested, move on. And if a girls not interested? Move on!

Male or female, you've got better things to do with your time than chase someone who doesn't want to to be involved with you. There are others. Have some self respect.

What if you can't tell if he/she is interested?

Takes some time, put yourself out there, get some experience, don't be afraid to fail- and LEARN how to tell.

If you can't be bothered to take the time to properly learn a skill, that's on you. It's not his fault, or hers.
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