Don't Be a Ditz (All the Time)

We all know people like this. Nice, friendly, eager, with the appearance of stupidity and a disarming smile. Ditzy people exist. Particularly ditzy women. Ditzy cute women. 

From an evolutionary standpoint, this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. If the goal of mating and propagating one's species means producing off-spring that are equipped to deal with life's hard knocks, then ditziness appears to be a maladaptive trait. On the other hand, men are stupid, and their priorities can be easily re-shuffled for superficial matters (such as ego-massage). According to research, appearing to be non-threatening and speaking in a high-pitched voice are biologically sure-fire ways of signaling "femininity" and sparking attraction. Further complicating matters is the male-ego's tendency to be easily manipulated and the high-maintenance woman's perpetual quest for attention. A sense of accomplishment derived from rescuing a damsel in distress feeds a man's sense of self- importance. The jolt of satisfaction derived from having a man drop everything to fix emotional turmoil and self-created problems (logistical or imagined) feed's a woman's sense of self. 

The problem with all of this, is that while ditziness may help a woman successfully snag a man, it does not help her keep him. Unless he's grossly controlling and has significant mental problems, the off-switch needs to exist somewhere for the relationship to persist. A healthy relationship is based on two somewhat internally balanced and equal contributors pulling their weight in a partnership that assuages the distress caused by life difficulties and problems. According to a Stanford study, a woman's ability to juggle the expectations of femininity and masculinity with chameleon-like fluidity is key to her professional success. I believe this applies to a long-term relationship. To be a woman that is taken seriously, you must occasionally turn off the ditz switch, tidy up your "mess," and move away from co-dependence. 

Sadly, I've seen far too many cute (ditzy) women accept male projections and live up to them. The bloom of your early twenties will fade and the ditziness will eventually grate. Some women extend entitlement to stupidity, co-dependence, and slothfulness way beyond the expiration date (expecting others to grant them clemency for broken rules, provide logistical support for basic chores a child could complete, or meet unreasonable requests like editing papers at the last minute). If held at gunpoint, most women could probably figure out how to screw in a lightbulb and take care of their own shit.  

Being on top of your shit is a great feeling. Don't be a ditz (all the time) to snag a man and keep him. 

Laugh at His Jokes

It's a tough job being a man- especially being a man for a woman. To spend extended periods of time with a woman usually means listening to her problems, fixing her things, trouble-shooting her logistics, enduring nit-picking and/or neediness, or performing some other form of voluntary service. In fact, I  can't  even stand being around other women for very long. I have no idea how men do this without wanting to blow their brains out.

That is why it is critical to mitigate a man's cognitive dissonance. This can easily be achieved by laughing ditzily at his jokes, thanking him profusely for completed tasks and acts of service, appearing to be colossally impressed by any small indicator of success or intelligence, and carefully doling out gestures of affection. Protect the man-ego at all times, and he will actually enjoy your presence.

The man-ego is very important to your relationship. His identity as a man, sense of control, and self-efficacy depend upon it. So long as you coddle and cradle it like a small baby, you are in the clear. The man-ego is what drives him to protect the tribe, lead troops into battle, and make "noble" (at times stupid) sacrifices. Never trample on it. Never punch it. And never feed it to the wolves.

Coddling the man-ego is very easy to do; a small price to pay for the long-term benefits you'll acquire. So long as you protect the man-ego at all times, you are in the clear. Just laugh at his jokes and be nice. He will love you. Cherish you. And do all kinds of nice things for you.

Develop A (Good) Personality

As I've alluded to before in Stop Reading Cosmo, The Bar is Low and Girls Night Out Does Not Help You Snag a Man, it is key to focus on what is important. Don't get me wrong, investing in your appearance is a good investment. But if you want to snag a man, or more specifically, a good man, then developing a personality, preferably a good personality, is critical for sustaining a healthy relationship. A good personality usually means the following:

1) Thinking about other people.
2) Keeping the whining to a minimum.
3) Having personal goals and your own interests.
4) Having friends.

It seems obvious, but you'd be surprised how many people out there don't think about this. Women pore over magazines to vicariously live out Kim Kardashian's hotness and pine over glamorous, air-brushed images of made-up women most men would never even want to date (or screw). And even if you aspire for Maxim level hotness, keep in mind that snagging a man who wants to screw you and snagging a man who wants to date you are two very different things.

Intelligent men look for women they can converse with and spend lots of time with. Once you clear their hotness bar (which isn't as high as you may think), it is up to your personality to convert interest into commitment (not your ascent from level 8 to level 10 hotness).  My theory is that there is a man out there for everybody. You don't necessarily need to be Blake Lively to snag a man. Simply stay true to your heart, think for yourself, and maintain a healthy, mature, and balanced outlook to snag a good one.

Somewhere out there in the universe is someone who can put up with you and maybe even be convinced to adore you. Develop a (good) personality to snag the right man for you.

How to Spot a Nice Guy

There are many advantages to being with a nice guy: good treatment, preservation of  your self-confidence, fidelity, and relatively little drama are some of the good reasons for being with a nice guy. Although most men go through some kind of transformation in order to "up their game" and bitch often about how women like assholes, I do feel like the inherent DNA of a nice guy is fundamentally difficult to change (unless the dude has been burned by several bitches in the past and he's gone off the deep end).

Of course, this post is not intended for the audience that wants a douche. Although most women want to be with a douche ( I'll tackle that subject in another blog post), I'm here to tell women who want a good relationship that it's not possible to reform a jerk. We all want to feel special and be that special someone who is the exception to the rule. Who doesn't want to be that wonderful woman who tempers an asshole into a man who singly pines for her? But a part of maturing and growing up is realizing that you are never the exception to the rule. Rules are rules in relationships and life and you are never the exception. You are not special. You can feel special, but you are not special.

If you will never temper an asshole, it logically follows that you should date a nice guy.  Here is an example of what a nice guy might look like and a sampling of characteristics you should look for:

1. Kind eyes. Eyes are the window to the soul. A wonderful stare will feel comforting and reassuring. If his eyes seem cold, creepy, or surreptitious, RUN.

2. Genuine interest in you. Does he talk about himself most of the time or does he listen to you? Is he staring down at your boobs or is he carefully considering what you are saying and feeling? You want someone who sees you as a human being whom he could care for, not a man who will objectify and use you as a placeholder, or even worse, projection of his own reality. Take a look at this video about sex dolls if you want to be scared:

3.  Has a good relationship with his mother. Examine how he treats the women in his life. Is he protective of his sister? Does he talk about his mother fondly? If the man has good relationships with the women in his life, it's a sign that he will treat you well.

4. Well-mannered and treats his friends, family, and others well. For clues about how he will ultimately treat you, it pays to examine how he treats most people in his life. Is he courteous and considerate? Has he been willing to throw the people he cares about under the bus for his own needs? Does he take advantage of others? It pays to observe his interactions with others carefully because at the end of the day you are not special. How he treats other people is ultimately how he will treat you.

5. Directed and stable. We all go through phases and that is understandable, but overall you might want to consider being with a man who is emotionally and financially stable. A man who is not currently stable will have a difficult time caring for you and giving you the attention you may need in a relationship. Again, I don't advocate ditching a wonderful man just because he is going through a rough patch (because that would say more about your character than his), but if the instability has been a consistent running pattern in his life and it doesn't look like he will get any better, it may be time to move on.

These are my tips for how to snag that nice guy. Snagging a nice guy is worth it! (But please ignore this advice if you want to snag a jerk).

Sexism and How to Spot a Gas-lighter

I know the internet is probably over this, but since I'm stubborn, have a bad-temper, and don't easily let go of grudges, here is flaming self-expression of my pent-up rage, accumulated from years of being gas-lighted in Silicon Valley:

This tweet-pic is almost laughable really. Should dorky, feckless, unkempt, smelly men-children who don't know how to converse or interact with females, haven't advanced much socially beyond the mentality of 15-year-old boys, and are sexually desperate, even warrant this much attention or sympathy? I understand that immaturity is prevalent in the Valley, but men should really learn to keep this shit to themselves and stay professional. In fact, I applaud Adria Richards for her courage. And perhaps for her patience. She did what she did because she was tired.

In my opinion, this was a measured response. These men were being rude and destroying her experience of the conference by expressing their juvenile, dudely privilege. Richards blogged, "Have you ever had a group of men sitting right behind you making a joke that caused you to feel uncomfortable? Well, that just happened this week but instead of shrinking down in my seat, I did something about it." She was spurred to action in part by a photo of a young girl on the stage at the time and thought the men behind her would make it impossible for this hypothetical girl to learn programming. How sad. 

If this kind of behavior (which does persist in start-up culture) was truly eroding her professional experience and her ability to do her work, causing psychological distress, and even inciting anxiety and concern for other females entering the tech space, then her reaction was a relatively tame response to persistent egregiousness.  She was doing all of us a favor by making an observation. But this observation led to a misogynist flame war where she was called practically every racial, sexist slur  name under the sun, had her personal information released, and received threats of violence such as a photo of a bloody, beheaded woman, bound and stripped with the caption "When I am done." She was also fired. 

In this blog post I would like to call upon women everywhere to recognize sexism while it is happening and to resist gas-lighting as much as possible. For people who don't know what gas-lighting is, it is a psychological technique employed to make a victim doubt her own memory, perception, and sanity. 

The term is a reference to the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman, in which a husband attempts to convince his wife and others that she is crazy. He does so by setting the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on and insisting that Bergman is imagining things every time she reacts to it. Men will often "gaslight" women after making sexist remarks, presenting false information that invalidates her natural instincts in order to alter the female's perception of herself and deflect blame.  For a deeper dive, read A Message to Women from a Man: You Are Not Crazy.

I know that resistance is hard to do, especially in a climate where the majority culture is instructed by a cavalier, hacker mentality that encourages men (who wouldn't otherwise be able) to express their latent masculinity. But you should never decry your own valid feelings or allow men to twist legitimate expression of your discomfort into an opportunity to make you feel crazy. 

Most of the time, it has nothing to do with you, really. Sexism and gas-lighting is a projection of  the quintessentially insecure man and his own reality. The easiest way for a man to artificially inflate his own sense of power is to make you feel inferior. It's like how small dogs tend to bark the most.  Most of  the time, it has little to do with you and more to do with them. Small men love power and any opportunity to make you feel worse is a win. So don't let them.

Examples of sexism and/or gas-lighting (since life is a cliche, this happens more often than we think):

1. "You're fat! Just kidding!"
2. "You're sexy." If you aren't my boyfriend or you work with me, what the fuck.
3.  Ass grabbing. This just shouldn't happen. Especially if it is at a company holiday party.
4.  Uncomfortable questions about dating history and relationships.
5.  Attempts to be a life counselor (best achieved by probing for self-deprecating fodder).
6.  Being asked out or receiving unsolicited gifts in a professional relationship.

Men need to grow the fuck up. Please do us all a favor and speak up the next time you experience or recognize sexism and resultant gas-lighting behavior. It's our responsibility to speak up.

The Hot/Crazy Scale

As I've alluded to before in a prior post ("In Case You Didn't Get the Memo: Make Him Happy"), men are logical creatures. Since they are generally shallow beings who care more about outcomes, the amount of shit they are willing to put up with must be proportional to the amount of happiness you deliver. Fortunately for you, delivering happiness to your man is very easy and means one of two things: 1) Be hot or 2) Be low maintenance.

The "interesting" interests you invest in to impress your girl friends (a spotless house, your recent hiking adventure to Machu Picchu, your plans for world domination, and religious usage of your Clarisonic brush) don't really make that much of a difference to a man. It's really very simple- look good and don't give him too much trouble.

The Hot/Crazy Vicky Mendoza Scale was first coined by Barney in this hilarious "How I Met Your Mother" episode. According to Barney, you are allowed to be crazy so long as you are equally hot. Vicky Mendoza was a girl he dated who jumped back and forth across the line by shaving her head, then losing ten pounds, then stabbing Barney with a fork. She finally made it back above the diagonal line by getting a boob job.

The key to snagging a man and keeping him is to stay above the Vicky Mendoza diagonal line. The good news is that if you have managed to get into a relationship with your man, you have probably already cleared his hotness bar (refer to "Stop Reading Cosmo, The Bar is Low"). The bad news is that you are probably crazy. All women are. Just keep that shit under control.

Studies show that constant complaining will actually detract from a man's assessment of a woman's overall attractiveness. And I'm assuming that throwing things, engaging in consistent bitch fights with other women, excessive self-analysis, clinginess, and fits of jealous rage fall into the category of activities that would erode your hotness.

I'm sorry to break the news to you, but a man would probably be willing to lose an arm for Jessica Alba. Not for you. Stay above that Vicky Mendoza diagonal to snag a man and keep him!

If You Want a Nice Guy, Then Look for One

I understand that most women don't want nice guys. Being with a douche bag is intoxicating- the games, the uncertainty, the power imbalance, the low self-esteem-- all put you on a thrilling course towards self-destruction (which sounds really dramatic and awesome, right?). Nice guys are predictable and boring because they actually make you feel good about yourself. But in case you do want someone decent (or you are nearing your 30s), here is my advice:

1. Don't just "put yourself out there." The world is not a bed of roses and it is most certainly not your oyster. Please refer to "The Male Brain"  for a closer look at what I'm talking about.

2. As a corollary to point 1, don't be naive. People aren't always nice so be careful. In my early twenties, I was idealistic and a bit too trusting of others, believing that people always had the best of intentions provided they were friendly and did nice things. So not true. Never give anyone the benefit of the doubt until they've proven themselves trustworthy and add positive value to your life over a decent period of time. For instance, I believe it takes two years to truly be in a place to assess whether a friendship is genuine or not. The quality control you apply to your friendships should be extended to your romantic relationships as well.

3. If you don't want your hair cut, don't go to the barbershop. Avoid seedy clubs and places where sketchy people go if you do not want a one-night stand. Otherwise, have fun.

4. On the flip side, attend growth-oriented meet-ups and clubs, gatherings with friends you respect, and classes or seminars where you are learning and pursuing hobbies and interests to find like-minded people. By being more of yourself and simply living a growth oriented life, you'll come across nice people in your journey (and hopefully snag that nice guy!)

5. Be aware of the persona you are projecting. The media and our society have pushed an over-sexualized, exaggerated rendition of the quintessential female whom I would caution you against embracing for the sake of your psychological and physical well-being. Take a look at real life Barbie, Heidi Montag, or Britney Spears.

 (For shits and giggles, here is the "I'm a Slave for You" video that Britney Spears did. HAWT but sad!)

6. I hate to state the obvious, but only hang out with people if they treat you right. As I've mentioned before, life is short and riddled with plenty of opportunities to feel bad about yourself (refer to "A Man Who Makes You Feel Insecure is Trying to Be in Your League" for a deeper dive). This applies to friendships and relationships. Eliminate toxicity and be kind to yourself.

If you want a nice guy, then look for one. At least try.