How to Spot a Nice Guy

There are many advantages to being with a nice guy: good treatment, preservation of  your self-confidence, fidelity, and relatively little drama are some of the good reasons for being with a nice guy. Although most men go through some kind of transformation in order to "up their game" and bitch often about how women like assholes, I do feel like the inherent DNA of a nice guy is fundamentally difficult to change (unless the dude has been burned by several bitches in the past and he's gone off the deep end).

Of course, this post is not intended for the audience that wants a douche. Although most women want to be with a douche ( I'll tackle that subject in another blog post), I'm here to tell women who want a good relationship that it's not possible to reform a jerk. We all want to feel special and be that special someone who is the exception to the rule. Who doesn't want to be that wonderful woman who tempers an asshole into a man who singly pines for her? But a part of maturing and growing up is realizing that you are never the exception to the rule. Rules are rules in relationships and life and you are never the exception. You are not special. You can feel special, but you are not special.

If you will never temper an asshole, it logically follows that you should date a nice guy.  Here is an example of what a nice guy might look like and a sampling of characteristics you should look for:

1. Kind eyes. Eyes are the window to the soul. A wonderful stare will feel comforting and reassuring. If his eyes seem cold, creepy, or surreptitious, RUN.

2. Genuine interest in you. Does he talk about himself most of the time or does he listen to you? Is he staring down at your boobs or is he carefully considering what you are saying and feeling? You want someone who sees you as a human being whom he could care for, not a man who will objectify and use you as a placeholder, or even worse, projection of his own reality. Take a look at this video about sex dolls if you want to be scared:

3.  Has a good relationship with his mother. Examine how he treats the women in his life. Is he protective of his sister? Does he talk about his mother fondly? If the man has good relationships with the women in his life, it's a sign that he will treat you well.

4. Well-mannered and treats his friends, family, and others well. For clues about how he will ultimately treat you, it pays to examine how he treats most people in his life. Is he courteous and considerate? Has he been willing to throw the people he cares about under the bus for his own needs? Does he take advantage of others? It pays to observe his interactions with others carefully because at the end of the day you are not special. How he treats other people is ultimately how he will treat you.

5. Directed and stable. We all go through phases and that is understandable, but overall you might want to consider being with a man who is emotionally and financially stable. A man who is not currently stable will have a difficult time caring for you and giving you the attention you may need in a relationship. Again, I don't advocate ditching a wonderful man just because he is going through a rough patch (because that would say more about your character than his), but if the instability has been a consistent running pattern in his life and it doesn't look like he will get any better, it may be time to move on.

These are my tips for how to snag that nice guy. Snagging a nice guy is worth it! (But please ignore this advice if you want to snag a jerk).

Sexism and How to Spot a Gas-lighter

I know the internet is probably over this, but since I'm stubborn, have a bad-temper, and don't easily let go of grudges, here is flaming self-expression of my pent-up rage, accumulated from years of being gas-lighted in Silicon Valley:

This tweet-pic is almost laughable really. Should dorky, feckless, unkempt, smelly men-children who don't know how to converse or interact with females, haven't advanced much socially beyond the mentality of 15-year-old boys, and are sexually desperate, even warrant this much attention or sympathy? I understand that immaturity is prevalent in the Valley, but men should really learn to keep this shit to themselves and stay professional. In fact, I applaud Adria Richards for her courage. And perhaps for her patience. She did what she did because she was tired.

In my opinion, this was a measured response. These men were being rude and destroying her experience of the conference by expressing their juvenile, dudely privilege. Richards blogged, "Have you ever had a group of men sitting right behind you making a joke that caused you to feel uncomfortable? Well, that just happened this week but instead of shrinking down in my seat, I did something about it." She was spurred to action in part by a photo of a young girl on the stage at the time and thought the men behind her would make it impossible for this hypothetical girl to learn programming. How sad. 

If this kind of behavior (which does persist in start-up culture) was truly eroding her professional experience and her ability to do her work, causing psychological distress, and even inciting anxiety and concern for other females entering the tech space, then her reaction was a relatively tame response to persistent egregiousness.  She was doing all of us a favor by making an observation. But this observation led to a misogynist flame war where she was called practically every racial, sexist slur  name under the sun, had her personal information released, and received threats of violence such as a photo of a bloody, beheaded woman, bound and stripped with the caption "When I am done." She was also fired. 

In this blog post I would like to call upon women everywhere to recognize sexism while it is happening and to resist gas-lighting as much as possible. For people who don't know what gas-lighting is, it is a psychological technique employed to make a victim doubt her own memory, perception, and sanity. 

The term is a reference to the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman, in which a husband attempts to convince his wife and others that she is crazy. He does so by setting the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on and insisting that Bergman is imagining things every time she reacts to it. Men will often "gaslight" women after making sexist remarks, presenting false information that invalidates her natural instincts in order to alter the female's perception of herself and deflect blame.  For a deeper dive, read A Message to Women from a Man: You Are Not Crazy.

I know that resistance is hard to do, especially in a climate where the majority culture is instructed by a cavalier, hacker mentality that encourages men (who wouldn't otherwise be able) to express their latent masculinity. But you should never decry your own valid feelings or allow men to twist legitimate expression of your discomfort into an opportunity to make you feel crazy. 

Most of the time, it has nothing to do with you, really. Sexism and gas-lighting is a projection of  the quintessentially insecure man and his own reality. The easiest way for a man to artificially inflate his own sense of power is to make you feel inferior. It's like how small dogs tend to bark the most.  Most of  the time, it has little to do with you and more to do with them. Small men love power and any opportunity to make you feel worse is a win. So don't let them.

Examples of sexism and/or gas-lighting (since life is a cliche, this happens more often than we think):

1. "You're fat! Just kidding!"
2. "You're sexy." If you aren't my boyfriend or you work with me, what the fuck.
3.  Ass grabbing. This just shouldn't happen. Especially if it is at a company holiday party.
4.  Uncomfortable questions about dating history and relationships.
5.  Attempts to be a life counselor (best achieved by probing for self-deprecating fodder).
6.  Being asked out or receiving unsolicited gifts in a professional relationship.

Men need to grow the fuck up. Please do us all a favor and speak up the next time you experience or recognize sexism and resultant gas-lighting behavior. It's our responsibility to speak up.

The Hot/Crazy Scale

As I've alluded to before in a prior post ("In Case You Didn't Get the Memo: Make Him Happy"), men are logical creatures. Since they are generally shallow beings who care more about outcomes, the amount of shit they are willing to put up with must be proportional to the amount of happiness you deliver. Fortunately for you, delivering happiness to your man is very easy and means one of two things: 1) Be hot or 2) Be low maintenance.

The "interesting" interests you invest in to impress your girl friends (a spotless house, your recent hiking adventure to Machu Picchu, your plans for world domination, and religious usage of your Clarisonic brush) don't really make that much of a difference to a man. It's really very simple- look good and don't give him too much trouble.

The Hot/Crazy Vicky Mendoza Scale was first coined by Barney in this hilarious "How I Met Your Mother" episode. According to Barney, you are allowed to be crazy so long as you are equally hot. Vicky Mendoza was a girl he dated who jumped back and forth across the line by shaving her head, then losing ten pounds, then stabbing Barney with a fork. She finally made it back above the diagonal line by getting a boob job.

The key to snagging a man and keeping him is to stay above the Vicky Mendoza diagonal line. The good news is that if you have managed to get into a relationship with your man, you have probably already cleared his hotness bar (refer to "Stop Reading Cosmo, The Bar is Low"). The bad news is that you are probably crazy. All women are. Just keep that shit under control.

Studies show that constant complaining will actually detract from a man's assessment of a woman's overall attractiveness. And I'm assuming that throwing things, engaging in consistent bitch fights with other women, excessive self-analysis, clinginess, and fits of jealous rage fall into the category of activities that would erode your hotness.

I'm sorry to break the news to you, but a man would probably be willing to lose an arm for Jessica Alba. Not for you. Stay above that Vicky Mendoza diagonal to snag a man and keep him!

If You Want a Nice Guy, Then Look for One

I understand that most women don't want nice guys. Being with a douche bag is intoxicating- the games, the uncertainty, the power imbalance, the low self-esteem-- all put you on a thrilling course towards self-destruction (which sounds really dramatic and awesome, right?). Nice guys are predictable and boring because they actually make you feel good about yourself. But in case you do want someone decent (or you are nearing your 30s), here is my advice:

1. Don't just "put yourself out there." The world is not a bed of roses and it is most certainly not your oyster. Please refer to "The Male Brain"  for a closer look at what I'm talking about.

2. As a corollary to point 1, don't be naive. People aren't always nice so be careful. In my early twenties, I was idealistic and a bit too trusting of others, believing that people always had the best of intentions provided they were friendly and did nice things. So not true. Never give anyone the benefit of the doubt until they've proven themselves trustworthy and add positive value to your life over a decent period of time. For instance, I believe it takes two years to truly be in a place to assess whether a friendship is genuine or not. The quality control you apply to your friendships should be extended to your romantic relationships as well.

3. If you don't want your hair cut, don't go to the barbershop. Avoid seedy clubs and places where sketchy people go if you do not want a one-night stand. Otherwise, have fun.

4. On the flip side, attend growth-oriented meet-ups and clubs, gatherings with friends you respect, and classes or seminars where you are learning and pursuing hobbies and interests to find like-minded people. By being more of yourself and simply living a growth oriented life, you'll come across nice people in your journey (and hopefully snag that nice guy!)

5. Be aware of the persona you are projecting. The media and our society have pushed an over-sexualized, exaggerated rendition of the quintessential female whom I would caution you against embracing for the sake of your psychological and physical well-being. Take a look at real life Barbie, Heidi Montag, or Britney Spears.

 (For shits and giggles, here is the "I'm a Slave for You" video that Britney Spears did. HAWT but sad!)

6. I hate to state the obvious, but only hang out with people if they treat you right. As I've mentioned before, life is short and riddled with plenty of opportunities to feel bad about yourself (refer to "A Man Who Makes You Feel Insecure is Trying to Be in Your League" for a deeper dive). This applies to friendships and relationships. Eliminate toxicity and be kind to yourself.

If you want a nice guy, then look for one. At least try.

Date a Geek, It's Awesome

When I was younger, I totally wanted to date someone who looked like this:

But now that I'm supposedly more mature I recognize how ridiculously immature and shortsighted that was. As an adolescent and maybe even into my early twenties I really wanted the quintessential hot guy who met conventional standards of awesomeness. Most of the guys who looked like this in high school are now pot-bellied and balding (perhaps from too much partying). And if they still look like this, they are probably in finance.

The truth is, a guy like this is usually deficient in one or more areas necessary for sustaining a realistic, long-term partnership where you feel peace of mind. A douche may be awesome in theory but do you really want to marry one? If he isn't working at Stop and Shop right now and he's made it to business school, he's probably roaming, or not very good in the sack (especially if women have been tossing themselves at him for a very long time and he no longer has to try). Or he's dumb as rocks and not very interesting (yawn). Needless to say, there's not very much benefit for you in the long run and you'll end up hauling most of the water in the relationship. So what if you can flash him on your arm to your girl friends and obtain temporary ego massage? You'll still be the one to go home to the guy (or to an empty home) at the end of the day.

By contrast, dating a geek is awesome. Geeks are hot. In fact, I think geeks are so hot that I will pay homage to the ones I salivate over here:



             
                      Jon Stewart. OMG.                                   

Adam Brody. OMG. SO HAWT.

Dave Morin. SWOON. He created Path. I wish I could create shit like this. 

 Intelligence, integrity, and enough strength of character to be interesting and geeky are pretty much at the top of my list. It's sexy to me when a guy is smarter than I am and has greater strength of character than I do. You want a man who will make money, be responsible, and care for you so that you can go on to be supported in your own life and career and raise well-adjusted children. My favorite persuasion are engineers because they fix my stuff and are practical, intelligent beings that steady my emotions and assuage my illogical fears. Because they spend hours, days, years, debugging code, seeking new solutions, and patiently learning new skills, they are very patient and treat you very well in a relationship. For instance, if I complain about lack of progress on a project, my boyfriend will code some of it up. If I complain that my head hurts, he will run out to the drugstore and get aspirin. If the wipers on my car are broken, he will calmly replace them. Since my boyfriend has photographic memory, he is even able to compensate for my spaciness by recalling phone numbers, receipt numbers, and addresses on the spot. Hotness fades with time, but character does not.

If you can snag a geek, hold on. Hold on while you can!

Be Dork Fabulous

I absolutely adore Zooey Deschanel. Her infectious girlishness, those saucer eyes, and that spaced out voice are all so very endearing. And I'm not alone. While many women hate her for feminist reasons (http://femthreads.com/2012/02/05/why-all-the-hate-on-zooey-deschanel/) men absolutely adore her.

This is because she is dork fabulous. I don't care if catty women complain that she is a thirty-something who acts like a child. Who cares if she started a blog called "Hello Giggles," tweets about kittens, or wears sparkly headbands. The woman knows how to get what she wants and has achieved more in one lifetime than most women will ever achieve. She's a successful actress, singer, song-writer, entrepreneur, and inspirational role model for victims of bullying. Her greatest scandal was when the press got a hold of her financial information following her divorce and she was upheld as an uncharacteristically frugal and generous Hollywood denizen. She's on top of the world, and the remarkable part is that she remains unabashedly herself (and has probably gotten this far by doing so). Just take a look at this video of her playing the ukulele with Joseph Gordon-Levitt on New Year's Eve. She is so adorkably cute!

As I've mentioned before, women are a lot harder on each other than men are on them. For mysterious reasons, women are given to painstaking worship of polish and perfection. My theory is that nature has cursed us with an internal brain drill that fires off irrationally and tells us unnecessarily negative things (especially when it gets closer to that time of the month). To some degree, it's this perfectionism, desire to meet high standards, and desire to please that makes us incredibly resourceful workers and mothers. Magazines like Vogue and Better Homes and Gardens sell well because they cater to our predilection for polish and perfection.

But I'll let you in on a secret- men don't really care. Much like their preference for utility over aesthetics, they prefer accessibility over perfection. In fact, they'd probably prefer someone who wasn't Martha Stewart if that meant getting nagged less. While women worship other women who seem polished, put-together, and not socially awkward, men adore a woman who is confident enough to embrace her vulnerable, imperfect, inner dork. This means a woman who is okay with being who she really is apart from social conventions, has her own interests, and expresses the idiosyncrasies and quirks that make her unique (so that he feels he has snagged someone special). At the end of the day, you probably want someone who loves you for who you really are anyway. Be weird, be off. Whatever. Be your dork fabulous self. 

Physical signs a guy is into you

As I've mentioned in the past, a guy will decide within 2 seconds of meeting you ("Ladder Theory and Why It Takes 2 Seconds for a Guy") whether he is into you or not. This interest may wane with time if your personality ruins your  mystique  but you've actually got a lot of leeway if you meet a man's physical criterion for attractiveness (refer to "Stop Reading Cosmo, the Bar is Low" for a deeper dive).

As part of my commitment to helping women obtain the best men they can snag this New Year 2013, I will divulge a list of tell tale signs a man is into you. If you know whether a man is into you or not, it becomes much easier to move things along:

1) He will actually light up in your presence.
 
I love this about men. They are so cute and straightforward! If a man is into you, a noticeable glow will suffuse his countenance the minute he sees you. He will barely be able to contain his enthusiasm. The "glow" manifests in a more animated demeanor, an irrepressible smile, and increased chattiness with the guy chum he has brought along. If a man lights up in your presence it is a very beautiful thing. Simply beam back and return the effusive greeting to make his joy complete.
 
2) His pupils dilate.
 
If a man is interested in you, he will force himself to be interested in what you are saying. You don't even have to be saying anything substantial for him to be super interested. Just hearing the sound of your voice and admiring the way you flip your hair may be enough for him to stay captivated. Watch this video where Hugh Grant attempts to pick up Rachel Weisz on New Year's Eve in "About a Boy" for a demonstration:  

3) He will make excuses to be near you.

Unless he is very shy, a man will come through hell and high-water to be near you. He will strategically sit next to you, engage you in conversation to cock-block the dude sitting on the other side, and think of all sorts of ways to arrange a future meeting. Even a very shy man will plot and plan for ways to be near you or see you again. Trust me.

4) He will make excuses to touch you.

A playful poke, pat on the shoulders, or hug. Any of these are signs that he is physically attracted. If a man is into you he will crack jokes and make you laugh, tease you, or be the first person there to hold you up when you stumble so that he can find the appropriate touch point.

If a man doesn't display any of these signs, then he is not that into you. Happy hunting and here's to a New Year!