How to Spot a Jerk

I love men (refer to "Damsel in Distress.. It Works" for a more thorough discussion of their utility). But let's face it. They can be jerks. And the worst part is, society gives you really shitty advice on how to cope. Here is just a sampling of some tired, overused aphorisms:

"You're too good for him! Just be your fabulous self, girl friend!"
"What a player ... (translation: guy: admiration; female: gloating/I told you so)."
"Don't text or call him. Focus on you and getting your life in order right now."

For the longest time, I tried to understand movies like Bridget Jones's Diary and this world of villainizing/othering the quintessential asshole. Somewhere out there in the universe, pedophiles and mass murderers exist. And so do dashing, British men like Hugh Grant- asshole men with killer accents who pick up prostitutes on the street in real life and cheat on their wives. It's us versus them (the players, the cheaters, the categorical self-esteem destroyers, etc etc.) and it's our responsibility to spot them, right?

Wrong.

The truth is, every man has the latent capacity to be a jerk (refer to my previous post "The Male Brain" for a deeper dive). Nice guys and good friends can easily morph into the figurative big, bad wolf when it comes to the brain below the belt. In fact, a man is selectively jerky. If you reach an adequate bar of respect, looks, or personality for this man, the urge can be easily whipped and controlled. But if any single one of these pieces, which commands a man's true affection and attachment to you, are missing, you really are shit out of luck. A man will either roam, take you for granted, or take advantage if he doesn't take you seriously. 

If this is the case, just let it be and don't take it personally. Like a job or a friend that doesn't match, he's not for you so don't force it. The last thing you should do is let your bruised ego transform into the desire to crawl back for more or morph into a psycho-bitch and fight incessantly for a futile purpose. That spark you feel is really just insecurity and uncertainty talking. Cut loose and find someone who adores you.

When in doubt, revisit this list of tell-tale signs that he is being a jerk:

1) He doesn't listen to you when you talk.
2) He moves in physically too fast, too soon.
3) .....Actually, I think this list is already pretty comprehensive...

Every man has the capacity to be a jerk. Choose one who isn't (to you). And loves you.

Damsel in Distress... it works

Unlike women, men are creatures of action, not words. They don't like discussing problems at length without discussing solutions. And if you ask them what they are thinking about, they will offer up some hypothetical bullshit to appease you when they are probably just thinking about where to eat next. While this desire to simplify the complex at all times may appear simple, it is actually quite ingenius and probably makes one more effective at life.  Here's a picture to illustrate my point:

(Below the squiggly line is what the male and female brain are thinking at all times. Above the squiggly line is how that thought process is translated in dialogue to the external world).

Much like a dog, a man is impatient with self-rumination and eager to please. He doesn't like to think about exceptions to the rule, what "could be," or what "hasn't happened." He isn't catty or overly verbose (unless he's gay) and will bark, fetch, and sit when necessary. When angry, he'll punch. When asked to do something, he'll execute. When intending to relax, he will actually protect his downtime with the same measure of territoriality as a mother bear protecting her den of cubs (you do not want to so much as touch his time playing video games or watching sports with a 10-foot pole). Bark. Fetch. Sit. Which brings me to a very valuable secret. You can actually utilize his caveman brain, which makes a figurative tick mark and lights up with unbounded joy every time he completes a task, to your advantage.

When a man is into you, he will do nice things for you. He will fetch because it makes him happy. All you need to do really, is encourage this symbiotic relationship. Men love a straightforward avenue to success. They love structure, a clear cut path, and getting things done. Doing things for you to make you happy activates a biologically wired, dopamine pathway in their brains. The more gratitude you express after asking for help, the more wonderful and useful they feel. And it's symbiotic because I'm sure you like having things done for you, too.

Just raise your voice an octave higher next time and say, "Thank you sooo much! It really means a lot to me." Winning you over is an achievement for a man so concede once in a while. If it will solve your problem and make both of you happy then it's really okay. Act like the damsel in distress... it works.

Turn to Your Friends

Most women don't get this, so I'm going to break it down. Lovers and partners are two very different job descriptions. If you want a lover, then go find that exotic man who whispers cheesy, romantic things to you. Or turn off your thinking brain and have some fun in the Marina. But if you want to find a real partner, your expectations should be different.

A partner is someone with whom you can realistically live and share everything (the good, the bad, and the ugly) with. This is someone who will patiently put up with your shit, listen to you whine for hours when your boss is being a bitch, and will help you do house chores. Doing the mundane day to day things- laundry, washing dishes, getting your car fixed, and getting free samples at Costco- comprises the majority of a long term relationship. The whole idea is that your significant other can make cooking, cleaning, paying bills, travelling and seeing new places, and eventually popping out children a fun and transcendent experience. If you can power through 70% of this experience without wanting to tear your significant other's head off, I'd say you are doing pretty good.

For some reason, romantic movies never get to this part. The part about the doofus running through the airport to intercept a flighty woman due to an emotional misunderstanding is usually covered in dramatic, excruciating detail (check out the "Technology Ruins Romance" video from Wongfu): 

But movies rarely cover the real stuff.  

Your relationship with your man is a unique type of relationship akin to the type of relationship you would have with a good room mate. While in theory, your shopping/gossiping gal pal seems like she would be a great person to share a room with, in practice, she might be an absolute nightmare who leaves her hair in the shower drain and dirty dishes in the sink. Likewise, a lover who seems great in theory may not necessarily be your ticket to domestic or long-term bliss. To state the obvious, your chances of staying with a man are significantly greater if you think you can live with him. 

This is why turning to your friends is so important. Studies show that most long term couples resemble each other in terms of height, weight, culture, socioeconomic status, and even random attributes such as lung capacity and interocular eye distance. Couples will usually come from the same geographical region (for instance, east coast or west coast within the US) or culture, and their chances of success are significantly higher if their families know each other. As gross as it seems, we may subconsciously seek those most like us since the offspring produced from mating fifth cousins is actually most genetically optimal from a biological standpoint (hence the frequency of this mating pattern in birds and other animals).

"Ewwing" aside, the best way to find someone you can put up with is probably through your network. Date your friends (yes, you should!) or date friends of friends to filter out the strange stuff and significantly increase your chances of meeting someone you can get along with. 

My Mommy's Wisdom

By Karen Song

When I was younger, I never believed mommy was right. But she actually was. I will dispense this advice to you now...

1. Don't wear too much make-up or over-do it with the high maintenance activities. I had a guy tell me on a boating trip yesterday, "Whenever I see manicured nails or that eyelash curler thing, I run." All you need to do is shower and wear clean clothes. I personally use Dove Men's body wash. 

2. Focus on being happy and well. Exercise, eat right, sleep, make friends, and wear sunscreen. The best ways to beauty are health, happiness, and a disarming smile. 

3. Invest in your education and your professional development. A man will respect you more when you have independence and self-efficacy. These aspects are more important to a man than your investment in plastic surgery. And the types of men who are interested in those investments and willing to indulge house froggery are probably the types of men that don't respect women anyway (just think about all those trophy wives in Orange County who still get cheated on). You never want to give so much power to a man that he becomes a dick, so please invest in financial independence and self-sufficiency. At least you'll always have yourself to fall back on. 

4. The women who get into healthy, long-term relationships and marriages are not always the most beautiful ones. In fact, the ones that stay in stable relationships are usually plain and quite average. My mommy says that beautiful women depend too much on their appearance so never have the chance to develop a personality or the qualities that men would require of a long-term partner. They also tend to be picky with unrealistic expectations. Being responsible, dependable, and resourceful are qualities that any logical man would probably want in a wife and mother. So learn to think about the needs of others, stay on top of your life, and don't be a bitch. 

5. It's very important to not be a bitch. My mommy used to say, "Karen, OK to BITCH yi dian (this means "little bit" in Chinese)." Her meaning was that it's actually advisable to be a little bit of a bitch to avoid being walked all over at work and in your relationship. But it's probably not okay to really be a bitch and drive your man crazy. Being bat-crazy will definitely make the guy wander. 

6. All men are kind of the same. I may even argue that there's even less variation between men than there is between women. Every man want a woman who smells nice, doesn't complain constantly, and doesn't give them too much trouble. They want good sex and a personality they can put up with. My mommy says that if you don't learn this lesson early, you will jump from man to man and continue to deal with the same shit and set of problems since all men are kind of the same. 

My mommy's advice is spot-on (albeit blunt). These are time-tested methods for snagging a man. 

The Male Brain

Please listen here if you don't like reading:





For all of you ladies out there who enjoy emotional porn and Jane Austen novels I just want to break romance down into its most basic components:

ROMANCE (r)= Male brain activation +  |your response to it|.

Understanding the inputs of this equation will improve your life and save you heartache.  As I've alluded to many times in this blog, romantic complication could be easily circumvented by keeping things simple and understanding that men are logical beings with very basic needs. If they want to eat, they eat something. If they want to make money, they find a job. If they want to be with a girl, they figure out where they want to put her and act accordingly.

A man will put a woman in one of two categories according to what his male brain dictates:
a) Woman he wants to make out with (or do more with...)
b) Woman he wants to be with

Because the male brain is really divided into two parts, the brain below the belt and the brain that thinks, he responds to each separately.  By contrast, females complicate, intermingle, and interrelate everything. Since the the female brain has greater connectivity between the corpus collosum, women tend to be verbose, emotionally oriented in their decisions, and take a holistic approach to observing the world (I highly recommend "The Female Brain," for more information on biological gender differences). It is difficult for us to compartmentalize, and attraction and attachment are closely interrelated. We can't possibly hug and kiss (or do more) with a man without developing affection. And the women who claim they can are putting on a brave show.

Not so with a man. Basic need is satisfied by basic action. If a man is horny, he will watch porn or hit the bar for some low hanging fruit. Unfortunately, the woman he finds to satisfy category A is generally someone who is blithely unaware that she is clearing a very low bar. She is flattered that someone finds her "attractive" and is validating her effervescence, awesome personality and captivating face when in reality, the man is just relieved to be talking with someone who isn't hideous (and even hideousness would be a forgiveable offense if he were sufficiently inebriated). I can't tell you how many times I've had to field phone calls from women who have been discarded and used in this fashion and will tirelessly romp around in over-analysis and emotional porn.

If a man is really into a woman, however, his approach will be different. He will plot and plan. The general impression of the woman, the mystique of her hotness or her personality, will be methodically dissected. He will discuss her and his plan to snag her with all of his friends, temper the douche impulse from a sprint to a marathon, and make dinner reservations. Since this is a long term partnership he is considering, he will assess her interests and needs and plan his hunt accordingly. If you are in contingent B, congrats. You are on your way to obtaining a future boyfriend or a dick in a glass case (aka male friend).

Your response to being put in either category A or category B should always be one of caution. Cautiousness will deter a douche looking for instant gratification as well as heighten the affections of a man who is thrilled with the chase.  So resist your thirst for emotional porn and complex storytelling if you truly want to win.

In sum,  remember the male brain equation. The absolute value of your response (positive or negative) contributes to the amount of "romance" you feel and detracts from self-control and self- agency in your life.  So don't obsess over the man who has used you for a one night stand (the negative direction) and don't be easily impressed by a man who has a plan (the positive direction).  Let male brain activation carry the brunt of the work in your romance for it to work out in your best interest.  Unless you really don't care what your contribution is and just want high faluting emotional porn. By all means, toss away for a higher absolute "romantic" score.

A man who makes you feel insecure is trying to be in your league but will never be

By Karen Song

If I were a man who didn't naturally "have much game" and I were interested in acquiring a hot woman, these are the options I would consider:

1) Become super rich.
2) Ingratiate myself and manipulate her into thinking she needs me so that I become indispensable. This could be achieved by fixing her electronics, getting her hired at a job, and encouraging general co-dependency.
3) Be a jerk and insult her so that she thinks I'm hot stuff

As you can see, the easiest way for a man to snag a woman out of his league is to make her feel insecure and jerk her around with her own feelings (whether it be by making her feel like she needs him or knocking her down enough to feel like she needs him). Every woman seems to have latent insecurity from centuries of oppression, period induced moodiness, and photo-shopped garbage:

So men will often try to manipulate these feelings if they are below your league. From a logical standpoint, making someone feel insecure is a very easy task. If you were to walk up to any stranger on the street and tell him that he's fat, I'm sure he'd go home, check himself out in the mirror, and resolve to work out. A man on a mission to make you feel insecure will probably succeed if he intends to and you let him.

It is important to recognize when this happens to avoid drama and other unnecessary problems and snag a man who is actually in your league. A small man who normally doesn't have power and is on a power trip is pretty much the worst case scenario. It's like wasting your precious time and emotional energy unpacking your interactions with the office bitch, who doesn't have anything else in life going for her but being a bitch. Life is short and ridden with plenty of opportunities to feel bad about yourself. So don't waste your time. You deserve to live life at your best with the best man you can snag. Not with someone beneath you whose best chance at success with you is achieved by making you feel small.

If you don't believe me, just visit David De'Angelo and his pick up artist tricks to confirm that this is an actual technique: http://www.doubleyourdating.com/  I once had a loser ping me repeatedly over the course of a year to give me "life advice" and accuse me of being a psychopathic basket case with Aspergers syndrome after I met him twice (I'm not even kidding on this one). Once it became clear that seemingly harmless social media desperation was turning into something malicious, I de-friended him immediately. Recognize this when it happens.

The tendency for men to project their own insecurity onto their unwitting victims (their female "projects") is unfortunately a common occurrence. There is even a term for the idealized, crazy female who under normal circumstances would be out of a man's league: The Manic Pixie Dream Girl. A beautiful woman like Audrey Hepburn in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" or Natalie Portman in "Garden State" suddenly becomes accessible to a man below her league because of her manic, crazy tendencies.

A man who makes you feel insecure is trying be in your league but will never be. So be your fabulous self and establish some boundaries. Snag someone with self-confidence who matches your level of awesomeness. End of story.

The Alpha Male Versus the Alpha Female

By Karen Song


If you want to think like a man, don't read Steve Harvey's book - just pick up an issue of Men's Health the next time you are reaching for People in the airport. To win the game, you must be well-versed in the mind of your opponent and Men's Health is the single most enlightening piece of literature you'll ever read about snagging a man (well, after my blog). Here is a sample from my plane ride to San Diego this past weekend:

As you can see, the alpha male is someone who commands power and presence. He is self-confident and projects strength. The level of respect a man has for someone is closely tied to the recipient's strength of character. Strength does not necessarily mean brute physical strength, but could mean spiritual fortitude, mastery of a particular domain or skill set, or the guts to pursue dreams and passions. Since men are evolutionarily drawn to exploration, conquering new lands, and flexing their muscles (either through wrestling or vicariously fighting opponents in video games), they respect people who demonstrate strength. Men rarely initiate or sustain friendships with men they don't respect. And I suspect the way they evaluate other men could be applied to their evaluation of women.

Unfortunately, women often project weakness in order to feel desired and accepted. The ditzy voice and damsel in distress act, the constant projection of insecurity and venting about self-created problems, seems to enthrall and impress across multiple cultures and generations (hence our fascination with shows like "The Hills"). If we aren't careful, it is easy for women to get lost in the complexity of our biology and the complexity of how we relate to human beings around us. To feel connectedness with our girl friends, we self-deprecate and emote self created problems. To gain respect from our girl friends, we hide our problems and project "having it all." To feel connectedness with co-workers, we avoid becoming too strident with our opinions and projecting brazen self confidence. To gain respect at work and get ahead, we project the opposite and embrace the character of "bitch." I attribute this complexity to schizophrenic societal expectations and irrational fear and jealousy of the truly put together woman. In fact, it isn't even clear to me who the alpha female actually is.  While the strongest alpha male in a group tends to be admired by bros and females alike, the alpha female in a group (either the hottest one, who usually becomes the subject of intense jealousy and gossip, or the domineering, unattractive one, who incurs resentment over time) is simultaneously admired and hated.

The alpha female, if there is such a thing, is typically the subject of gossip, attention, and general nitpicking. We must throw darts at Britney Spears until she truly has mental problems and we must label Michelle Obama an angry looking woman because they dared to even approach "perfect." While the road to alpha maleness is pretty straightforward, the alpha female constantly needs to esconce her strength in weakness to avoid being the subject of negative attention. It seems we must embody weakness in order to be societally accepted while projecting strength in order to be societally respected.

For some reason, this complexity has been internalized and woven into the general discourse about how women should act in relationships and what is perceived to be attractive. Women feel they must project weakness in order to feel desired. But to ultimately get respect from a man, you must project strength and self confidence. Respect is earned with men: hard to win and easy to lose. Unlike women, who tend to value emotional connectedness over respect in their friendships, males ultimately value respect, and consequently must respect a woman in order to be in a long term relationship. They will love and respect a woman with passion and purpose, not a woman who wallows in self-deprecation or weakness. In fact, studies show that complaining too much will ultimately detract from your attractiveness and your relationship: http://www.1lovespirit.com/kara_oh_18.html

Men are logical creatures. The more self-confidence you have, the less they have to deal with.
Your partner's respect and assessment of your long-term relationship potential is ultimately tied to his assessment of your strength. So keep it simple and embrace your inner alpha female as it should be ideally expressed.