If He Doesn't Pay for Shit, He's Not That Into You

I don't understand how a woman can be the least bit forgiving on this one. If it feels weird when he doesn't pay on your first date, it is because it is weird. Not because he could potentially be poor (which would be very unsexy anyway). Not because you are being unfair (because you should be, forget feminism). But because it is what it is. He's either a chum or a jerk who just wants to get you in the sack.

I don't care if he's a starving grad student or he's super socially awkward and supposedly doesn't know any better. As I've alluded to many times in this blog, you are evolutionarily entitled to the best possible man you can snag. This means you should snag a man who is assertive, understands basic social norms, and will even make sacrifices to ensure he impresses you. He should pick you up. He should choose the venue. He should show up on time. And he should pay for dinner. If a man doesn't know how to peacock or take charge he doesn't know how to fulfill his evolutionary purpose. Or maybe he's just a jerk and wants to invest as little as possible in someone he perceives to be low hanging fruit. Either way, ditch the cheap dude and move on to greener pastures quickly. 

(for your viewing pleasure, here is a metaphorical reminder of what male peacocking looks like. Hot stuff, right?):

I can't tell you how many times women have called me to double check on this very awkward subject. 

"I don't mind paying, I'm an independent woman, right?" 

"Is it weird that he asked me to pay?'

"It was our first date..."

There's no grey area here. The guy should have paid. Moving forward, he should at least offer to pay on subsequent dates if he's truly invested in you. And he should buy you gifts once in a while to secure your greatest affections over the course of a long term partnership. A man's job (from an evolutionarily adaptive perspective) is to feed and provide for his family.  In fact, male species throughout the animal kingdom invest in colorful plumage and all sorts of unnecessary rituals and appendages to snag their female counterparts. If he can't even be bothered to signal and demonstrate that he is capable of feeding or providing for you (especially when you are in the early stages of a relationship) it's time to move on. Cheap is not sexy. So why make exceptions? 

Even if he's someone who happens to be very poor, he will still do everything in his power to impress you if he is truly that into you. I wince at telling this story but I'm going to do it anyway to make a point. I once had an ex-boyfriend tell me he was so in love with the girl he dated before me that he would actually sit in eye-ball tracking studies for hours at a time just to earn enough money to buy her jewelry while he was a starving student. He had a busy schedule I'm sure, and I'm pretty sure this degree of sacrificial stupidity was not extended to me (he's married to a nice lady right now). Still, it's a sweet story, and every man should treat his beloved this way. 

No matter the cost, a man (prospective boyfriend) should always be trying to impress you. Even if you could theoretically pay your own way as a thriving, independent, successful, powerful woman, don't you want a boyfriend who can still take care of it? If a man doesn't pay for shit, he's not that into you. Cheap is not sexy, so find a man who can peacock and deserves your awesomeness. 

The Baby Voice

I realize this post is going to be incendiary and offend a lot of people but I'm just telling it like it is. Men. Are. Stupid.

They get confused and easily torn between their desire to protect you like a pet and parade you around like a trophy. One moment,  they are cherishing the fact that you are an independent, razor-sharp woman they can brag about to all of their friends; at the same time, they fawn over you the moment you exude the fragility of a small child. In the words of my mother, "Boy is dumb. Want you to be fierce but also house pet."

To successfully whip a man, you must embody the yin and the yang- the warrior princess and the baby ditz (and transition between alternate personas with the fluidity of a fine actress). The quickest way to a man's heart is to make him feel needed, but at the same time, make him feel like you don't really need him. Just pretend you're a cat. It'll drive him crazy.

One way to master the "I'm strong, yet vulnerable" act is to use the baby voice. You can order him around like a boss and be as demanding as you want, so long as the baby voice follows. In the most intimidating voice possible, boss him around because he likes it (he secretly really likes it). Then tilt your head, flip your hair, and say "Thank you sooo much, baby!" with the voice of a small child. This has the effect of making a man feel like he has accomplished something truly great.

Forget the rules of feminism and your hope for a man who wants you to be a perpetually strong, independent, strident woman. The baby voice works because it plays into a man's evolutionary biology to protect and feel important. If a man wants to feel like a man, let him. You may even find that ordering him around with the baby voice (and skipping the formidable, scary one altogether) will bristle him less and actually yield more effective results. Throw in some ditzy laughter to mitigate his cognitive dissonance. He will justify his act of kindness (or propensity to be whipped) by making himself believe you are wonderful, important, and worth it. Because he's a man, he may not even realize he is being ordered around.

So while you are taking over the world and being the badass bitch on a mission in the office, remember who you need to be from time to time at home. Tone down the complaining and act like a small child who needs to be protected in order to be the boss of your relationship. Use the baby voice. It works.

How to Spot a Jerk

I love men (refer to "Damsel in Distress.. It Works" for a more thorough discussion of their utility). But let's face it. They can be jerks. And the worst part is, society gives you really shitty advice on how to cope. Here is just a sampling of some tired, overused aphorisms:

"You're too good for him! Just be your fabulous self, girl friend!"
"What a player ... (translation: guy: admiration; female: gloating/I told you so)."
"Don't text or call him. Focus on you and getting your life in order right now."

For the longest time, I tried to understand movies like Bridget Jones's Diary and this world of villainizing/othering the quintessential asshole. Somewhere out there in the universe, pedophiles and mass murderers exist. And so do dashing, British men like Hugh Grant- asshole men with killer accents who pick up prostitutes on the street in real life and cheat on their wives. It's us versus them (the players, the cheaters, the categorical self-esteem destroyers, etc etc.) and it's our responsibility to spot them, right?

Wrong.

The truth is, every man has the latent capacity to be a jerk (refer to my previous post "The Male Brain" for a deeper dive). Nice guys and good friends can easily morph into the figurative big, bad wolf when it comes to the brain below the belt. In fact, a man is selectively jerky. If you reach an adequate bar of respect, looks, or personality for this man, the urge can be easily whipped and controlled. But if any single one of these pieces, which commands a man's true affection and attachment to you, are missing, you really are shit out of luck. A man will either roam, take you for granted, or take advantage if he doesn't take you seriously. 

If this is the case, just let it be and don't take it personally. Like a job or a friend that doesn't match, he's not for you so don't force it. The last thing you should do is let your bruised ego transform into the desire to crawl back for more or morph into a psycho-bitch and fight incessantly for a futile purpose. That spark you feel is really just insecurity and uncertainty talking. Cut loose and find someone who adores you.

When in doubt, revisit this list of tell-tale signs that he is being a jerk:

1) He doesn't listen to you when you talk.
2) He moves in physically too fast, too soon.
3) .....Actually, I think this list is already pretty comprehensive...

Every man has the capacity to be a jerk. Choose one who isn't (to you). And loves you.

Damsel in Distress... it works

Unlike women, men are creatures of action, not words. They don't like discussing problems at length without discussing solutions. And if you ask them what they are thinking about, they will offer up some hypothetical bullshit to appease you when they are probably just thinking about where to eat next. While this desire to simplify the complex at all times may appear simple, it is actually quite ingenius and probably makes one more effective at life.  Here's a picture to illustrate my point:

(Below the squiggly line is what the male and female brain are thinking at all times. Above the squiggly line is how that thought process is translated in dialogue to the external world).

Much like a dog, a man is impatient with self-rumination and eager to please. He doesn't like to think about exceptions to the rule, what "could be," or what "hasn't happened." He isn't catty or overly verbose (unless he's gay) and will bark, fetch, and sit when necessary. When angry, he'll punch. When asked to do something, he'll execute. When intending to relax, he will actually protect his downtime with the same measure of territoriality as a mother bear protecting her den of cubs (you do not want to so much as touch his time playing video games or watching sports with a 10-foot pole). Bark. Fetch. Sit. Which brings me to a very valuable secret. You can actually utilize his caveman brain, which makes a figurative tick mark and lights up with unbounded joy every time he completes a task, to your advantage.

When a man is into you, he will do nice things for you. He will fetch because it makes him happy. All you need to do really, is encourage this symbiotic relationship. Men love a straightforward avenue to success. They love structure, a clear cut path, and getting things done. Doing things for you to make you happy activates a biologically wired, dopamine pathway in their brains. The more gratitude you express after asking for help, the more wonderful and useful they feel. And it's symbiotic because I'm sure you like having things done for you, too.

Just raise your voice an octave higher next time and say, "Thank you sooo much! It really means a lot to me." Winning you over is an achievement for a man so concede once in a while. If it will solve your problem and make both of you happy then it's really okay. Act like the damsel in distress... it works.